To think that I can start again?

[mumineedawee]

I've been under alot of relationship and work pressure for the past year. Its resulted in me taking alot of shortcuts at home discipline wise.

I know I need help, and eventhough I have spoilt the children by letting them dictate bedtimes (really not settling down at all), etc., I think that its not impossible to get our lives back on track.

My sister reckons its never going to happen, and that the children have so much control, that I will not be able to assert myself to the point whereby they will do what they are told.

They are really good children at school, I never get complaints, and don't misbehave at home in any way other than not going to bed at a reasonable hour.

I am so tired at the end of every day and really struggle to keep calm. Its just been easier to let them settle down at their own pace, but now bedtimes have gotten to the point of it being 11pm some nights.

I am ashamed at how this is has crept up on me (and them). I feel its long past the excuse of how awful it was before we split up, and all that goes with relationship breakdown. Now its my fault and my responsibility. But I need help.

I think I can start again with them, disregard my dsis' not so helpful comments. Any suggestions?

Or am I deluding myself and stand no chance of getting them under control?

Of course you can regain control. It might take some time to get everyone into a new routine but you can definitely do it! How old are your kids? Is your dsis normally this unhelpful with her advice?

How old are they? I think it is not impossible to re assert your authority, but how you do it very much depends on their age. FWIW I am a LP and can be a bit of a pushover, but I do still make my lot go to bed etc when required and they grudgingly oblige until i go downstairs and shut the door

Of course you can begin a new routine!

My advice is talk to them. Even if they are older they must be tired at school. Tiredness is linked with poor ed attainment in all the research, it has such a big impact on memory, concentration, effort...

With mine I make it very booooring after bedtime - no computers, games, music. And I insist they are in bed, if they want to read it has to be by bedside lamp. Unless the book is really good they'll soon be asleep! Persist and be consistent, they'll soon adapt.

12 years down to 3 years.

I am a total pushover.

Where do I start?

I feel such a wimp.

It depends on how old they are.. if late bedtimes is the only issue, and they are doing ok at school, not tired, and happy, then I dont really see a problem anyway.

I would sit donw and talk to the 12 yr old, explain why it is important that they go to bed and then agree what time etc. I routinely take away all IT and sometimes turn of fthe router to make sure they stop txting and go to bed.

Staggered bedtimes according to age might help you get control of the young ones. Staying up is an earned plus for then older children, but I would go for a 10pm curfew although it rarely works here

Course you can ... Just sneak it forward by a few minutes a night until you get to a sensible hour. That said, DS1 has never been able to settle until God-awful-o'clock so I'm not really one to give advice!

DS2's always out like a light though, so maybe it's Nature and not Nurture ...

Maybe start by working out what your ideal evening routine would look like? So, what time should 3 yr old be in bed, right up to bedtime (not necessarily 'lights out') for your oldest. Can the older ones help get the younger ones ready for bed/read a bedtime story? Definitely talk to the older ones about educational attainment being linked to getting enough sleep - there is LOADS of research on this. Supernanny herself did a bit on one of her programmes (extreme parental guidanc)e??) about it and the difference between tired children and well-rested children was really shocking.

Of course you can regain control. Have set bedtimes, IE 3 year old 7.30, up till the 12 year old at 8 ( that will be the times for my 2. One is 1 and goes to bed at 7, the other is 7 and goes to bed at 8. Once the eldest is 10, bedtime will be 8.30, then when he is 12, 9pm until maybe 14/15 when it may change to 9.30) figure out the times you are happy with. If you decide they can read whilst in bed, send them 15 minutes before. And also, if you don't already do, give them some responsibility. My 8 year old has a reward chart, with every good thing he does (make his bed, no back chat/use of manners, homework, tidy room, help me put his clean clothes away, put dirty clothes in basket etc) he gets 5p which adds up, and then he gets to spend it on what he likes. Roughly adds up to about 80p/£1 a day depending on how well behaved he is.

Honestly? I used to be guilty of letting him get away with murder. He has always had a set bedtime routine, but I have let him down in other areas. I realised I wasn't doing him any favours, and when I heard how well mannered, and what a lovely bright boy he is who does as he is told, cleans up after himself etc in school, it made me think why he felt that it was ok to not be polite at home. Since introducing this chart, after the first 5 minutes, he has been exactly what the teacher said he has been like at school.

I was just always too afraid of being too strict, that I went the complete opposite. I was always afraid of my Mother, and felt that she snatched away my childhood, that I was too afraid to be strict in fear that DS would feel the same. My god, how I got it so wrong.

But I am proof that things can, and do change so write out a plan, and stick to it. It will benefit you all.