to have been really annoyed with SIL?

[worryingovernothing]

I'll start by saying that I really like my SIL and we get on well. And that I've namechanged but that I am a regular!

We had a party for DS at MIL's house. It was a long day and a little stressful (overtired children, it not being my house so me not feeling completely comfortable).

When I came down from putting my DS's in bed (they are 2.5 and 6mo) some friends of SIL's had arrived with their DS. When I went to say hi the dad said that the DS had chicken pox, but they'd checked with SIL and that she's said it was fine for him to come as "they've pretty much all had it anyway". I was not happy and said well not really her decision to make, and was he still contagious? The dad thought not.

Now, like I said, it'd been a long and stressful day, so I had a little rant to DH in a different room about how irrepsonsible SIL had been, and got it off my chest. DH was convinced that the child wasn't contagious so it wasn't an issue, though I questioned why they would need to ask permission if this was the case. Anyway, I left it and went back out to the party.

The CP was mentioned to the mum (not by me) so I asked her if he wasn't still contagious? She said that she definitely couldn't guarantee it and he might well be, but that they though it was ok because SIL said they could come. SIL was there so I said to her "that wasn't really your decision to make, my DS's haven't had CP"

Now, if she'd said, sorry I didn't think / I thought your DS's had had it / I knew they'd be in bed before they arrived, then maybe I would have thought ok, bit irresponsible, but ok.

Instead I got told that they will get it at some point, it won't do them any harm, it's better to get it when they are younger, they could catch it at nursery / anywhere they go, so what's wrong with them getting it now? At least I'm at home to look after them (I'm on mat leave). The basic gist was that I was being riduculous and precious for not wanting them to go near this little boy

I said that non of that was relevant, that it was my choice not to knowingly expose them to it, of course they'll catch it somewhere but I can't mitigate that, can I?! SIL just said the same stuff again, and didn't feel she was in the wrong at all.

At that point I just left the room and got upset away from them. I just wanted to go home but I couldn't!

Now, my DS's were in bed so they didn't go near the child. But this was more luck than judgement. They certainly weren't told to wait until later to come round to avoid my DS's. If they hadn't settled, or had still been up, what could I have done?

So, MN jury, AIBU to think that the parents of the only children at the party who haven't had CP are the only people who can say yay or nay to a child with CP coming along?

And although of course I know they'll get it at some point, they mix with other kids every day, AIBU to not want to actively expose them?

There are many reasons why now would not be a good time for them to get CP,(DS up every hour at night with his teeth, having not yet moved to a place with a garden to use when we can't go out, to name but a few) but if it happens of course we'll manage it.

Or AIBU because of all the reasons SIL gave, or because they were in bed anyway so it was all academic????

(The mum of the boy with CP said (quietly) to me that she agreed with me and she would have been cross too, btw.

Yanbu

My two SILs purposely mixed their kids together with cp. one is now severely mentally and physically disabled as the virus attacked her cerebellum.

She had just had mmr which they feel weakened her immunity at that time.

The guilt for the SILs is immense, it's been 20 yrs (can't believe that!!) and it's still a very upsetting subject.

DN who originally had it is at Uni and engaged, DN who caught it goes to special college and can't walk upstairs alone.

Thanks and yes, yes she is!

Orchidee I don't think it is a control issue, I think she just genuinely thinks that a child getting CP is absolutely nothing to worry about, no worse than getting a cold, and that I am just being completely precious about it. All of DH's family are the same. A couple of years ago MIL looked after my DS when he had impetigo. She invited DN round to play with him. When I expressed surprise because impetigo is really contagious she just said "well it won't do him any harm, he just won't look very nice"!!! Now, I know impetigo is not the same as CP at all, but it's that laisez faire attitude that permeates the whole family unfortunately.

Wow QOD that is absolutely terrible. See if I gave something like that as an example I'd be called hysterical, but it really happens. Your poor poor SILs and DN's.

And BTW, (and this is completely my paranoia setting in, so I apologise in advance!) - there isn't any way my DC's could have caught it then, was there? That is a stupid thing to ask, isn't it?! Of course there isn't.

Qod heartbreaking.

OP yanbu

I did not have cp until twenty - I was very very ill indeed.
But - would still not advocate cp parties and trying to catch it while young.
Your SIL was out of line esp with a baby in the house.

My child has had the vaccine incidentally - because has not had it as a youngster and I didn't want her to go through it as an adult.
The vaccine is free in Germany - as are single jabs - you just need to ask.

But you'd be amazed how selfish some people can be. Someone I know once asked me to look after their child who was 'under the weather': she actually had scarletina. I work in childcare so could have put all the creche at risk.
Was given a child to teach in a small group I used to do and had just had cp 'no longer contagious' -this may well have been the case but I was pregnant at the time and had told noone yet.
Think, goddammit!

If your SIL invited a child with CP to a house where a 6 month old baby was staying, she's a bloody idiot.

Thank you QOD for telling your story, I'm often amazed at the attitude towards cp on mumsnet as "just a childhood illness".

I'm possibly the most relaxed parent I know but would never tolerate exposing a 6 month old to a disease which has killed a family member and left a friend dangerously ill in hospital even if they were extreme examples. I wouldn't purposely expose my babies to a cold.

YANBU
Reminds me of my DH who got CP at the same time as our 3 kids. The kids were fine but DH was really really sick and really really spotty. We used a lot of calamine that week.

Yanbu- Who wants a baby to get chicken pox :(

Yanbu,I would be furious whilst my dh would probably be of the opinion that babies & children will get it,so get it out of the way.

Y a n b u.

Well your sil was ill informed and it is absolutely your call to make not hers.

But I had no idea that CP was so potentially dangerous. I was bought up in the age when our mums all carted us off to CP parties, where Chicken Pox was generally though of as no worse than a cold. It was only since moving to Australia where all children are vaccinated against it that I became better informed.

So wot I'm saying is that perhaps it was just ignorance on her part and you can now let it go. After all she now knows your views.

Actually, I quite like the sound of your in-laws laisez faire style.

YANBU. That is NOT her decision to make YOU are their mother and however the family feels about your parenting, they should keep their views to themselves! Imposing her beliefs on you like that was mean spirited. Not to mention you have a six month year old?!? Is she a fucking moron?

My mother caught chicken pox for the second time when my brother and I caught it. Her and I had to be hospitalised.

Where did this attitude that it's no worse than the common cold come from?

YANBU. Risking exposing a 6 month old to it is bad enough, she should have checked with everyone there first, there could be people who've not had it yet as adults, pregnant women who hadn't announced it yet, who knows?

Oh come on zonked - "checked with everyone first" really?

Wot rung round the whole guest list? Are you sure?

Shall we get a little perspective. Yes she was thoughtless, but it is chicken pox, not the Ebola Virus.

I would be faaaar more angry about the 'I know better for your kids than you do' aspect of making such a move than the actual move itself.

However remembering how bloody miserable I was with the chicken pox and seeing my mum so, so ill at such a tender age has me extremely biased.

If my children have anything contagious, I don't mix them with other people. Simple!

I think the mother of the child shouldn't have brought him to a party whether she was given permission to or not.

Your sister in law was thoughtless.

Can understand your upset, however, as your children were in bed and out of the way, the "what ifs" are pointless aren't they really.

Your SIL should have asked you, certainly.

But the mother of the child with chicken pox should not have taken her child to the party, if she was unsure if the child was still contagious. It's all very well to be a bit sanctimonious to you behind SIL's back. What was she doing at the party, with a possibly contagious child, anyway?

The point about your SIL, though, is, even though she was in the wrong, just let it go, now. It's happened, and you won't achieve anything by trying to convince her that she is wrong. She either knows she is, or will never believe that she is, anyway.

YANBU - as said previously, there are several reasons why the timing might not be good (e.g about to go on holiday), also I believe ds2 won't be immune fom it until after 1 years old (ie he could get it again)

Also am totally shocked by Qod's post

My 2dd's haven't yet had it (5 and 2). There are times when I have delberately kept them away and other times when I haven't been so bothered but still they haven't had it. I didn't get it until I was 12

Yanbu as posted before.

For the vast majority of people, cp is uncomfortable but not deadly.

Qod that is awful.

It is a serious illness and in Canada, the USA and Japan, other coutries too, I am sure, they vaccinate against it!!

The reason they do not in the UK is that, apparently it woule leave older people vulnerable to shingles, not quite sure how though. BUT there is a vaccine against shingle available.

All pregnant women in the UK are routinely tested for their immunity to CP in their first blood test.

Medical advice is to not deliberately expose children to CP because of the serious effects of it sometimes. That should be enough to make sure all children are vaccinated.

That said all three of my DCs have had it, not through deliberate exposure, and been fine. That was before I found all this out though. Had I found this out before I would have paid for private vaccine.

If your children do get it, aquaeous cream wuth calamine lotion in it is better and more soothing than just calmine lotion.

coutries countries

As someone who didnt get cp until they were 19 and still has pock marks on her forehead I would encourage kids to get it over with as young as possible.

CP at 19 is hell, violent headaches and covered from head to toe (even the back of my throat) in spots that burn, not allowed back to uni until the gp has written to them to say you are not contagious again and months of waiting for the spots to fade. I was off uni for 3 weeks.