AIBU to disown my family?

[whatlauradid]

Bit of background. My grandfather is like my father in every possible way. Since I had my first baby four years ago he has helped with transport, financial issues in small amounts and has spoken to me every day. He has done a lot for us so I feel incredibly guilty doing this but I have cut him off.

1. Three years ago he called social services with an anonymous tip that I was living in a council flat with dogs, a baby and filth everywhere. I had no pets and my house was a little messy in the bedrooms but filth?! SS made nothing of it and after a home check left.

1. He constantly undermines my parenting despite telling him not to and that I don't appreciate it. He then usually gets up and storms out but calls within a day or two where I usually apologise.

1. He moans constantly about my DP saying after his redundancy that he should have another job despite him applying for 20 a week and getting nowhere. He says that DP is lazy and he diesn't know where our heads are at because it's all our fault. The benefit screw ups are also all of our faults and how dare I suggest going back to work if DP can't because I have a mental health illness and need to look after the children.

1. In the same breath I shouldn't have a mental health illness and half the time I'm faking my highs and lows of bipolar otherwise I would be sectioned and have my children taken off me. He calls me a spoiled silly little girl and bipolar us not real, just a medical term for lazy.

1. Three days ago he told me my house was dusgusting and no way should I have a high chair/bag if clothes in the living room and because I lived like a tramp he should call SS again. What?!! This is where I told him to fuck off and do it.

Posted too soon.

All of my family think I am being VU doing this as he loves me and the children and is just looking out for us but he is just causing more stress whenever I see hom. His racist remarks, his blatant disregard for anyone because it's a joke and how dare anyone call him out on it as he is a pensioner attutude is wearing thin.

I feel awful because he has done so much for me but really he is a twat.

Sounds like you need a break from each other - you don't need people in your life making a bad situation worse. I wouldn't say you need to disown him, though, that's a bit excessive especially since he's been there for you in the past. Tell him you're dealing with your current family situation and that him being negative is unhelpful.

Gosh it's always so hard to say with just one side of a story.

Be honest, do you think he has any real grounds to call SS?

Why would he do it to be spiteful?

Is he the kind of man you could impose boundaries with? It sounds like he really loves you but hasn't a clue how to support you to live your own life. Could you see a counsellor to talk about how to deal with him assertively? It doesn't work with everyone of course...my FIL for example...
Also, could SS have a chat with you so they're aware of all this and know not to pay too much attention to him?

SS wouldn't have a case. There's general toy clutter and old bills in a drawer but the washing is done daily, clean sheets etc, healthy food in the kitchen, sweeping, mopping and hoovering done regularly, bathroom cleaned, kids clean etc. The only things they could pick up on are the clothes on the floor of my bedroom and the carpet stained (but vaxed and clean) on the stairs from when our dog was being house trained and we can't afford the replacement carpet for another three months. There's a fire guard, cupboard locks etc so it's all very child friendly.

He is not a boundary man. I have tried talking to him, imposing boundaries, sternly telling him, telling him gently etc and he just shouts at me or storms out. He will say and do what he wants or nothing.

His house is like a showhome. Everything is spotless (he has a cleaner once a week but since he lives there with my 94 year old greatgran who us his mother in law he doesn't have to clean much). He is the type to buy £90 jeans and iron his socks whereas I only iron for nursery/nice outings.

I know he is irrevocably stressed but I don't feel he should take it out on me. I am not doing well at the moment and him shouting down the phone about all my shortcomings because I don't clean every second of the day and allow my 18 month old to get messy at dinner time before her bath etc is just not on.

He stormed out the other day because I said it was easier to put all the childrens clothes in the washing nachine rather than hand dipping them in a basin. He thinks with a 4 year old and an 18 month old that everything can be kept especially neat and tidy.

I honestly dont know if IABU.

Yes, he would call SS to be spiteful. There was no cause for him to call SS the first time as when they came to our flat they first said that they were there on an anonymous tip (my sister told me it was him and he later confessed) and then they looked around, checked beds, looked at my daughter only being one at the time, checked the food etc as he told them they lived on toast, realised there were no dogs etc and told me everything was fine and the claim was unfounded.

What's dipping then in the sink?

i would step back for a while but tell him why, calmly and stick to just the facts.

We all go through periods of our life that we're not proud of, could it be that you were having a bad time when he rang s/s?
I'm not in anyway suggesting he made the right call but in his mind he may have been doing what he thought was best for you.

The undermining is annoying yes but from his point of view is he offering "advice"? Again only you can know. My father is constantly offering his pearls of wisdom and through years of practice I can now let it wash over. Easier said than done.

The comments about your mental health though, there he is being a twat and I would be very clear that you will not tolerate any more than that. Point him in the direction of his nearest library to educate himself if you think he may listen but definitely draw a line on that one.

Your op doesn't sound like this man is a bit of a dinosaur in his thinking methods of communication but maybe not malicious. It also sounds like you don't really want to lose him from your life so maybe it's worth giving the relationship a go again with perhaps expressing your boundaries in a calm assertive manner. Again, I know easier said than done.

Maybe some time apart will soften him a bit. He might eventually accept that he was behaving inappropriately and tone it down so that he can have you all back in his life.

He is not malicious but it can seem that way sometimes. The SS call was probably for the best in his mind but I wasn't going through a bad time then. It was Christmas and I was a little more stressed but my flat was clean and tidy, I was spending my nights at home with a DVD and DP and I was just getting on with it. It took me completely by surprise as while my flat was no show home it was definitely nothing other than tidy with a lived in feel.

He thinks all childrens clothes never get dirty and if you dip them in the sink with a bit of washing powder they're sparkling. I have two children and two adults washing to do so it's much easier to put it in the washing machine despite his claims that childrens clothes and uniform is not designed for a washing machine.

I don't want to lose him because I love him but things cannot go on this way. His remarks, his downright judgment and hus unsolicited advice need to stop. I always hear his advice but if I don't take it I am a stupid girl and he is always right. Then he says "I don't know why I bother" and storms out.

How often do you see him? Can you rely on him less and meet less but try to stay on positive terms.

DP has said he is not allowed into this house without apologising for the SS comment, even if he never calls. He is fed up of it too but has only stood up to him a few times as he feels it isn't his place. This has riled him up though as he sees just how much housework I do and how much he does and we still get comments about SS over this.

DP threw him out of the house once. My grandfather was making comments aboyt how my children live like animals going barefoot in the house and if I don't put slippers on them he would slap me. I said about hiw they don't like slippers and were in the house so it was not a problem and he told me I was fucking useless and that the children were looking like tramps so I should make them keep them on. DP went a bit mad at the threat and told him to leave. Grandfather later guilted me into apologising on DP's behalf.

You don't call SS on your family apart from as an absolute last resort. You step in and do everything you can to help first. If he did this without a. A valid reason or b. Without trying to help and assist you first I think you are absolutely right to cut him out of your life. The other things you've mentioned could possibly be worked through (apart from belittling your MH problems - that would also be a cut off point for me). Stay strong and have people in your life who make you feel well and loved, not who make you feel like this x

I've offered to meet him on neutral ground but he has said no. I usually see him twice a week but speak at least every other day.

I honestly think he is waiting for SS to say something bad and step in. After that incident I was terrified of SS taking my youngest after she was born and it made me quite ill. Even now I get a bit agitated and ask my health visitor and CPN if they have any grounds and neither can see any cause for concern. My CPN sees me weekly in my house and knows me very well.

People.do call ss to be spitful i have been through it and lost a close.friend because her grandad reported.us. OP maybe tell him.if is mo longer welcome in your home but will see him.elsewhere and keep the kids away from him x

Spiteful not spitful

He sounds like a toxic control freak. Threatening you with violence if you don't force your children to wear slippers? Telling you clothes aren't designed for the washing machine is just doolally but calling SS and telling them lies isn't him looking out for you at all.

He tries to bully you into doing everything his way and continuously makes derogatory remarks about every aspect of your life. If you want your kids to grow up thinking that that's ok then carry on seeing him. If not then cut him out.

The threatening to slap you and calling you a stupid little girl are also a big danger sign. He views you as a child not an adult and a mother. He is trying to control you like a mentally abusive adult would control a child. His relationship with you does not sound healthy and seems all on his terms. Apart from everything else that's very draining.

He sounds very controlling actually. He may be intervening with the 'best intentions' (in his mind) but he can only see one way of doing it - his - and if you are not living your life how he sees fit he has no hesitation in imposing his way of doing things.
He may be kind and loving in other respects, but he has no respect for you as a parent and individual.
If it was me I would have no hesitation in stepping back from this relationship a bit.
You could write him a letter describing your feelings and stating that he needs to start showing more respect for you as a parent and individual. You could say in the letter that if he cannot do this you will have no alternative but to distance yourself a bit e.g still see him occasionally but not allow him to be active in your life as he is now. Tell him that his way of 'helping' actually causes a lot of harm to you and your family sometimes.
You sound like you're actually doing very well in difficult circumstances (DP's redundancy, your mental health difficulties). I'm glad that you realise that SS will have no grounds for concern, because based on what you describe they definitely won't.
Best wishes.

Not sure how old he is but basing it on mils age i am guessing in his 70's. is this the start of dementia perhaps? it sounds to an untrained ear that it might be you know . Is there any history of it in his family. i would have a word with your GP or someone who knows more about it than i do and see if this is the case.

It sounds like he is the one with the mental health problems. He is causing you and your partner terrible stress and anxiety. I think you should tell him that he cannot come to your house because you cannot deal with all his criticisms. You can then see him at family gatherings / neutral territory.

I don't know if there's sny history of dementia as he was adopted and doesn't know much of his biological family except a second cousin. I do know he is very set in his ways and always has been so although he's getting older (in his 70's) this has always been his personality, just amplified. My nan used to keep him in check but since she died six years ago he's not really been the same.

I feel like I should cut him some slack but it's so hard to feel sympathetic when he acts the way he does. I am 24, not 16. Until three months ago we were paying for everything ourselves and doing so since I was 19 and moved out. It feels odd being treated this way when I am an educated adult with a partner and two children.