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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not read my DS a bedtime story

21 replies

uselesslife · 23/06/2012 22:09

he's nearly 5
His behaviour has not been good recently, really pushing the boundaries
Told him off umpteen times today, for throwing things for just not accepting when I say no
So tonight after he drew on the bathroom wall, I said he was not having his new book
And he cried so much.
And now I feel guilty
I explained that if he is going to be naughty he can't have the nice things
Am I horrible?

OP posts:
SleepyFergus · 23/06/2012 22:13

No, he has to learn that his actions have consequences. Hope you have a better day tomorrow!

WorraLiberty · 23/06/2012 22:13

You're not horrible at all. We all parent differently.

I never used to use the bedtime story as a punishment because no matter how naughty they'd been during the day, I used to use that time for calm and a cuddle and sometimes to have a chat about naughty behavior that day.

Having said that, it's difficult to choose a punishment that actually works and if this one is going to work for you, then YANBU. You know your child best.

CailinDana · 23/06/2012 22:14

Suddenly withdrawing something nice after a child has done something wrong won't work as a punishment, it'll just upset the child and make them resent you. Make punishments very clear and warn about them in advance. So you could have said, say, at dinner time, "Remember now DS that I want lovely behaviour until bedtime and then you can have your book. If you do anything that you're not supposed to do between now and then you will have one warning and then there will be no book. Is that clear?"

To be honest, however, I would avoid once-off punishments like this. Punishments should be fixed so that the child knows what to expect and so that you don't end up going over the top.

Instead of withdrawing treats could you start a reward chart with him, to try and improve his behaviour throughout the day? Then the treat at the end for filling his chart could be his book.

Minshu · 23/06/2012 22:14

Well done, you stuck to your guns.

Have Wine and start again tomorrow.

Destrier · 23/06/2012 22:14

YANBU, but I like to make sure I warn him that if he doesn't stop, this is what the consequence will be... (rather than just land the punishment on him)

Goofymum · 23/06/2012 22:15

YANBU he has to learn the consequences of bad behaviour. Did you explain clearly that he was not having his book because he drew on the wall and did x y z and that that was unacceptable, (as per supernanny)? Just so long as he understands why you did what you did then it's fine and the right.

WicketyPitch · 23/06/2012 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iliketea · 23/06/2012 22:17

Nope YANBU. Dd is 2.5 and gets 2 stories before bed, I got fed up with regular messing around at bath / bed time that I told her if she wastes time refusing bath or pyjamas them she has less time for stories. She only missed stories for 2 nights and the playing up stopped.

CailinDana · 23/06/2012 22:18

The difference in your situation ilike is that you warned in advance. That's what makes a punishment effective.

Original poster
uselesslife · 23/06/2012 22:21

Oh I hate the word punishment
Cailin I feel like I spent all day discussing his behaviour and telling him that we wouldn't do x, y, z
It doesn't work
I've done reward charts and they work for specific things, like getting dressed, washed etc.
But not stopping when I say no, is a bit hard to prepare for

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 23/06/2012 22:22

Yabu.
I don't believe in withdrawing bed time routine as a punishment.
You could still have dispiclined DC without with holding the story.
Deal with the naughty behaviour and then carry on with routine.
IMO experiences as a mother ,and professionally speaking, it's best for children to go to bed on a positive note .

CailinDana · 23/06/2012 22:23

I know the word punishment sounds harsh but that is what you're talking about here. If you are going to punish it needs to a set, fixed punishment. Suddenly foisting a punishment on him with no warning really isn't fair and won't be effective because he won't link the punishment and his behaviour properly. Does that make sense? Have you tried time out?

BackforGood · 23/06/2012 22:24

Exactly what Worra said.
I used to find that "calm down and chat and cuddle" at the end of the day was probably as important to me as to them, so wouldn't withdraw it as a punishment, but at the end of the day, we all have to do what works for our children on the day. No point in feeling guilty or upset about it afterwards.

Original poster
uselesslife · 23/06/2012 22:27

Goofy, I did explain and I was calm, but fuming inside!
I knew when I looked at his face that he knew he had done wrong with the drawing on the wall

He usually has a couple of stories, I have reduced the number before, but never Not read anything

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/06/2012 22:29

Do you think there might be a reason why he's playing up at the moment? Something stressing him out?

Original poster
uselesslife · 23/06/2012 22:31

Yes tried time out
That worked a bit when he was 3

He did say sorry and we did have a cuddle, so didn't go to sleep on a really bad note
Nannyplum, how would you have disciplined him. He's on his way to bed, just having a wee before, and he writes on the wall. There's only 10 mins of daytime left?

OP posts:
Original poster
uselesslife · 23/06/2012 22:36

Think it's probably school coming up and he's become a bit clingy
Pre-school have said it's nothing unusual, they all get a bit like this in the run up to school.

He's not really naughty, just pushing, which I'm trying to nip on the bud
E.g, don't kick the heater(car)
And he just has to give it another kick
Eg, can I have x,yz. No, please listen. Mummy said no, with the reason. Please can I , please. No, mummy said no, dont ask again, etc, etc

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/06/2012 22:41

It has to be "Don't kick the heater or..." and give a consequence. Then follow through with the consequence. At the moment he feels like he can ignore you and nothing will happen.

The can I have xyz thing is attention seeking. Answer no, give the reason and then say "I'm not answering that question again," and completely ignore him if he asks the same thing again. Try to distract him with talking about something else.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/06/2012 22:53

With the repeated asking, I find that saying 'the answer won't change so please stop asking' is pretty effective with my 3.11 yo.

It is hard though, we get the constant pushing of boundaries. I think plenty of exercise followed by plenty of healthy food and keeping the sugar intake down helps with behaviour overall.

I wouldn't withdraw bedtime stories though. Reading is so important, and that wind down at the end of the day so that they fall asleep calm is so important too.

NoComet · 23/06/2012 23:08

UANBU
Withdrawal of bedtime story is a perfectly reasonable consequence of bad behaviour last thing in an evening.

A 5y does not want his crimes going into the next day.

Original poster
uselesslife · 24/06/2012 16:50

His behaviour today has been quite good!
We'll see what happens at bedtime

Any other tips gratefully received!

OP posts:
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