..to feel guilty for having children?

[inlovewithdaddypig]

sometimes I look at my DC's beautiful, innocent faces and feel sooo guilty.

for what does/could lie ahead for them. yes, life can be wonderful and beautiful but as I'm getting older it also seems to be incredibly cruel and hard sometimes. most folk I know, some more than others, have some kind of hardship to deal with. sometimes life feels extremely unfair for some people - usually the lovely ones.

I so want my DCs to have happy lives but I have virtually no control over the hand of fate.

anyone else feel like this and, how do you rationalise it? I know what my own advice would be to someone else in the same situation - that what doesn't break us makes us stronger and more compassionate but it doesn't feel enough!

It's best not to over think it really.

Since time began life has been hard for some people and there have always been horrible things in the world.

I still think that in general, the good things outweigh the bad.

surely better that they have a chance of life, happinness now, a loving mother like you, than no life at all?

I'm an unhappy person on the whole- bipolar disorder, lots of mistakes made, lots of things lost- but I'd rather have had the chance at life than not. And there is always hope.

I think you should feel glad for your kids that they have a mother who cares so much for them.

Worra also has a point. Imagine being born as 95% of the population before about 1960. Poverty, no healthcare, dreadful working conditions, etc. Although they say even poor people were happier then :D

Happiness is in the moment. No one is guaranteed a lifetime of it but life is always a fascinating journey (and if I as a depressive loon can say that imagine how much more will be the case for your children!!)

No matter how bad life is, there is always hope. I really believe that.
Imo some of worst things have turned into positives. I am the person I am because of the good and bad I have been through. I am happy with who I am. You can't protect your kids from everything that is bad. But you do your best as I am sure you are. But that's better than no life at all.

Worral - agree about not overthinking - wish I could tell my brain that :) I do often think about folk born last centry etc - it must have been horrendous - or losing kids in wars etc [will shut up now, and cheer up!)

Domestic - you don't sound like any kind of loon- just someone for whom life has thrown some tough things at... You are right about happiness being in the moment - I try to live my life exactly like that but the happiness feels sooooo precious.

inlove sadly I am a bit loony- I use the word sort of ironically, but with bipolar you just don't know what mood you are going to be in when you wake up or if it will be the same when you go to sleep.

My life is very hard atm and I'm lonely, but still the sights and sounds of life are something I would not have wanted to miss. I've been suicidal too in the past but there was always something that pulled me back- the possibility of hope, my kids and the beauty that we can see sometimes (nature/poetry/dreams). Your kids will have full lives that may not always be happy but they will be full.

Well whilst you're indulging in your morose and overthought drama spare a thought for the women who can't have children and who'd swap places with you in a split second. No - I'm not one of them thankfully but your post seems to be incredibly ~ sorry to use the word again, can't think of another ~ indulgent.

It's fine to wonder/worry what life has in store for your children, and I'm sure it'll turn out to be a mixed bag like everyone else has, but it's sad you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by it to the extent you feel guilty for even bringing them into the world.

I'm sure they'd rather be here and take their chance, than not have that opportunity.

If you're in the UK (and I know lots wouldn't agree) but I think we can have a relatively fantastically exciting life, if that's what the person chooses to do. We have options, which might be limited, but you can make your own if you don't like what's on offer.

There can be a lot of guilt attached to being a parent, but the choice to have them wouldn't be top of my list

well, inlovewithdaddypig, i've often felt like that about my child, and now feel the same way about hers. how much kinder it would have been to not have brought them into this world where they will undoubtedly be hurt, could have awful lives, could end up alone.

all i can say is that reproduction is what life's about and most of us have followed that urge.

it doesn't mean i lack sympathy for, or empathy with, people who have not been able to have children. just because some people can't, doesn't mean that those who have will always have an easy conscience about it .

There's nothing wrong in feeling a bit weighed down by stuff Lentilly, or saying you feel like that on MN, it's what it's here for.

Your fears for your children can be too much sometimes, imagining them unhappy or hurting can make you morose.

It's not fair to try and lay another guilt trip on the OP by using the distress women who can't have children feel, and not fair to the women who can't have them either.

Two totally different things.

I can honestly say that even though it was hard at the time, there are lots of situations where I'm almost glad I've been through something painful because I know I'm a different and better person for understanding some things.

You are probably right Agent.

ooh lentilly - harsh blow sideways there (ducks for cover).

if you only knew the battle we'd had to have our DCs. feels like a relief to post this here as I am anonymous - my lovely DH has a medical conditions we didn't know about until recently and, as a result, we had to have fertility treatment both times using donor sperm...

it's precisely because they are so utterly precious to me and the love I feel for them, knowing how lucky I am to have them, that has led me to feel this way.

I went through very dark times before we had our DCs, and they have made me a better mother as a result, but I wouldn't wish such an experience on anyone else.

YANBU to worry about your DCs future.

But YABU to feel giulty for having children. No one knows what their future may be or what they may achieve. You have chosen to have them and your nurturing instincts make you a good mother that will give them the best shop in life.

Thanks Agent.... you are right. I feel I can't ask this question to my friends or family - some of my friends haven't been as lucky as we have - and I am also seen as a very cheerful upbeat person and I like to mull my darker side over online.

Also agree about situations making you stronger but I've seen some folk go through tough tough things recently and it's knocked me for six. I don't feel like a particularly emphatic person but I do f-e-e-l others pain very deeply. It breaks my heart, for example, when I hear of others' infertility as the pain of what we suffered, as a couple, nearly broke me.

Oh, wasn't expecting that answer Lentilly

Are you sure?

I have morbid shit constantly going round my head, really horrible stuff I can't control (OCD) but even the worst case scenarios I dream up would never draw me into thinking I wish I'd denied the world myself the opportunity to know my lovely DDs.

Yes, that are the words, 'the darker side'.

Although they can be distressing at times, the amount of dark thoughts I have has actually led me into really interesting and stimulating places (mentally ).

I might be a morose fucker, but I'm happy in it

Just don't think about it.

When I do thin about it I remind myself that whilst I've had some really crappy things happen I'm still a happy person so even if they experience pain and misery it doesn't mean life will be all bad.