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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to spend Christmas Day with my Dad

50 replies

veeeee · 21/06/2012 15:25

This requires a bit of background information so here goes. My dad was a terrible father. He never lived with us for longer than 6 months at a time, would often disappear for a year or so and then turn up and live with us again. When he was living with us he quite often would get up one morning and tell my mum he didn't want us there anymore and so we would pack up and go and live with my nan and grandad for anywhere between a few days to months. My mum has plenty of issues of her own and so I view my nan and grandad (grandad died 7 years ago) as my parents.

My dad was never interested in Christmas with us when we were children. We would go to Nan and Grandads (we don't know my dads family at all because he never wanted us to) and actually bring him home a plate of dinner for him to microwave because he didn't like all the "family togetherness" stuff.

Anyway, fast forward to now. My sister and I are both in our 30s, both of us had a baby last year.

My dad lives with my 4 year old brother, he has custody of him because his mother is an alcoholic. My brother is undisciplined and is unpleasant to be around. My dad has only 1 topic of conversation; my brother. He thinks he is an expert in parenting now and is very patronising to my sister and I. When he visits he will say "look what brother can do now", "oh look, brother is doing this", "brother, why don't you tell everyone what you did today", "brother do you remember when you went to Asda, tell everyone about it" etc etc. Or we here what ailments brother has had, or that he is allowed out to play with 11 yr olds until 10 in the evening.

Now we get to Christmas day. My husbands parents are also divorced. This means we have to do 4 Christmas Days at somepoint during that week between Christmas and New Year's. We usually alternate my lot/his lot but this has to be somewhat flexible because it depends when the others in the family and make it.

My dad has this year decided that he wants my sister and I to spend Christmas Day at his. We don't want to. When we spend Christmas Day with my mum, for example, we also see my cousins, aunts and uncles etc and this is the same for when we see my husbands parents. With my dad, because he doesn't see his family, it will just be him and my brother.

My sister and I love Christmas Day and don't want it ruined by having to go to his. We have said that we will go there for the morning and have a nice brunch but he says this isn't good enough and that it's unfair because we have spent the day with the other parts of our family and that it's his turn. Am I unreasonable for not wanting to go? If not, what do I do? My sister and I have discussed all sorts of reasons we could tell him but actually I'm thinking I just tell him outright that I don't want to do it.

Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:

Original poster

veeeee · 21/06/2012 16:48

And how do I deal with his tantrum?

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 21/06/2012 16:57

"He says we have to stop dwelling on the past which is an infuriatingly true statement!"

No it's not!

It's self-serving bollocks from a man who doesn't deserve to call himself your father.

Just tell him to piss off.

AThingInYourLife · 21/06/2012 17:00

Don't deal with his tantrum.

Tell him fuck off if he starts carrying on.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/06/2012 17:02

You deal with his tantrum by ignoring him.

You don't live with him. It's his problem if he decides to throw a hissy fit.

GateGipsy · 21/06/2012 17:04

How do you deal with his tantrum? You don't. He's the parent for goodness sake. What kind of grown man has a tantrum? A selfish, manipulative one.

How will he have the tantrum? Will he yell at you down the phone? My friend has a good response to that. She puts the handset down and walks away. Every. Time.

Will he come around to your house and have the tantrum? Tell him to leave.

At his house? Then don't go there.

As you had a baby last year you'll be getting used to tantrums now. Treat them the same way you would a toddler. Talk slowly, calmly, don't shout - make him have to listen to you if he wants to hear what you are saying.

lilyliz · 21/06/2012 17:22

don't give in to him,he is likely trying to get you there for the childs sake and there is plenty he can do with him himself rather than have you all round as entertainment for him.If he throws a tantrum tough titty.

StuntGirl · 21/06/2012 17:28

Just tell him no. If he asks why tell him simply and calmly. Then refuse to let him engage you on the subject. He sounds vile and I wouldn't want to spend even a minute with him, let alone Christmas day.

helenthemadex · 21/06/2012 17:37

I think you are giving him more than he deserves by going to his christmas morning.

It is hard to say no to a parent but why should you and your sister ruin your christmas day by spending it with someone who doesn't deserve it. If you cant tell him face to face or on the phone why not write to him being very clear and saying that this is your decision and you will not change your find or be emotionally blackmailed.

You need to sort this out now or you will face this every year

good luck

helenthemadex · 21/06/2012 17:41

if he does throw a tantrum stay calm and say this is why I dont want to spend such a special day with you

ENormaSnob · 21/06/2012 17:48

He sounds awful.

He was, is and always will be a shitty parent. You reap what you sow IMO.

Dawndonna · 21/06/2012 18:01

If he has a tantrum you walk away. You do not answer the phone for a couple of days. When you do, you warn him first that if you consider him to be unreasonable, you will disconnect the call. That's all. If you won't put up with it from your child, then you don't put up with it from your parent.

mantlepiece · 21/06/2012 18:06

Yes he sounds awful, and I agree with Helen, why would you want to spend even a part of Christmas Day with him?

It's not even about the past, as you obviously still have contact with him, goodness knows why. He is a problem in your life NOW!

You and your sister deserve to have a lovely day with people you love around you... and people who want to bring something positive and loving into your lives.

Your Dad will not change, that is the thing you need to get straight in your mind, you need to change your reaction to his demands and tantrums. I am sure there are people in your real life that will give you permission to say no to him, and MN gives you permission too!

Don't feel sorry for him or guilty or any other negative emotions, he is certainly not thinking about you or your loving family.

You ask how to deal with his tantrums, learn to detach from him it's the only way.

DontmindifIdo · 21/06/2012 18:32

"no, we have already have other plans for Christmas day." If he gets stroppy, walk away/hang up. You don't need to ever talk to him again if you don't want to.

Greatauntirene · 21/06/2012 18:41

Don't go for brunch because you KNOW what is going to happen - he will twist all your guilt buttons, make a scene when it's time to go, spoil your Christmas.

So do not go

You need to sit down and decide what to say to him. This is the time you really need to stand up to him or every christmas for the next 20 years will be spoiled by him and remember it will be your DC's Christmas which will be messed up too, ok he is little just now but soon he'll know what is what and all this traipsing about is not the best Christmas for him.

Have Christmas where you want , even just have it at home with only your DS. You can spend Xmas anywhere don't be bullied.

And little brother sounds dire, do not be guilted into trying to make his life better, he is probably not saveable with you horrible Dad for a father, you have your own family to look after now.

You could just be honest with DF - repeat what you told us here about your childhood and say you don't feel any obligation to him because of his behaviour. End of.

squeakytoy · 21/06/2012 18:46

the saddest thing about this thread is a 4year old boy stuck in the middle of all this - I can understand OP not wanting to see her Dad, but this little boy is her brother, he is four for gods sakes...

My brother is undisciplined and is unpleasant to be around

squeakytoy · 21/06/2012 18:49

Try telling him he is a rubbish parent and your half brother is a brat and you do not want to spend your Christmas day with such unpleasant people

And little brother sounds dire, do not be guilted into trying to make his life better, he is probably not saveable with you horrible Dad for a father, you have your own family to look after now

:( I thought this was meant to be a site where people actually cared about kids.. and the child cant help being the way he is if his father is so unpleasant.

DublinMammy · 21/06/2012 18:50

YANBU. Phrase it as per Damsel's first post (fabulous!) and disengage, especially from any tantrums. He sounds like a selfish bollocks.

OhNoMyFanjo · 21/06/2012 18:52

Well, normally yes you should be able to stop dwelling in the past, but he is carrying on with his selfish ways and demanding everyone falls in with what he wants.

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2012 18:59

I wouldn't go. No way. I wouldn't want to see him at all, never mind on Christmas Day. And you should tell him why, too.

If you go for brunch, he will spoil the whole day. He's utterly selfish and will hate to see you go off and have a lovely afternoon.

Is there any way you can see your brother away from your dad's house? He's still young enough to change, but if the only influence he has is his dad, then there's a risk he'll grow up like him.

Original poster

veeeee · 21/06/2012 22:42

I do feel sorry for my brother which is why I suffer seeing my dad fairly regularly. But I don't want to be his substitute mother.

Thankyou all for your views, I do feel guilty but I'm glad that you have all agreed at least that I shouldn't be there on Christmas Day if I don't want to.

OP posts:

throwinshapes · 21/06/2012 23:00

What squeaky says.
Makes me for the little man.
He's 4 FFS.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/06/2012 23:29

"Am I unreasonable for not wanting to go?"
Not in the slightest.

" If not, what do I do? My sister and I have discussed all sorts of reasons we could tell him but actually I'm thinking I just tell him outright that I don't want to do it."
That is exactly what you should do.

"He says we have to stop dwelling on the past which is an infuriatingly true statement!"
Respond that your not wanting to see him at Christmas is not about the past, you don't like him right now, in the present.

"And how do I deal with his tantrum?"
The same way you deal with any tantrum - by holding firm against it. He's probably a bit big to put on the naughty step, so remove yourself from him. Either leave or hang up on him.

You owe this arse absolutely nothing. He was a shit dad then and he's a shit dad now. And just because you feel sorry for your brother, do NOT be manipulated by that. He is really not your responsibility. (and you might want to tell your dad that he's doing a shit job of raising him.)

sawseesaw · 21/06/2012 23:47

But it is June and quite apart from everything else he's being v v v unreasonable in expecting you to commit to something so far in advance. Just say no. If you can't do that tell him it's June ffs and he needs to get out more and ur not ready to plan Christmas quite yet .

Inertia · 22/06/2012 08:25

Don't go. He is still being manipulative and controlling, you don't have to put up with it. Do you have children ? If so don't spoil their Christmas by forcing them to spend it with him.

JosieZ · 22/06/2012 08:41

It's sad your brother is being spoiled by your DF but there will be many opportunities in the future when DB is old enough to pop round to see you or even stay over when you might choose to see him well away from DF. Imo it just wouldn't get you anywhere trying to interfere just now with your father as he is. Just cause stress and arguments dealing with your DF again.

I am old enough now to know that constantly putting yourself out for family just because they are family, and you feel duty bound, is just not worth it. They take advantage all the more ime. Probably better to make a stand now then you are in a position to negotiate in future years.

Also spoiled brats can turn into nice normal people in time, your DB is not your responsibility.

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