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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not what my father to be involved with my ds

50 replies

loveroflife · 21/06/2012 11:59

I'm sure this has been done before, but the situation is as follows:

My father is a pretty toxic man, just difficult and negative and other things that I don't have the time or the inclination to go into...

He has married an equally toxic woman 3 years ago and they live 6 hours away from us (ds aged 2). We had a big fall out about a year ago and haven't spoken since.

He now has contacted saying 'he has rights and wants to see his grandchild',

If I am being utterly truthful I don't want him anywhere near us as I have had a year of stress free happiness BUT I also understand that he is grandfather.

That said I will never take my son to where he lives with his wife as it is a god awful stressful atmosphere and would never ever send him up to stay with him so the deal would be he would need to come here (alone) to see him. He may do this the first couple of times but then I'm sure he would be sick of travelling all that way for a couple of hours etc and start making demands.

My concerns are I don't know what it would lead to long term - ie he is demanding and would want ds to come up and see him. He is also the type of man that would persuade ds to go against mine and his father's wishes for his benefit.

Does anyone have similar stories or advice? I feel that is wrong to cut off all contact with him but a lifetime of stress, demands, arguments and hassle fills me with utter dread.....

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
dittany · 21/06/2012 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarice · 21/06/2012 12:04

A lifetime of stress, demands,arguments and hassle fills me with utter dread. You've summed it all up yourself, I would tell him to bugger off and don't inflict him on your child.

GrahamTribe · 21/06/2012 12:04

He has no rights. You and your son, on the other hand, have a right to as stress-free, happy a life as possible. That your father is likey to try to undermine you and your DH/DP is imho reason enough to stop all contact before it starts.

confusedgypsychick · 21/06/2012 12:09

In case you're feeling worried about your child missing out on the "grandfather" experience.

Your father sounds like my maternal grandfather, and I never met him, was never allowed to see him, my mother never wanted anything to do with him, and he ended up dying when I was in my teens without me ever having met him.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything. From the stories everyone told me it was good riddance to bad rubbish.

So do what you feel you need to.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 21/06/2012 12:11

Would it really be wrong to cut off all contact? What would your child lose out on exactly?

Ignore the fact he is your father - if this man was a family friend, would you let him spend time with our son?

He won't change into a nice man, no matter what you do.

Think whether this is someone you should help facilitate spending time with your child, or whether he is someone to protect your child from.

monkeymoma · 21/06/2012 12:11

a good grandfather is better than no grandfather, but no grandfather is better than a bad grandfather

tigrou · 21/06/2012 12:13

We have a similar situation, but with our kids' great-grandfather. He thinks he is entitled to see them. DH's parents also think we should let them know one another (they don't know all the details behind our decision) and talk about 'rights'. We don't agree. In our view, we are protecting our children by keeping them away from this man. We ignore all comments. YANBU to keep your son away from what you consider toxic environments. You are doing your best for your child.

veritythebrave · 21/06/2012 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 21/06/2012 12:13

Your son has a right not to have this man inflicted on him.

Tell your Dad to fuck off.

monkeymoma · 21/06/2012 12:14

and BTW AFAIK the talk in the press about 'grandparent rights' is in relation to children in care whose parents cannot look after them.. it doesn't apply to your situation

MrsHelsBels74 · 21/06/2012 12:16

I'd tell your dad that when he has learnt to be a decent human being he can see your child, until then not a chance.

But then it's easy to say this when you're not directly involved.

NarkedRaspberry · 21/06/2012 12:18

He has no rights - he has no relationship with your DS who I'm guessing wouldn't even recognise him.

Is your DS happy? Loved? Surrounded by people who love him? Does he have a pressing need for a 'toxic, negative, difficult' man in his life?

Original poster
loveroflife · 21/06/2012 12:19

Thanks everyone...

I think this is going to be a difficult one either way. I know he will fight to see him if I say no - just send abusive messages etc and I'm willing to put up with that as long as he gives up in the end, but when we has a bee in his bonnet god knows how long it will go on........

He also loves to throw the 'XX can't make up his own mind yet, so you are making it up for him'

The fact that I have had nothing but worry and stress since he got in contact again really does speak volumes though, but I'm a little scared of saying a firm 'NO' as worried what he will do (nothing bad may I add, just make things as difficult and unpleasant as possible)

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 21/06/2012 12:19

And - and this bit is important too - does your DS have a need to see his mother upset, insulted etc?

monkeymoma · 21/06/2012 12:20

"But then it's easy to say this when you're not directly involved"

actually its very easy to DO. We've done it, sadly DSs good grandfather died before he was born, its very sad and we miss him having THAT relationship. His living grandfather is toxic and would be no substitute whatsoever for the good 'un, DS is better having no grandfather than a horrible one!

Just be clear and assertive and don't get drawn into any manipulating converstations. We said "we don't want to see you because seeing you makes us miserable" and repeated, then hung up! that was it!

Its far easier to do that then to put up with a toxic git!

Original poster
loveroflife · 21/06/2012 12:21

Tell your Dad to fuck off. the smileys list won't show up in the text when I click on it

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 21/06/2012 12:22

^ Does that sound like someone your DS needs in his life? Someone that bullies and sends abusive texts to his daughter?

Collect and record his contact. Jot down times, dates and content of calls and keep any texts. If this carries on, go to a solicitor and get a cease and desist letter.

monkeymoma · 21/06/2012 12:23

"I know he will fight to see him if I say no - just send abusive messages etc and I'm willing to put up with that as long as he gives up in the end, but when we has a bee in his bonnet god knows how long it will go on........"

just don't engage! after the first message reply saying that you will not be opening any more of his messages and they will instead be deleated un-read - then do exactly that!

you can't reason with him so don't try, don't argue your case, just state that you're done and as of now you wont be reading or replying! - it really is that easy! its so easy you will KICK yourself that it took you this long!

sugarice · 21/06/2012 12:23

You are his Mother so of course you make his mind up for him. Don't let him abuse you, delete his number on your phone and ignore. If he's doing this now imagine the effect he will have on your family life once he get's his foot back in the door. Easier said than done but think long term about having him back in your and your ds's life.

NarkedRaspberry · 21/06/2012 12:23

And you can block numbers on most phones.

Original poster
loveroflife · 21/06/2012 12:24

Feel much better and stronger now - thank you all.

OP posts:
MissTapestry · 21/06/2012 12:24

Of course ds can't make up his mind. He's 2. You are his parents so it's your job to make decisions for him. If you really feel that it would be a bad idea for him to have contact with your dad then don't let him.

GrahamTribe · 21/06/2012 12:24

"He also loves to throw the 'XX can't make up his own mind yet, so you are making it up for him'"

What a twat! Of course you are! You will be for years to come. What school he goes to, whether he goes to church or not, whether he's vaccinated, what he eats, what weather-appropriate clothes he wears, who he mixes with etc etc

It's all part of being a responsible parent. Don't let this man emotionally blackmail you. If he becomes hard work maybe a word from your son's father, in the form of, "Look, Narked has told you to go away, she's been polite, now I'm telling you to piss off" might do the trick and give you confidence?

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 21/06/2012 12:25

'XX can't make up his own mind yet, so you are making it up for him'

Yes, exactly, it is your job, as his mother.

In the same way that you don't let him choose to play with broken glass, or to drink bleach, or to play in the middle of the road. Your job is to protect him, and that is what you are doing.

Honestly, he lives 6 hours away, that's great. Change your phone number.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 21/06/2012 12:26

X posted with grahamtribe there.