Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be totally pissed off with my shitty friends?

27 replies

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 18:25

Four out of four cancellations in a fortnight - all last minute!

I am so mad. I am in the middle of getting ready for dinner with a friend and I have just received a text saying she has a uni deadline and can't make it now.

At the weekend my friend had organised a lunch, but on Sat morning text to say her husband had to go on last minute business trip so couldn't make it.

During the week, a friend who had asked me to pop round for a glass of wine text to say could we cancel she was too knackered due to sleepless night with dc.

These reasons are all valid yes. But I have ended us being totally messed around. I work full time, DP is in hospital, my two DNs live with me during the week, and I car-share so have to organise car use -my life is busy too but I do my utmost to stick to the arrangements I have made.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 26/06/2012 18:41

Most of these could not be avoided, except the uni assignment suddenly due in. That she must have known about for a while.

It is unfortunate that it has all happened at once!

Have a glass of wine with me instead . I'm sure others will join us!

jubilucket · 26/06/2012 18:44

I'm up for a !
Sorry you've had a string of cancellations Stookie.

CailinDana · 26/06/2012 18:46

Don't stand for it. My friends used to do this to me in the past and I just got shit sick of it so I told them, calmly, that I wasn't going to put up with it any more. And it worked. They don't cancel on me any more. I only cancel in an emergency and they know that. It's about mutual respect for each others' time.

In the case of the friend with the uni assignment I would have texted back "X you know what a hassle it is for me to arrange going out, why didn't you let me know this sooner?" and seen what the answer was.

Original poster

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 18:50

Ok I will have a with you Mamma and Jub :)

I think my friend who was shattered was unreasonable too. She initiated the invite - I had been to work all day, went food shopping, made the DNs dinner and organised for DM to babysit nieces for an hour. Am sure it wouldn't have killed her for an hour. She is SAHM and it was going to be more effort on my part anyway.

Nevermind :-(

OP posts:

CailinDana · 26/06/2012 18:52

For some reason they think they can cancel and you won't mind. Have you given them that impression?

Original poster

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 18:52

I know Cailin, I will have to be more assertive. I responded each time with 'Ok, I understand' while totally fuming :-(

OP posts:

CailinDana · 26/06/2012 18:54

You are being dishonest by saying it's ok. Tell the truth, tell them it's not ok, otherwise they'll continue to walk all over you.

maristella · 26/06/2012 18:54

I have a friend who cancels all the time! The annoying thing is that she initiates most of our plans too! We usually make plans involving our DCs, who like to play together, which means that my DS is often let down too

The last time she let me down I messaged her back (she has too little signal at home for an actual conversation) to say that DS was very disappointed. She replied by saying her DC were tired, so there was no point in coming! Thanks guys

Original poster

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 18:54

I give the impression by taking it in good grace I guess.

I suppose I don't make a fuss because I don't have DCs - even though I am guardian to two teenagers and have an equally busy life.

OP posts:

soozeedol · 26/06/2012 18:55

it feels worse when it goes in a string of disappointments too...

I'm sure none of them realise the impact and wouldn't mean to upset you....

it's a horrible feeling for you though.... 'and this too shall pass'....deep breaths, bar of fav chocolate and maybe start reading that book to distract from shitty feelings to better ones

LineRunner · 26/06/2012 18:57

I would make the message 'That's a shame' rather than 'That's ok'.

Or even, 'That's disappointing.' Polite but a bit more honest?

DressDownFriday · 26/06/2012 18:59

All those excuses are crap.

I can't believe anyone would treat a friend like that. You should let them know how you truly feel otherwise this will become a regular occurrence.

Original poster

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 19:00

Thanks soozee. I am feeling more put out than upset. I don't treat friends like this unless it really can't be helped. But as my DM says to me, you will always be disappointed if you impose the expectations you have of yourself on others.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 26/06/2012 19:04

I don't think your expectations are too high stookie, not by a long chalk. Cancelling on someone at the last minute for a uni assignment is incredibly rude and in that case I would not have let it drop, not at all. The other excuses are also a bit rubbish but more difficult to challenge. It sounds like they have the impression that you're a handy filler for when they have a boring moment but if they have a better offer or just can't be arsed then they can just drop you. Not the attitude of a true friend.

Greypuddle · 26/06/2012 19:06

If people text me at the last minute to cancel, and I'm feeling pissed off, I always feel a little bit better if I just don't reply at all. I know that's probably horribly passive-aggressive, but you don't actually have to reply to a text that isn't a question, do you?

MarysBeard · 26/06/2012 19:07

I know one mum in DD1's class who has cancelled on me/a group of us meeting up several times using various crap excuses, in fact I half expect her not to come now, even if she does she just stays for one drink & goes home. My theory is she doesn't like me/us very much, or has lost confidence in herself, or has depression, or is just basically shy & not very sociable, or it's a mixture of several of those things.

Iggly · 26/06/2012 19:10

That's pretty poor. Flakey friends are frustrating to understate it.

It's on a par with people who are always late.

soozeedol · 26/06/2012 19:11

your DM sounds like a very wise lady...lucky you

Wish she could have said that to me a few times....

No I rarely have ever done this unless for very good reasons, usually sitter has let me down or DS has been ill and too miserable to be left/inflicted on

My friend did this to me at new year when I had organised a girlie night for us...had cooked for 6 ppl, arranged beds and sent DS to sitter for the night....she just didn't bother to arrive...no message, nothing...it nearly spoilt my night that she could do it to me.

I have avoided making plans since but we still keep in touch.

Original poster

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 19:15

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think for the cancellations that are more tricky to handle, the disappointing response is a good one.

Grey - I sometimes do that when I am mad - but always reply a little later because I feel guilty

Cailin, I think they cancel mainly because they can't be arsed but sometimes due to better offers. Lovely!

Well they can sod off because there are people in my life who don't cancel on me :)

OP posts:

JoannaFight · 26/06/2012 19:20

Highly flakesome to cancel whilst you were getting ready to meet someone for dinner. I would be most unimpressed.

I don't think my response wouldv'e been too tactful to that.

nancy75 · 26/06/2012 19:21

I blame mobile phones, if they had to speak to you to cancel they probably would feel too bad to do it. It's the same with people being late, if they know they can text that they are running late they don't even try to be on time.

LucieMay · 26/06/2012 19:23

I don't mind too much when friends do that as I can be a bit flaky sometimes. Birds of a feather and all!

Babylon1 · 26/06/2012 19:26

Have you checked your deodorant OP??

Only joking, that's crap If it makes you feel any better I've been let down last minute tonight too, should have been meeting a friend for dinner about now and she text me at 4pm to say her DS was sent home from school, undiagnosed virus but lots of ickyness, and she didn't want to risk passing anything on to my DCs - so I can't moan really

soozeedol · 26/06/2012 19:28

nancy75 ...I totally agree with you...

Original poster

stookiesackhouse · 26/06/2012 19:33

Deodorant? What's that? Ha ha.

I think I am too nice. Stookie is going to toughen up!

DP is fuming I have been cancelled on again.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2