I think I might be BU but need confirmation...

[cherrypez]

ExP left a month ago. I have been perfectly reasonable up to now wrt access to our two boys. However, he has been saying things to 4 year old DS which have unsettled him, like when DS asks him why he doesn't live with us anymore he has told him it's because I won't let him live here. Evil. He was also violent to me in front of the children, to the point where DS 4 announced to nursery workers that Daddy had hit Mummy. So... would it be unreasonable to stop him from seeing the boys at least for a while, to give us all a chance to think about next steps etc?

So as not to drip feed, he left us for somebody else, so a teensy part of me wants to hurt him, but my reasons are foremost to protect the boys from the vile crap which he is feeding them (verbally not literally!). Oh and he refuses to pay maintenance. AIBU?

I think it's time for the visits to be at a contact centre. I understand it must be very hurtful so I think yabu but you know that already.

YADNBU,but I'm of the belief that men who have been violent to their partners have no right to see their children. I believe that they've also abused their children by harming their mother in front of them,and even if the children haven't directly witnessed it they've created an atmosphere of violence which the children have to live in. And that such men are unstable and not to be trusted.

Did I kill the thread?

Personally I'd be seeing a solicitor to prevent him from seeing the children at all. This man has no right to call himself a father.He's donated some DNA and that's about all he's done for the OP's boys it seems,unless abusing their mother,creating an atmosphere of violence,turning the children against their mother by telling them lies,and not paying a penny for their care and needs counts as being a good father.
I don't believe it'd be in the interests of the children to see him,quite the opposite.

YADNBU!...poison is poison and always best avoided
You could try to appeal to his better side and discuss his attitude but it's maybe unlikely to fall on good ears and make any difference
Contact your local children and families department and discuss mediation service so you can hopefully reach some agreements, etc
Also, you should give him the option of a mutual maintenance arrangement in writing and witnessed paperwork with a solicitor or you will go through CSA and they will do it that way...his choice on that one
Have you seen a solicitor?...they can take care of these things too.
Investigate legal Parental Rights and Responsibilities with a solicitor too...it could be helpful for both parties.
Put your feelings towards him aside and only deal with what is best for your children, now and in the future and don't ever be the reason your children don't see him....what could you tell them in the future and not admit that this is wrong...it could cause alot of harm to your relationships with them.

Good luck and keep to the right side x

You're not being entirely unreasonable. It does sound as if unsupervised access might not be in the boys best interests right now, if he is choosing to use the visits as a way to strike out at you. Via a contact centre might be the best resolution. All you can do is tell your boy that daddy was not being truthful; he wanted to live with somebody else rather than mummy now, and and moved there. It's not his (your son's) fault, it's not mummy's fault, it's daddy's choice.

Child maintenance is a completely separate issue, take it to the CSA. I know it doesn't feel separate (why do you care to see them when you don't care to feed and clothe them?), but it really is. Combining the two issues just gives him another stick to beat you with.

Thanks for the replies...a family member is a solicitor and it wasn't until she told me I was within my rights to withold access that I realised there is a reason violent men are stopped from having contact. May be a dripfeed but my 14 year old had to remove her 4 and 2 year old brothers from the room sobbing the day he left because he was flinging me around the room. I have to cuddle DS2 to sleep every night as he is worried I will leave too :( it all seems such a minefield...they adore their dad no matter what he's done. Oh and I grew up without a dad so I never thought I would consider this as an option.

Poor you :(

In such cases the interests of the child/ren are paramount and, unless a parent has been violent to their dc or otherwise presents a proven risk to their safety, the Courts will most probably take the view that it is in the best interests of the dc to see their absent parent on a regular basis.

If you suspend or withhold contact it may cause your exP to seek a contact or residency order the the Courts and it may be that he will gain greater access to your dc than you would want him to have.

May I suggest you report your post and ask mumsnet to transfer it to the Relationships board where others with similar experiences can offer support and advice?

In respect of maintenance, contact the CSA.

to seek a contact or residency order the the Courts should read 'to seek a contact or residency order in the Courts'

All the more reason to get external agencies involved cherrypez. Their involvement will help to insulate you and your children from this crap. Do go down the official/formal route. The welfare of your boys will be best-served this way.

He is vile.

In situations like these women always feel that they will be accused to "Using his children as weapons" etc but it's nonsense, IMO when a man lets his children openly witness him abusing their mother he has caused trauma and abused them as a result.

The fact that he is telling you son lies just shows that he is still trying to hurt you and is happy to use your son as a "weapon" to do so. How awful for that poor little boy that his father doesn't want to protect him from more hurt and confusion.

Now the problem is you say the kids adore him so perhaps cutting off all contact isn't the best idea given what they have already been through. Have you thought about supervised contact for now, Perhaps in a family members home?

I also suggest you and your children get some counseling as a group and separately.

He is living with his mum and dad atm (who are lovely) but has still managed to fill their little heads with nonsense. He is a very cowardly person, and will never admit to any fault so I should have predicted it really!

Can you record pick up times on your phone ? Write down every event - comments your sons make, etc . This will help prove that these events are happening, and the occurrence of which they do happen. Definatly contact centre is the way to go - not only can he not keep doing this to you, but it will also affect your children.