How to show love and affection to a prickly son?

[HighNoon]

Have had a few rows, disagreements and cross words recently with 15 year old DS.

Yesterday he was sitting on the sofa looking gangly and forlorn. I so wanted to hug and kiss him and make him laugh a little. But at the same time want to respect his boundaries and not embarrass him with a crazy loon act!

How do you show a teenage boy know you still care and love them, even when you've just restrained yourself from throttling them?! Every time I get near him he leans back, arms clamped to his side, cheek decidely averted

Please share your tips!

will watch this with interest,could do with some tips myself

but what happens if you DONT like them very much

My son has Aspergers so this is a double problem! I just talk to him, but never touch him unless he asks for a hug. 15 year olds just don't 'do that sort of thing' - but it should change in a couple of years!

Words can be hugs, too.

hug something and pass it to him. i have a bear just for that in my inner city high school classroom.

Bring him his favourite snack.

Buy him a small gift.

On his 'good' days quickly say you love him/are proud of him but do it as you are walking out the room so as not to make a big deal of it (worked for my Mum with my tricky brother). He doesn't have to then respond to it which he will prefer.

Write him a post it note 'I love you' and leave it on his dresser/bed.

Older DS will ask for foot massages, back scratches. I always think he's craving a hug from me really, but too cool to acknowledge it

Small gestures which show you care, even an arm rub and a kind smile. A favourite magazine or choc bar left on his pillow, a 'you do know I love you' at an appropriate time.
I sometimes just say 'can I give you a hug?'
It's hard, but they do need to feel the warmth of their mothers love!

I have this with my ds. He's only 11 but has AS, andhe really doesn't like hugs and kisses.

I tend to go over the top with telling him that I love him and I point out the things that either I or his Dad, step Dad or Gran to that show that we love him. He totally wouldn't get it otherwise!

I also send him texts randomly to say I love you, and ocassionally at home I bribe him for a hug! I hate that I have to do that, but it's done in a fun jokey type way.

I don't know really, I never did manage to get my DS to allow hugs or kisses. He would appreciate little gifts/treats, which was my way of showing him that I cared, and I always told him that I love him.

They do grow out of it. Now 20 my DS is happy (or at least tolerates) hugs in public, and will initiate hugs in private.

DS is only 5 and still loves hugs. I just hope in ten years he still loves them!! He is 4ft 3 already and I am only 5ft 2. I'll have to climb a ladder to hug him at this rate!!!!

What lovely tips! My DS of going on 8 only asks for a hug if he is cold or if he wants something or is ill. Sometimes I take a cuddle or also do the bribe thing.

If only our kids knew how much we loved them . On the other hand, I always thought my parents only tolerated us (5 kids in the family!).

remember that if you hug anybody over the age of 13 if they are related to you other than being married then they are perfectly entitled to snort at you go bright red yell at you that they arnt a baby get all flusted then storm out the room muttering under there breath about bloody parents.

on a serious note you tell them you love them you support them emotionally on a day to day basis,you help guide them as best you can you attempt to help with self easteem,you give them solid foundations in order to prepare them to go of out into the world being decent adults thats how you show them you love them.

I have been with my DP for nearly 6 years, I have NEVER witnessed either him or his brothers hugging their mum which I thInk is sad :( DP was 17 when we first got together and his youngest brother was only 11, still young enough for hugs imo! I lived with them for 10 months too, never saw a hug.

Thanks for your responses -they're great. I meant to post this in Teenagers, but I suppose it could equally apply to AIBU - "to yearn to hug my son?

Treats and small gifts I can do, likewise just coming right out and saying it. What sweeter response can there be to "I do love you, you know" than "nhgh" (nasal grunt sound).

I remember doing a marriage course when newly engaged and one of the things said was that people show affection in different ways:

1. physical eg hugs
2. time eg going out together to the cinema
3. gifts/money eg. flowers
4. saying nice things eg "thank you!"
5. Doing nice things eg. tidying their cupboard

The idea was you identified what your partner saw as the way to show love, rather than what you perceived as the way to show love.

DD1 is now 21 and hates hugs - or maybe hates me, I dunno.
have given up trying really

I'm 21 and I still hug my mum everytime I see her :)

Try ruffling his hair as you pass him or squeezing his arm as the contact is fleeting but shows a bit of affection.

I tell them they're getting a hug whether they like it or not! (I appreciate this wouldn't work with an ASD teenager.) There's always a moment when their body relaxes - that's all I'm after.

Ha ha ha! I have an almost 15 year old! he does the grunt, and the 'meh' but sometimes can sound startlingly like Jeremy Paxman.

Am a big hair ruffler meself - I wander past, ruffle his hair absently, and say "alright love?" he seems to appreciate these small tokens without it being a huge thing for him. Occasionally, he will voluntarily hug me - but not often.

If his younger brother is away on a sleepover, I make as much of it as I can - we watch a dvd, and get some fish and chips, and have a lads night in - he really appreciates those - he doesn't say too much, but he's always keen, and initiates them.

He's in Germany at the moment with school - am missing him - he doesn't say a great deal until it's nearly bedtime, when suddenly he wants to talk, but am missing him... he's a really nice young man - he always asks how my day was, and what happened at work etc.. But he's not big on displays of affection, unless he's feeling quite uncertain - and then only sometimes...

They are so fascinating at this age - you never quite know who you are going to meet every time they open their mouths...

When he wakes tell him - i am here for you
When he goes to sleep tell him - i am here for you
just keep telling him you'll always love him its just biologically impossible not to.
Even if he doesnt accept it he will know
and make him his favourite snack every so often

I've just read the thread and welled up a bit

You all sound like such lovely mums

I am afraid I just hugged the crap out of my two since the day they were born, regardless how much they fought me off and I tell them that i love them probably several times every day.

They both happily submit to cuddles now though. My youngest is very cuddly. My eldest will accept a cuddle as long as the following rules are met
1 - not in public NEVER in public!
2 - ask first
3 - let him go after 30 seconds or so
4 - don't ask for another one for several hours

He is very tolerant of me

I think hugging them, telling them you love them, telling them you're proud of them, praising them - even little things like a big smile or a stroke on the shoulder - all go a long way to giving the message that they are loved.

Even when they reject it on day to day basis, it's still going in there and when they come out the other end of the teenage tunnel, they'll appreciate it