Tx tell my friends XP about her comments re parental alienation last night?

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

Went to my friends last night for a few drinks for her birthday. She doesnt drink ever alot so she was quite pissed merry.

We were chatting about my dick of an XP, who (if you dont know the history) now has no contact with the DSs after a long contact fight which resulted in no contact. Her and her XP are also in court over contact.

Basically long story short, she confessed that she was deliberately alientating the DCs against their dad, and said she was hoping for an outcome similar to mine, where her XP walked away after being unhappy with the court verdict.

I am fucking furious. Yes my XP walked away, but the emotional crap that has left both my DC (one is not his but viewed him as a dad) with is substantial and she is choosing to do it

I am debating telling her XP, so that he knows what he is up against, but then he has been emotionally abusive to her and so maybe this is just her lashing out and she will calm down and stop being such a cow.

So should I tell him? Or does my friendship with her (15 years) come first?

I think you can be a crap spouse and a good parent. Falling out of love with your adult partner doesn't make you a bad parent, and emotional abuse is such a huge thing that it could refer to lots of things that have nothing to do with the dc.

My ex and I had a difficult break up - I wanted it because I wanted a relationship where I felt valued, he didn't want the break up because he was quite content to plod along with no real relationship. Who was the one bing emotionally abused? Me because he never gave a shit about my feelings and would barely talk to me or him because I went out of my way to annoy him in the hope that he would bugger off? There are two sides to every story and I don't think it's fair to say that the one who had the affair is always the one who behaved worse. FWIW, my ex and I get on brilliantly now we aren't together and we both do our best to be excellent prents to our children and coparents to each other.

Affairs are something that should be kept between adults, children don't even need to know about them but sadly they usually find out from the parent that was cheated on because they don't want to keep their hurt to themselves.

If he was a good parent would he have stopped the supervised contact for 3 months, because it isn't on his terms?

Izzy

I dont know what I hope to achieve. I think I am just cross that she expected me to give her a pat on the back and applaud her for what she was doing. I think I was cross because depsite being there for me through all my crap with the XP and court, she has failed to grasp that I wanted the DCs to see XP and instead expected me to help her acheive her aim. She didnt even say it was because he was a crap dad - it was because she didnt want him to "win them"

And no i didnt think of being called into court. I suppose I want them both to be the bigger people and think of the kids, but given me and XP couldnt do it, and we were years away from out breakup when we went to court and so not so raw, its unreasonable to expect them to.

All i can do is support her, and try and make her see that my situation isnt a victory. Its a failure, a failure both me and my XP are responsible for.

Im going round in a bit so shall have a word unless shes still dying from her hangover!

Yes what a great idea send him a text and let this "controlling cunt" have something in writing to use in court, he'll feel thoroughly vindicated and probably step up his anger and abuse.

Speak to her, I probably would but otherwise keep out of it.

I can't believe with your own history you would even consider doing this.

Kaluki I did tell her. We did in fact have an arguement about it and told her that I couldnt be a part of it. I have however texted her and apologised for getting pissed off with her and am going round in a bit and shall be trying to talk even more rationally with her.

lamb thats the rub though, she knows what shit the DCs are going through at the moment. She knows how terrible ive found it all. She knows all of this and it doesnt matter to her, Shes quite happy to admit that for the last 6 months shes been badmouthing their dad to them, and for the last 3 months has stepped it up as shes desperate to sort it before CAFCASS to come and report

ZZZ Shes already doing it - she didnt say this is what im going to do, she said this is what i have been doing and now I need to ramp it up a gear any ideas how?

Manic I dont know. But then I thought this with my own XP, surely any contact it better than none, but again I dont know the full story.

emma I hadnt thought as far as how I could contact him. I think i was more annoyed that she thought I would condone it, and given how she has supported me as ive ranted and raved about how the DS should see his father and his dad wont do that, the fact that she thought i would happily accept her deliberately cutting her XP out of their lives pissed me off.

I am going to try and speak to her, and hope that she listens. If she doesnt I wont be telling her XP. I will stay out of it, and just be there to support her whatever the outcome is.

Still think its wrong what shes doing though.

Maybe he hasn't seen them because she is only letting him have a few hours with supervised contact! OP said this woman hasn't said anything that makes him sound like a bad Dad, and that the dc adore their Father! Yet this woman is only letting him see his own children when he is supervised by people that she thinks are suitable?

Sorry, but going on those facts, this woman is out of order and she needs to be taken to court. I hope he wipes the floor with her.

She was drunk, maybe she was exaggerating, hopefully.

Tbh there have been times when I wished with my whole heart that ex would disappear out of the picture but I would never push for it. My ex is an unreliable knob and the kids expectations are pretty low but that has happened naturally. Kids are not daft. She doesn't really need to do anything.

Outraged, OP has said contact was arranged through CAFCASS (therefore officially) and the x partner has not kept up this contact. Nothing to do with what his ex wife has allowed or not. He is not following the court order and has had no contact with his kids for 3 months because it didn't suit him.

A decent parent would move hell and earth to keep seeing their kids.

Its non of your business bottom line stay out of it

Talk to her - be truthful about your own experiences. Tell her at the end of the day it's up to her but does she really want to actively damage her children which is what she is doing based on your own experiences and research. An involved dad is best even if he is not the best in the world.

Children aren't stupid and may well end up resenting what she is saying/doing. It all may end up backfiring when the courts allow access anyway and they may end up wanting to move in with him because of her behaviour not the other way round.

It is your business to speak on behalf of the children involved but you can only point out the facts and then leave it up to her. You can do this in a non confrontational way.

Of course the children will tell her what she wants to hear. They'll tell their father what he wants to hear too. It doesn't mean that they know what is best for themselves though and can only cause them confusion and emotional angst.

Outraged, I 'll have to disagree with you re affairs. The children might not know that one of their parents is cheating on the other, but they will pick up on unhappiness within the home. If the parents split, is the non cheating parent supposed to lie about the reason? If you are behaving in a way that you wouldn't want your children to know about, then perhaps you shouldn't be doing it!

The fact remains that when someone cheats on their partner they are being selfish - they stop thinking primarily about the stability of their children's home or their happiness and primarily think about what they want to do, even if that's contrary to what is best for their dc.

I don't think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage - I'm sure that dc are better with two separate and happy parents than together, but miserable ones. But split and then start new relationships. I think that being selfish means you can't be a good parent because a selfish person isn't putting what is good for their kids first, if it clashes with what they want to do.

You don't know what the emotional abuse amounted to.
He could have told her she was a fat ugly bitch every second of the day, in front of the kids. That can be incredibly damaging. Don't judge too much as you don't know how it was for her. I don't think you should get involved.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos
You sound like a horrible person why would you like someone's exp to "wipe the floor" with a woman who you don't know and has been emotionally abused. I think you need to control yourself a nit

I mean't a bit, but then again :)

If you want to shit stir and cause a load of trouble for your friend of 15 years then yeah go for it! If that was me, I would butt out and mind my own buisness, you dont know all the ins and outs of their relationship and frankly its nothing to do with you.