need help with toxic female family relationships

[brassmonkey1]

Ever since I can remember there has been competition and rivalry between myself and my aunts and cousins. We're all grown up now with families of our own but if anything it's getting worse and I just can't bear it. Well, I can't bear the fact that I still feel bothered about it all.

How do you turn off the switch and stop biting back to other women who constantly put you down with back handed compliments and the like?

I hate myself for even repeating the nasty things that have been said to me by certain members of the family. All I am doing is giving it all more exposure, and causing myself to think about it even more.

By talking about it to other members of the family I am making myself look like the competitive one who can't let things be. But the truth is I do despise the women that constantly pick on me and I can't stand it when they muscle in and make themselves the centre of attention in the family, which they are very good at doing.

So how do I stop feeling resentful and let go?

Tough call because the problem only exists in your head. Change the way you think.

How?

Dunno.

Try self help books. Try rationalising stuff. Do you really care/love these people? If not then why do you care about their opinions?

Or challenge their nastiness and NEVER sink to their level.

Helped?

So how do I stop feeling resentful and let go?

Sex, drugs, booze and rock n roll. And cake.

Laugh at them.

Change your attitude and start seeing them as the silly people they are. Laugh about it. openly. At them. Oh, you are funny when you start all this, bless you.

Or stop interacting with them.

or challenge them when they say something you don't like. "That sounded quite rude, what did you mean?"

Don't be their victim and then fume about it. You don't have to keep that as your role. You can change.

i would choose to laugh at them, because when you see someone as silly, it removes all their power over you. But there are other choices, including the others I mentioned.

Take a deep breathe. Hold in the hate and the come out with a lovely comment. It shoulds a bit hippy but thats how it works. Its as hard as can be but if that doesn't take you to a better place you may have to cut your ties and move on.

I must love/ care about them in some way, I have grown up with them. But I really dislike them and have done for years. Unfortunately I can't break ties completely because we have too many family occasions where everyone is present.

The problem is that they enjoy confrontation and arguments, drama, so they will push and provoke until I get upset, my buttons are pushed. I often get random phone calls from them when they attack me and say all sorts of horrible things. But then a few days late they will pretend everything is fine and if I don't play ball they make life difficult and act bitchy. It's bullying in some form or another.

When I'm pleasant towards them and pretend everything's fine they then get really over bearing and want to know everything that's going on in our lives. This is dangerous as they often try to sabotage things and I do not trust them for a second.

Just because they are related to you, it doesn't mean you have to like them, or get on with them.
If all these family occasions are a trial, and stress you out, and you don't enjoy them, stop going.
You're a groen up, nobody can make you do anything anymore. Act like one, take control of your own life and stop engaging with these people. If anyone phones you and starts to have a go, just put the phone down. Or screen their calls and don't even answer them in the first place. You do not have to speak to, or meet, any one you don't want to.

grown up doh!

Can you give us an example of their behaviour?

You "stop biting back" by ending the conversation if they start up with being rude to you. If they ring only to start insulting you then just say "Well it's been lovely chatting to you but I must get on, have a great weekend, bye!!"

I've been taking that tack recently - the trouble is I find it really uncomfortable when I see them in person. They are very cold towards me, treat me as though I've done something terrible to hurt them. For example they will start crying and pretend to be upset that I haven't been in touch with them.

Examples, let's say everything will be fine for a few weeks or months, then out of the blue I will get a phonecall that begins with 'how are you', and then escalates very quickly into, 'why haven't you invited me to your house for dinner? I know you invited so and so and I am unable to understand why you are singling us out and excluding us'.

The 'exclusion' is all in their heads it's just they think they should be involved in everything and don't like it if any other member of the family meets without them knowing about it or being invited. I am not talking about large gatherings here, it could be 2 other cousins meeting up, and not the whole group ( there are 6 of us).

Then they will start saying 'you're rude, you are a horrible person, etc etc etc'. And when I speak I am shouted down, it's really unpleasant.

Why do you love them? they don't sound very loveable or as though they love you at all.

Meant to ask, what is it then that you love about them?

I couldn't say. Maybe I don't love them at all. I have grown up with them and seen them on an almost weekly basis for most of my life, so there's obviously some kind of emotional pull there.

Stop socialising with them? Move away? I don't understand why some people spend so much time with relatives they dislike. Families who live on top of each other seem more inclined to petty tiffs over nothing.
Back off from them and fill your social calendar with people whose company you enjoy.
I love my relatives but only see them a few times a year. I don't see anyone except kids husband and work colleagues every week. I'd find that far too restricting.
You don't have to attend a family occasion just because there is one. Find a time consuming hobby.
Tell them you find holding dinner parties a bit much at the moment and that normally you wait to be invited round for dinner.
Agree with others that you don't have to socialise with people you don't like just because you share some genes.

probably obligation. Feeling like the rest of the family will judge you, or something.

But this person sounds horrible and you are actually allowed to say you know what, you're vile and I really don't want you in my life.

And any other member of the family who sticks their beak in can be told that you are nobody's whipping boy and you have the right to be treated with respect and since this person can't do that - you don't want them in your life.