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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL and his birthday!

29 replies

PandaNot · 21/06/2012 15:46

Hi all, my first foray into AIBU but I'm quite prepared to be told I am! I don't know whether I am or not which is why I'm asking for the collective wisdom of MN.

My FIL turns 65 in September and decided yesterday that to celebrate he would like to take his family i.e. FIL, MIL, BIL and us, away for the weekend to a posh hotel - about 2 hours from where we live. DH conveyed all this to me very excitedly last night and said that he'd said we would all love to go.

All good so far, except that our Saturdays are taken up with dancing lessons for both DC. Usually I wouldn't have a problem with them missing one week. My problem with it is (I will get to my point eventually!) that DS has been accepted as a junior associate for a ballet school and they made it quite clear that they expect them to attend every lesson and that commitment is required. I agree with this and this would be only the second lesson in the term he would be missing. DH has been a competitive sportsperson for a number of years now (international level) and I would have thought would understand the need for commitment - he's told me all about his commitments for many years now and we haven't had a proper family holiday ever because of them.

So anyway I told DH that I didn't think DS should miss his associates lesson and that if FIL was so keen to have his family join him for a birthday weekend then he perhaps should have asked when we could make it. DH - not happy at all. Sulking, bad mood this morning etc.

So AIBU to say (politely) that we can't make it that weekend because of other long-term commitments? DH thinks so.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 21/06/2012 15:49

Can you not head over after DS's lesson?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 15:51

YABU - one week of wont kill them and what a lovely weekend!! I am sure if you were to contact the ballet school and explain they will be fine......of course they want committment but sometimes these things are unavoidable. What a shame for your FIL for you to not go because your DS has a dance lesson.

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2012 15:53

Explain to the school, I'm sure they'll understand.

If not, stay home with your DS and let your DH go and celebrate with his Dad.

thevenerablebidet · 21/06/2012 15:53

Why don't your DH and other DC go for both nights, and you and DS head over after his lesson? Or you could explain to the school and see if he could arrange to make up the work another time, if at all possible?

Paiviaso · 21/06/2012 15:54

Well you have few options:

You ask FIL to move the hotel celebrations two weeks forward. There isn't that many of you going, its still months away and he hasn't booked yet I assume, so its not unreasonable to ask.
Your DH goes with your other child, you stay with DS and go to lessons. Is the lesson both days? If not perhaps you two can go up the free day. I know its a long drive, but I've driven 2 hours to Oxford and back again just this morning (to pick something up for work) so its doable for a special day's outing.

I would agree DS should skip the lesson if he promised to commit, and it is only the second lesson!

Paiviaso · 21/06/2012 15:55

DS shouldn't skip the lesson, I meant to write!

Original poster

PandaNot · 21/06/2012 15:56

I had thought about us only going for one night but it seemed a bit far? I also suggested DH and DD went without us but that didn't suit either. I know one week off wouldn't kill him but I can't imagine they'd be too impressed if he was only there one week before having a week off. I think it was just bad timing.

OP posts:

dondon33 · 21/06/2012 15:56

YANBU- if your DH see's the point of commitment and sacrifices family hols for himself then why won't he see the same reasoning about DS
However, it is a big family occasion and does seem a shame to miss
I would either go after DS class or call them saying he's sick on the morning, so he can't attend.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 15:57

Well why dont you just give them a call and then you can guage whether is it ok to miss the lesson or not.

Frikadellen · 21/06/2012 15:57

Why don't you phone the company up explain the situation and ask if it will be understood that this is a one off occasion.

your FIL can hardly do his birthday after when your children have time to go.

Otherwise go after but I also think it is important to show your children about family commitment.

Xales · 21/06/2012 15:58

So you H can have you and your DC dance around his commitments for years while he does what he wants/needs. Not having family holidays etc because his commitments are more important than family time. However...

as soon as he has to miss something because someone else has commitments he sulks and is in a bad mood.

Does your DS want to do the ballet and know the commitment and want to commit?? If so you have a prior commitment and so can't go as you have said that day.

Your H can sulk and be in a bad mood as much as he likes.

He sounds very selfish and the family is all about 'me' to him.

Gentleness · 21/06/2012 15:58

Memories are made at weekends like that. Sorry - don't usually come over all sentimental like that.

I know what you mean about the commitment, and though it wouldn't be a problem in my mind to miss it, only your family can choose how to play family vs. sport/arts.

Just realised, I am writing all that in the context of living hours and hours drive away from all my family (and dh's) - so for us, getting together would be a big thing. Might be different if you see them every week anyway.

AgentProvocateur · 21/06/2012 16:00

Two hours travel for a lovely night with your family is nothing. Some people's daily commute is longer than that!

Original poster

PandaNot · 21/06/2012 16:01

Thank you Xales I think you've summed up why I'm annoyed about it actually. It isn't anything to do with the weekend, it's the expectation that we will drop things we've committed to when he wants us to. Yes, DS wants to do the class, he's really looking forward to them. I would have no problem with him missing his regular class but this associates thing is a 'big deal' apparently ( disclaimer I know nothing about dance!)

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 16:03

So Panda - if it was your parents that were planning a lovely family weekend would you still not go because of DS's dance lesson? You are going to be committed for a long long time with the dance so obviously things are going to come up in the meantime - its unrealistic to expect to never have a family weekend again surely.

Xales · 21/06/2012 16:06

I think as Panda has given up family holidays for years for her H's commitments it is hardly fair to be turning this on her asking it it were her parents planning it.

Paiviaso · 21/06/2012 16:06

But Betty the DS would be missing the second lesson, as he will have just started at the company. Doesn't make a very good first impression!

I would imagine it would be more acceptable down the line, when DS is in the swing of things and has shown he works hard.

edwinbear · 21/06/2012 16:07

I don't think 2 hrs is too far for one night, I live in SE London and my sister in NW London, it can take me 1.5hrs to drive over there just for an afternoon visit....and then another 1.5 hrs back again.

ShatnersBassoon · 21/06/2012 16:08

The dance school know people take holidays. Every single pupil will miss a few lessons each year. Do you really think the school will give a toss about a child going on holiday with his family and hold it against him forever or see it as a lack of commitment?

Original poster

PandaNot · 21/06/2012 16:12

My family understand that the DC have commitments on a weekend and arrange things for the holidays or weekends when there are no classes. DS turns down party invitations and other nice stuff because of lessons, gym competitions etc. He knew when he accepted the extra associates thing that it would mean more 'missing things'.

I'll suggest again that we come down just for one night I think.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 21/06/2012 16:12

The main commitment will be ds attitude when he IS at the lessons. I think you should miss it, celebrating FIL birthday is more important BUT if it could be moved then I think it should.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 16:12

No it doesnt make a good first impression which is why I suggested calling the ballet school and speaking to them about it.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 21/06/2012 16:14

I'm with Xales.
And the thing with ballet is it does tend to be incredibly competitive and require complete dedication and committment knows this cos has watched documentaries and read Lorna Hill
Just go to the get together after his lesson panda - it's not that far and it shows you are willing to make an effort to compromise and keeps the peace, and next time your DH expects the whole family to rearrange/drop everything for his commitments, you'll have the "upper hand"

Jenny70 · 21/06/2012 16:15

So if it was 2 weeks earlier missing the class wouldn't be an issue? is that worth floating as an idea?

Can you & DS get train to near the destination (nearest big train stop), so you only need one car for the return trip?

I think given that this is an important family event you should try to go. I also think your son should be committed to his lessons - I think going after would be the best option, shows willing from both sides.

Or send DC with other relatives (if your DH doesn't want to drive alone with them) and meet them afterwards when DS is finished - be all packed ready to drive the moment he leaves the class.

Any chance of staying the sunday night and doing an early commute back for school etc on Monday?

Original poster

PandaNot · 21/06/2012 16:15

Thank you all for your suggestions, nice to discuss things with reasonable people who actually listen and weigh things up rather than fly off the handle and sulk as happened last night!

OP posts:

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