AIBU to feel like this about my in laws?

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OK so they've never liked me, can't even write my name right on a card and it's their Golden Wedding and my sister in law is coming over from NZ. So they have planned a party cos she's coming over and the day after want to take us all out for a meal. I am annoyed cos it's just a charade pretending to play at happy families when the reality is they never see us or their granddaughter and the last time we went out for a meal was just after our wedding 18 years ago.
So I voiced my opinion saying they'd never ask us if t wasn't for SIL being here and I'm made to feel unreasonable and I don't think I am do you?

I think you over reacted personally. They may not like you but it was a meal for SIL.

YABU. It isn't about you, it's about SIL coming home. Swallow your differences for one night for the sake of SIL and your family or don't go. I'm sure it won't be any skin off their nose..

Maybe you're right and maybe they wouldn't.

But they have, so what's the point in causing an atmosphere?

Well, I wouldn't go. If you never see them and don't have a relationship to speak of, then what's the point?

Yabu. It's not about you is it?

It's one meal. I'm sure you can manage one meal for your sil's sake.

Its their Golden Wedding and they want to have a nice celebration. If I were you I'd go with it. They ARE inviting you, they ARE including you, for thefirst time in 18 years. Enjoy it.

If you are lovely and good company they will see what they have missed. If you are grumpy and miserable they will not invite you again.

I understand op, yanbu.
My pils are always organising family get-togethers for everyone in the family except for their own son, who never once gets invited to tea and pils don't have our kids over either but they are quite happy to have my sil kids over every weekend and every single year we have to go through with these birthday/anniversary dos(charades) where everyone pretends to get on and we are expected to bring expensive gifts, this year im not taking part in the pretense at playing "happy families".
Don't go op

What happens at christmas?

I wouldnt go.

But the op hasn't said that they have regular get togethers and exclude her family, just that they haven't done it for 18 years. So they're (sadly) not sociable people, but if they are doing something, be gracious about it. It's not a case of playing happy families - it will be quite obvious you're not a close family, but there's nothing particularly wrong with that. And 50 years (albeit sitting in silence!) is something to be proud of.

aja-the pils don't see their own grandchild, i wouldn't want nothing to do with them.
They can put on a big show for their golden anniversary & their daughters bday but they don't see their grandchild-it speaks volumes to me

Does you DH want to see his sister? Presumably he hasn't seen her for a long time if she lives in NZ. Would it not be worth going so he can see her?

I relate very much to not wanting to put on a 'happy families' charade when the rest of the time the relationships are not good.

I have similar probs with my brother and his (in my view) toxic wife - I live on the other side of the world and SIL treats my mum like crap, but as soon as I am coming home for a visit DB and SIL want to play at happy families. Last year I was home for Xmas (a one-off because of school terms) and they were suddenly insisting on a big family Xmas whereas normally they refuse to have it with my parents, leaving my dad all on his own year after year.

I got to a point where I realised that I don't actually have to put myself through this any more. I said I didn't think the family relationships were healthy enough to risk the one Christmas my children would have with their grandparents, and in the end the family event we did have was so ghastly I've now said I don't intend to see SIL any more.

So no, I don't think you're unreasonable!

Are they horrible or just distant and dismissive?

But the op hasn't said they're vile, although they don't like her. But it'll probably be the last time all of the family get together, and they'd like a meal with their children. Is that so wrong?

In my mind, there's a big difference between this and trying to pretend that they're a close, happy family.

I doesn't matter if they'd like it, aj. You reap what you sow and if they cba all the rest of the time then they have to accept that maybe their dil cba now.

Either go and suck it up or don't go and arrange to she sil another day.
Honestly what did you gain by having a strop? You have justified their actions. If anyone should have said something it should have been your dh.

You see karma, I believe in karma, and I think if you can put yourself out and do something nice for somebody, it will come back to you. Totally get the other side of the coin, that they've done nothing nice, so nothing is going back to them. But life's short, they brought up the OP's DH presumably to be a good, decent man, so they can't be all bad.

If they were abusive I could see it, but they just sound pretty sad people from the limited amount of information we have to go on.

It is two sides of the same coin - I think that life is too short to spend time with people who don't contribute anything positive to your life.

I think that barring abusive relationships, it's okay to give people a second chance to get things right. But if you have been an emotionally absent parent, whether you get a second chance hinges on whether your kids cba to give it - there's no automatic entitlement to it.

Quite often you see people giving 3rd and 4th and 5th chances to people who never change. Lots of people want their wishes to be accommodated, without wanting to give anything in return.

I do agree though, that there is not much info here, regarding who has made what effort, over the years.

OK, thanks for your responses, some I agree with some not...
Anyhow they have a great social life lots of friends but they're too busy for us. I am going for the sake of my DH and I will be as pleasant and as lovely as I always am with them (I dunno why!) it's just it riles me that they do it just to look good.
For example my MIL hasn't been to see us in 8 years (they live 6 miles away) until this Easter, oh let me think it this becasue SIL is coming over and she doesn't want it to seem like she hasn't been to our house?
Most would have been unwelcoming but I wasn't even though I felt like it, Christmas we just get a card dropped off if were lucky with a little money inside, no thought for a gift for us as they cba! We always buy them pressies, I am fed up of it being one sided but DH insists we make the effort and gets face on with me if I don't.
What makes me angrier is the way they talk to DD as if they actually know her, they didn't even know she was doing any exams or even left school, they make such a fuss in public just to save face....

Sorry I've not been posting much in between I don't want DH to see, he'd be mad and upset I was venting on here!

I would take the view that if your dh wants to 'make the effort', that's his right, but it's not his right to expect you to buy presents etc and get a face on if you don't. They are his parents - if he wants to make an effort, then he should.

My dh would be met with a sound 'fuck off' if he pulled that shit on me.

what do you do for them?

I would not go, why would you?

My pil are a bit the same and I make no bones about the fact I do not like them and visit as seldom as I can get away with. There is a family wedding soon I am not going oh is and dd but why would I want to i never see these people from one year to the next.

If oh wants to thats fine i will stay home with dog and have a lovely day, I do not feel the need to suck up to people just to keep the peace.