Uncle and aunt turned on my child

[spaceangel1382]

My DH's brother and girlfriend loved my DD and always had time for her. They struggled to have a child but were blessed last year with a little girl. From the minute their DDwas born they make sly digs about my DD. refer to their child as 'the competition', mention how their DD has stolen my DD thunder. I've bit my tongue and walk out of rooms when stuff is said as I don't want to upset mother in law but it's now starting to really upset me. I have pulled them s few times in private but they play innocent and make out in being silly. What should I do?

I would ignore and limit the time you spend with them as much as possible.

They'll probably get over it, but I wonder whether you could enlist your MIL's support? Get DH to have a chat about how it's making you feel and get the whole family to gently intervene whenever they say this sort of thing.

Next time they do it pull them up on it straight away, regardless of who is there. Just ask them, with wide eyed innocence, what they mean. Hopefully that will make them think about how silly they sound.

I allowed it to go on too long and it's split the family. But the inlaws concerned say it's all me causing it. Not the fact they screamed at dd for no reason other than they were cross with her dad. That was the final straw for me. It's 3 years since I made an effort, and until we get an apology there won't be anything between us.

It may be that they genuinely think it's funny. I'd speak to mil (or get dh to)and say it's upsetting you/your dd.

It might be that they feel your mil favours your dd, or that you think your dd's more important because she's older, or "we fussed over her dd, she doesn't fuss over ours".

Or it may be they do see it like that. Some families do see the cousins as in direct rivals. I have a sneaking suspicion that bil finds our ds a threat because otherwise he'd have had the first (and only) dgs (we already had 2 girls).

If that's the case try rolling your eyes and saying "bingo. One ticked off on the list. You say that every time. Will we get a full house this time?"

I don't see the cousins as rivals. No point when my dc are so much more gorgeous/intelligent/perfect than them is there?

are they not saying it tongue in cheek? I think you are being a bit precious tbh

I think if OP doesnt like it... that is what counts. I would make a big thing about the dds being FAMILY and that they should be friends together not competing. Its sad. The parents are competitive because the feel like they were losers for taking time to conceive. Maybe your dd was their no.1 baby and unconsciously they are having to demote your child in favour of their own. Its all a bit primative. Dont let your dd miss out on having a cousin. resolve it.

If they are trying to start a rivalry between the children then you need to knock it on the head. My relationship with my grandparents was blighted because of a rivalry my aunt and uncle established when I was born, leading to my grandparents being very distant towards me and I hardly ever saw them because they didn't want to upset their other grandchild. It didn't really bother me because I had my other grandmother all to myself :) but it did upset my parents a lot.

Do they say these things to your DD and/or infront of her?

I would back away from them a bit. It's not good for small children to hear things like that.

My BiL (who is generally lovely) was a bit like this. DH and I had the first DGC on his side. We were unmarried and hadn't been together very long. In contrast, DBiL (who is the eldest in the family) and DSiL had been married for 10 years before they started TTC and took a year and a mc before they eventually had DNiece1.

Ever since then, DBiL has made the odd comment along the lines described by the OP, which we ignore and have put down to him having some odd old-fashioned ideas about how as the eldest, he should have had the first DGC and that first DGC (of his) should have been a boy (as ours was).

They sound sad and odd, I'm sure other people are thinking just not saying.

Their quips make it sound as though they've actually been harbouring jealous thoughts for a long time before their DD came along.

"They are not competing, they are cousins." Just keep saying it when the silly parents make comments like that. How annoying for you OP. I also like the 'full house' response. Or you could fall about laughing and pretend you and DH had a bet on about how soon they would say it?

When you pulled them up about it what did you say?

Did you say that you found it upsetting or did you make your concern about your dds feelings clear?

If you said 'i know you are joking but saying things about stealing thunder and competition in front of our DC is going to be confusing and potentially upsetting for them. Would you stop' and they are still doing it, I woukd be very annoyed.

As Nora said, rivalry is not a great idea. Not least because it is bloody childish and adults being bloody childish in front of children is never a brilliant idea.

To me it all sounds light hearted. I wouldn't limit contact with them. Unless there is some other reason in the background.

They sound very childish, I would just say 'what a silly thing to say, it's not a competition, they can grow up as friends'

I think they think they're being funny, but anything that's repeated again and again just gets irritating and boring

I know some people who try and make a competition out of being the hardest working mother but not come across grown adults doing this with children! Odd! Good luck with these two!

Agree with Sandalwood :(

Just re-read your OP. If they struggled, they were prob v. envious of your luck. I imagine they probably feel extra blessed and want everyone to know it. That shouldn't involve 'knocking/digging' at anyone else though!