to tell DS to not have kids the way I had him?

[kiridek]

I had DS at 19 with a much older man who was not a nice person. He's an okay father now but things were very very hard for the early years of DS's life. He is the love of my life and I adore him and he me of course. I'd never undo him but I wish I'd done it differently (though any other way and he wouldn't be him but ykwim).

Am now settled with DH and DD. DS is 12 and thinking about all this stuff as his father has had a baby with his wife. DS really likes little kids and often says he can't wait to be a dad.

Last time he said that I said that it was much easier to be a parent in a settled relationship and I hoped that he would wait until he was established in life before thinking about having a family. He said "you had me young though" and I said "that's how I know how hard it is and that it's so much easier to have a child with a partner so you can parent together".

DH thinks I am U and will give DS a complex about him not being wanted or ruining my life or whatever. WDYT?

I think we all try to teach our kids not to make the mistakes we made but sadly 99% of the time they wont take much notice

Your ds will make mistakes like we all do and will learn from them, all you can do is try your best to guide him in the right direction.

What was a mistake for you might not be a mistake for him. I say this from personal experience.

I don't want him thinking HE was the mistake. It's hard to untangle the two because I would never take him back or not have had him BUT it was very hard and in many ways still is and I don't want him rushing to be a dad.

YANBU, as parents we instal our beliefs and morals on children all the time.

You are guiding your DS, nothing wrong with that. If he chooses to ignore the guidance and advice thats down to him.

My mum was unmarried when she had me, lost her job as a result (she was in the army at the time), went back to live with her parents after a stint in a home for unmarried mothers. Knowing that she didn't want the same for me did not give me a complex. And I know for sure that while it might not have felt like it at the time, having me turned out to be pretty fab for her in the end, and I have certainly not ruined her life! I'm sure your DS will feel the same.

YANBU to try and explain the things you did that you think are best avoided. Not sure it will work though! To avoid the implication that he is the mistake, you might concentrate on how little his father was able to be a father to him because it wasn't a settled relationship, rather than how hard it was for you (assuming this to be the case).

My mother said to me when I became pregnant at 18 that she wished she hadn't given up her life to have me so young for me then to become a young mother. It broke my heart.

It's totally understandable imo.

Why say that to him? It sounds like you regret having him, which I am sure you don't.

Because I think he has a rose-tinted idea of what being a parent is like and (probably because of his start in life), is really keen to start his 'own' family asap. And I know first-hand it's so much easier to be a parent when you're financially stable and you have a partner. I don't regret him but I want him to know it's hard to be a parent at any age and harder when you are young/unqualified/etc.

DH thinks it's unfair and horrible etc though. I can kinda see his point but equally I think DS is old enough to understand the difference.

I don't think it sounds like you regret having him, just that it has given you a certain perspective on having children.

A very young man getting a girl pregnant won't necessarily get much of a chance to be any kind of Dad. As he gets older, that's something he needs to know.

He's only 12 though!! And whether or not he becomes a dad is going to be more up to his future girlfriend than him, I would think.

Have a gentle chat by all means, but nothing you say to a 12-year-old is going to have that much impact on his life anyway.

I really disagree clink - his attitudes now will inform his attitudes in the future, and LOADS of teenage girls who might want an early 'happy family' would be swayed by their boyfriend saying they want kids!