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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my parents need to lower their expectations atm.

32 replies

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 20:42

I will be graduating at the beginning of next month with a 2:1 from a Russell Group university.

As my DP - fiancée- will still be doing his post-grad degree I've decided to stay in the town I was at university at and move into our own place.

Because at the moment there is a lot of upheaval - moving house, having to have a couple to days off for my graduation and a family holiday - within the next couple of months I decided to hold off on trying to find a 'proper' job (as my parents put it) and went full time in the hospitality job I have had for the past year.

This job is in the same field - although not directly - that I want to have a career in and I have been approached by a company within the industry with regards to a possible position which will be opening up soon. To take advantage of my contacts within the industry it makes sense for me to stay here.

If this position doesn't come to fruition within the next few months or something else comes up I will look elsewhere but for the time being it would be silly to apply for something owing to the above considerations.

However, every time I ring my parents I get told that they are:
a. disapointed that I don't have a job - odd as I do which is much more than most people I know who struggling to find anything.
b. ask when I'm going to get a job despite knowing how I'm planning on doing stuff/ the economical climate/ and the problems with needing time off within the next couple of months
c. tell me that I shouldn't have a problem getting a proper job - they are intelligent and fully aware of the economical climate so either they are greatly inflating my ability or in denial.
d. tell me to move home as there are more opportunities back home - not true - 'back home' is a rural market town with high unemployment whilst at the moment I am within commutable distance of a major city.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable or whether they are living in some fairy land where all graduates dive face first into well paid graduate level jobs.

OP posts:

shoppingbagsundereyes · 22/06/2012 20:49

YAnbu, assuming your parents aren't supporting you financially, it's none of their business

Meglet · 22/06/2012 20:52

yanbu. I don't think some people realise how tough it is out there even for graduates. We had a girl from Oxford working with us for several months doing basic admin. She didn't walk into a dream job!

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 20:56

In fairness shopping they have a little by giving me a small loan for house fees but it was instead of me getting a bank loan and I have made it clear that it will be paid back. I had to swallow my pride to do so as I am very independent.

OP posts:

shoppingbagsundereyes · 22/06/2012 20:59

That's fair enough. Stand by my view that it's none of their business.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 22/06/2012 21:00

All I can say is try not to worry about their reaction, and get on with your lives.
It's so tough out there right now for people with years of experience let alone new graduates. As you said, there are MANY people without a few hours work a week let alone ful time!
They are being very unrealistic I'm afraid.

NeedlesCuties · 22/06/2012 21:06

YANBU, they are being unfair.

Try to not pay attention, congrats on the degree and congrats on working at all!

CloudC · 22/06/2012 21:09

I don't really agree tbh. The job market might be tough, but to have a good 2:1 and not even try and compete for the best graduate openings sounds like a waste to me. I can see their point of view. The possible job is not a definite, and if you miss the milk round this year, employers will be asking why you didn't apply last year - But then, you're an intelligent woman, and i'm sure you've thought through your options thoroughly... still, sounds like your parents have been good to you, and want the best for you, so they are entitled to voice their opinion.

Staceisace · 22/06/2012 21:11

Well done - I'm in the same position as you right now :) well, except I'm one of those having to look for a job! I'm from a rural area originally so moving back would be silly as there's even less work there.

My family keep asking me 'what I'm going on for?' as though now that I have a degree I'm automatically going to walk into a high flying job. I've tried to explain to them that it's not like that and right now I'm trying to find a job in a field I'd like to stay in but if I can't I'll just have to take whatever I can get.

They're being unfair.

Hexenbiest · 22/06/2012 21:14

YANBU

Try and chalk it up to them having a loving interest in your well being and possibly thinking your the greatest thing ever and they can't image everyone else not realizing that. Their just phrasing it wrong and it's sounding like criticizing to your ears at the minute.

Just refuse to discuss it with them and quickly change the subject.

They may be vaguely aware how hard things are but not equate it with your particular situation.

Hexenbiest · 22/06/2012 21:16

you're not your

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 21:16

CloudC: I have applied to hundreds of jobs that I would loath to do, got a few call backs etcetera however, they would all be starting when the holiday is (this is the holiday my parents have said - we have booked and paid for you to come so you HAVE to come, not an option).

Because of my job experience within the industry and the industry I want to go into the jobs aren't reliant on the milk round but rather on making yourself known in other parts of the industry and jumping on junior positions when they arrive.

I agree they have been good, and I am grateful, however there is voicing ones opinion and then their is putting your daughter down at every moment.

OP posts:

carabos · 22/06/2012 21:17

YANBU, but I suspect that you might find that your parents do have an idea, even if not fully worked out, about the sort of job they dream think you ought to be doing. And that this is possibly the start of a lifetime of "disappointment" with your choices.

Nip this in the bud now and stick to your well-thought out strategy.

Bigwheel · 22/06/2012 21:18

Do they like your dp? Sounds like there trying to get you away from him to me.

vj32 · 22/06/2012 21:21

CloudC - the OP may not want to do any of the 'graduate jobs' available. Most of those which are available to all subjects are training to be middle managers of some sort of consultant. That is not what everyone wants to do.

happyhopefulmummy · 22/06/2012 21:22

I haven't read any of the replies but what screamed out at me from your post is that they either don't like your partner or they are trying to get you away from him or they don't take your relationship seriously.

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 21:22

Bigwheel: the love him, think he's perfect for me and is far better than the other lowlifes boyfriends I had previously introduced them to.

To everyone else: thanks for your support.

OP posts:

happyhopefulmummy · 22/06/2012 21:23

It sounds like the kind of things my patents would have said to me in your situation with a partner who I was compromising my future for (how they see it, not me)

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 21:23

they. Should have also put - that's why I don't understand it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 21:25

Happy: I think that may be their view - however, it makes no sense as my chances of getting a graduate job are much better here than back home. I graduate job searched entry level jobs near home.....zilch.

OP posts:

Noqontrol · 22/06/2012 21:29

Maybe they are worried that you are putting things on hold because you want to stay and move in with your fiancé. And maybe they're slightly disappointed that you're not moving back closer to home. Completely understandable from their point of view, but as long as you're doing things for the right reasons then you're not being unreasonable.

DontmindifIdo · 22/06/2012 21:32

A lot of parents assume you will go away to uni then move back close to 'home' to build your adult life. The idea that you won't might strike them as odd as they assumed you'd live, if not round the corner, then at least within say a 30 minute drive of their house. Did both their parents live within an hour's drive?

This is the first point in you building a life completely different to theirs. You are staying put, looking to build a career in an industry they don't understand in a different town, and are already making it clear you'll be staying in that town, or at least close to it. So grandchildren will live in that town, and grandchildren will see them occasionally. You will not always be able to travel to see them frequently, you won't be able to 'pop in'. You are not growing up in a way that means they can share your adult life easily.

This doesn't mean you should change your plans, but I can see why they'd try to push you into plans that would keep you close.

Stick to your plans, making sure you don't fall in the trap of insulting your home town and the choices they made.

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 21:36

Dont mind : again that would be reasonable if they hadn't lived together hundreds of miles from their parent when my dad did his post-grad and brought us up even further away from any relatives. For our extended family the premise of 'moving back home' after uni is unusual.

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 22/06/2012 21:37

I graduated in 2010 with a 2:1 from a RG university, with a science degree. I am currently working the next six months unpaid in an attempt to get a foothold in an actual profession rather than getting paid in a low-level admin role. My parents were quite like your's initially, but after a few months of watching me become increasingly depressed after being made redundant and not getting anything, they caught themselves on. And I'm in a capital city!

Graduate schemes are few and far between now, and they are so competitive. Stick to your plan, sounds like you have your head screwed on

CloudC · 22/06/2012 21:41

It is a bit much of them to say they're "disappointed that you don't have a job", when you are both working hard, and actively pursuing leads in your chosen industry.

I read your OP a bit like, "I'm not applying to jobs this time round because i'm moving house, going on hols, and something might come up anyway..." and thaey didn't sound like good reasons not to go all out searching for your dream job. I was misreading the post a bit, and your parents do sound like they are being a bit unfair, though well intentioned. It sounds like you've given a lot of thought to your career progression, have you tried explaining to them what your plan is? Or do you just feel it's none of their business? (Which I suppose is fair enough)

Original poster

SiSiTD · 22/06/2012 21:43

Cloud: It's the former - it's like they don't think I'm capable of making an informed decision.

OP posts:

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