In not wanting my neighbours child to come to my house everyday?

[QueenieLovesEels]

my neighbour's child is friends with my daughter. She is a nice child but hasn't been taught any manners and is becoming incredibly insistent on coming into my house to play.

For example, I have made it clear to her on occasions that my daughter has to get her homework done etc and that she will knock for her when finished. She then repeatedly comes and knocks asking if my child is ready yet. It is as if the conversation about my daughter knocking for her hasn't occurred. It gets embarrassing sending her back home for the third time!

She asks to stay for tea. Now I don't mind if I offer but I don't like being asked IYSWIM. She is a very picky eater too and when I have had her to tea she creates a problem at the table. She refuses to eat vegetables and leaves loads of her food before then asking for pudding. I know everyone's house is different but my rules are that dinner is eaten and then you have pudding. If you don't eat it you don't get pudding. I explained this to the child after one eventful episode. The next time she was invited she did it again so I don't want to go down that path but she keeps asking.

I don't wish to hurt her feelings.

I walk them to school everyday and meet them on their return as her mother is sometimes late. The other day she came straight into my house even though her mother was home. I asked her if her mum was aware she was just coming in and she said quite breezily ' oh yes I told my Mum this morning I was coming into play'.

Now I thought this was a bit of a cheek because her Mother hadn't checked to see if it was convenient for me. I have an autistic child to look after too.
Her mother came to ask if her daughter was at mine and I said that she had told me that she had already cleared it with her. This was clearly a lie. I called her daughter down and told her firmly I didn't appreciate being lied to. Her mother was obviously ruffled by this and started to make excuses as to the 'misunderstanding'. There was no misunderstanding her daughter lied and I felt it was appropriate to challenge her.

How can I sort this situation out without bad feeling and so my daughter doesn't loose her friendship?

I am uncomfortable about my daughter going to her house as they have two massive dogs that aren't trained and are aggressive at times. There is also dog excrement all over the garden so they can't really take themselves out there to play.

I think you may need to be firm and hurt someone's feelings (a little bit) but they will get over it.

You need to break this cycle, the mother is obviously encouraging her to come to you for free childcare, and presumably because she CBA to pick up dogshit so her DCs can play in their own garden, and I think she is ripping the piss TBH.

What do you want to happen? I think I would tell the mother that you are happy to have her daughter for tea on x day but you would appreciate it if she did not knock the door every night as you have plans on the other days. Be firm in sending her away on the other days? I realise that this might upset your daughter though :(

I feel for you, I never thought there was an advantage to getting allocated a school so far away from home but I see it now!

That sounds ghastly. Perhaps you may need to go round and ask her mother to stop letting her come round repeatedly when you've told her that your daughter is busy. It may feel a bit socially awkward but perhaps they need to be embarrassed out of it.

Does it annoy your daughter as well? I used to have a friend next door who sometimes would come round five times a day. It drove everyone crackers but I didn't feel like I could say anything to her as we didn't want to fall out with the neighbours.

I had this for a long time, but ended up sending her home for tea on any day that I hadn't invited her in advance and not allowing my daughter out every day. When it was convienient for them to play together I encouraged them to play outside, whether in my garden, her garden or on a small patch of grass nearby. It was rare that she actually came inside the house. It can be done but you need to be consistant and if nes. speak to the mother about the times that she can knock. Maybe not until an hour after school (if you want your daughter to do her homework first)

YANBU. You are going to have to be blunt.

'Sorry, now is not a good time for us'.
And the next time, don't answer the door.

I would ban her from the house for a week for lying, tbh give yourself room to breathe

When she knocks the first time, say No, dd is doing homework, she'll let you know when she's finished. If you knock again, you won't be coming in tonight.

If when she tries again, you say No, you lost your chance by disturbing us.

I don't think you hurt children's feelings if you calmly explain the rules you need them to keep to in your house.

"I'm sorry, xxxx hasn't done her homework. She will come and get you when she has finished so perhaps you could find something else to do until then." If she persists, "No she isn't ready because she hasn't come to find you."

"We usually wait to be invited to eat in other people's houses. It is more polite than asking if you can come."

"Yes you may stay to tea. We will be having xxxx tonight and only those who eat it will get dessert. That is the rule for everyone in our house. Are you sure you would like to stay?" or "No, I'm sorry. Tonight is not a good night for you to stay for tea. Perhaps another time."

Like you said, she hasn't been taught any manners so you just need to let her know how you expect her to behave. She'll probably accept the rules without question if you explain them clearly and pleasantly. You're not criticising her, just imparting the information she should have been given by her mother.

my parents happily let all and sundry come around as often and as long as they liked. We always had a houseful of friends and I loved it. But they were strict on the ground rules.

The first two visits you're a guest. After that you are no longer a guest in the house and have to abide by and do things according to the rules they set for their own children. For the children who lived in the house (ie us) failure to follow the rules had us sent to our room. If you didn't live in the house you got sent home. None of the kids ever seemed to mind this.

YANBU. Also, as far as the eating goes then 'my house, my rules'.

Keep on saying no, and sending her back, if this continues I would talk to her mother

Remember also, you have no need to justify yourself. That can feel tough at first, but you get used to it. So if the child knocks, you answer the door, with your whole body in the gap - this stops them wandering past you into your home - then you ask what they want (nicely, even though you're plainly aware) then you say " sorry, no, not tonight" if they challenge you in anyway, say "that's just how it is... okay...bye" and it works very quickly. same if they are in you're house and it's tea time. "off you go now, ds has to have her tea" and if she asks to stay, then "no, not tonight...." and use phrases like "well, because I say so" all with a big smile, as you usher them out!

god... please excuse my flippin' typos... multi tasking whilst posting is never a good idea

Thank-you for all the advice. I wasn't sure if I was being a bit crabby and judgy-pants.

I am generally a live and let live kind of person but this is getting a bit much.

I obviously need to have a chat to her mother.

I am finding it all a bit awkward and need to think how to put it across.

Her mother is a massive drama queen and gossip who blows everything out of proportion in order to have something to talk about with all and sundry, hence my reluctance.

My Mum was here when she last presented and said she had never come across someone who talks so much!

I am the opposite so find this type of social interaction very tricky.

She talks about inconsequential stuff and makes such a big deal of it it makes me uncomfortable.

how old are the children? send them outside to play and tell them that meals are eaten in their own homes

I'm not sure you do need to talk to the mother yet. The advice above sounds good in laying out the groundrules with the child herself.

Yep, chat to the Mother. The first paragraph (and most of your text, tbh!) could be a boy down the road and my ds! It happened again after school last night and when I told him 'x is doing his homework, he will call up when he's finished' the boy said 'oh I don't have to do mine today' and just stared at me cheeky little shit. He then proceeded to sit on the steps outside the house, tapping, humming, coughing (very theatrically) until I went out and chased him, politely.

I phoned the Mum and told her and I think she thought it was funny. So have a serious chat with her - you're not being crabby or a judgy-pants, it's bloody annoying.

Sorry, just noticed some of your other comments. I too find these sorts of situations awkward, but I always feel I know what I should be doing, IYSWIM? I need to listen to my head and get over it. I just don't like upsetting people.

Maybe try something like 'Your dd is here a lot and I'm concious that she may not always feel welcomed - there's so much going on here a lot of the time, dd has homework and other stuff to do and it's not always a good time with (your other child) as s/he sometimes needs quiet, chill-out time. Maybe we could speak to eachother and pre-arrange playdates to suit everyone?'

Or they could just play outside if they're old enough?

When she knocks dnt answer the door and hide behind the sofa :-)

I do think that you have to think of this kind of visiting child as different from an arranged 'playdate' and not be worried about applying different rules.

I live abroad and children here are used to roaming in and out of houses as they like (from about age 4 ). My house is very popular because my children have nice toys and food and because I'm here (a lot of parents aren't). I very quickly had to get over my politeness because it was making me stressed. Now they all know if they're here they follow my rules and if they don't then they get sent home. If I want us to have a family only meal I send them home before I start cooking and say 'we'll see you tomorrow' with a nice smile. Good luck OP!

My rule is 'If you are in my house you follow MY rules, if u dont like it you dont need to be here'

Just stop letting the child come in. I have a few friends who are going through the same problem. One sat night one of my friends got a knock on the door at 8.30 at night, it was her childs friend wanting to play. The chidren are 8yrs old. Thats a bit late at night.

You have to be firm as it may only get worse ie The mum might expect u to feed the child all the time. And with holidays coming up soon u might have the child from morning until night.

Mayb encouage the children to play out more.

I think the mother is taking advantage, especially as you take the DC to school and collect them giving the mother an excuse to be late as she knows the child will be with you. What do they do if you need to go somewhere straight from school, like an appointment, do you have to trail the child along too? Or if you have other visitors?

There is some good advice here, you just state the way things are just as a teacher would at school, and by and large kids just accept it.

Next time you see the child you say that you have new rules. She must wait for an invitation to tea, not ask, wait until your dd comes to find her when she is ready and homework done, and eat what she is given at your house. You make sure the mother and child are aware of these rules and you have the right to send the child home if she doesn't comply. Make up whatever reasons you like why the child can't keep coming round all the time, your other child needs more attention, her child won't eat the food your family likes and you're not going to make anything different, you don't have visiting dc when you have family or friends round and so on. And make it clear that you won't be available all the time over the holidays.

You dont need to speak to the mum. Say no to the girl. You dont need to explain yourself to her.

Ive found in the past that children like this have skin like a rhino!

Agreed coco

DD Had a friend like this, would knock persistently. even after being told that DD wasn't in (out shopping with DH or somesuch) would then question you, as if you weren't telling the truth.
She would then let herself into the back garden to see if DD was there, see that she wasn't then go round to all the other houses of DD's friends looking for her before coming back to mine asking again for DD. She would then practically camp out in the front garden whilst pressing her nose up against the window to see if DD was in!!!!

On the odd occasion we did have her round she would constantly complain that she's was hungry or demand to be given food.....i kid you not!
Then if we did offer it was never good enough.
sometimes after being told no she would run home crying (few doors away) then be back again within 10 mins.

She would just walk in (without DD) and when i asked what she was doing she would say i'm looking for DD or i need the toilet!!
If she was out playing with DD then everytime DD came in she would follow even after being told to wait at the door.

But it got to the stage where we had to say no all the time as it was getting beyond ridiculous. Even then she demanded an explanation as to why we were saying no

Seriously that kid had no social skills, never a please or a thankyou and came across as spoiled little madam....i was glad when the family moved

Just say no, and keep repeating, no explanation is needed.

How old?