AIBU to wish he'd just keep quiet?

[Sameoldthing]

DH dislikes his job, has done for years and doesn't seem to understand that in today's climate he is lucky to have a good job albeit one which bores him and for which he has little interest.
It causes him little stress, isn't long hours but he is bored.
Every 6 months or so, for the past 10 years, he has dramatically announced his intention of leaving or the possibility of redundancy. He doesn't actually want to work at all.
He has just done it again.
Him : 'I need to talk to you later about leaving work'
Me: 'what about it?'
Him 'we'll talk later'
Me ' I'll be out with DC later, what are you thinking of doing?'
Him 'I'll talk later, I'm going to take the recycling'
Me ' then why say anything now?'
I'm now left with that panic feeling. How do we pay the bills etc. If he doesn't earn any money?
I earn the same amount as him BTW.
Every time he does this I get a sinking feeling. What he really wants is to give up work completely but a) we can't afford it and b) why the * should I support him doing nothing?
I wish he'd just shut up. :(

Why doesn't he look for another job?

Callin Exactly. He doesn't really want to work that is why. :(

But if he does this every 6 months and hasn't yet handed in his notice, he's not likely to this time, is he?

Perhaps he just needs to vent, and maybe talking about leaving every now and then helps him feel less trapped. Alternatively, you could help him explore what it is he could do instead.

Does he want to be a SAHD?

That must be very stressful - I had to be the sole provider when DH lost his job, it's not nice and I was extremely stressed out during that period as I didn't earn enough to be able to support us. Personally I think leaving a job without another to go onto would be extremely selfish and unforgivable - if he doesn't like his current job tell him to look for another one, but absolutely no quitting without having a backup first.

My Dh does this - and he usually quite likes his job. I usually encourage him to leave, and calmly let him discuss the possibilities knowing he'll never go through with it. He's just fed up and needs to vent and not feel trapped.

Yanbu. I hate it when someone says they want to tell me something, but then won't tell me until later. Why mention it then?

If I were you, when he reappears, I'd jump in first and say - "I've been thinking, I want to take some time out from my job, am a bit worried about the bills though if we are just relying on your salary, so perhaps I should go part-time first...what do you reckon?". See what he says then!

Seriously, I'm all for people having an escape plan from work - but it can't just be for them, it has to be for their partners too. If you can't afford to lose his wages, then he can't give up his job until he has a plan that means you can both do something like part-time work, or lower-paid jobs that are more enjoyable. And in order to do those things you would probably need to down-size or some such, and if that's not an option then how does he think the bills will be paid? He's being quite unrealistic, and selfish. And a twat.

MsVest yes, I think he's venting. You're right, he's unlikely to do it... But he could...
I'm not very good when people offload onto me. IRL In RL I keep my stresses to myself I offload on MN!.

Allowing your partner to tell you their worries is part of being in a relationship IMO. I would be pretty pissed off if my DH told me I wasn't allowed to talk about what was bothering me. That said, if he threatens to leave his job without actually thinking it through I can see why you'd be worried. Why not talk to him about what he actually wants to do, perhaps see if he does want to change job?

Sounds like my father in law. He never did do anything about finding another job, despite going on about it at length every few weeks for about twenty years. He retired last year, still in the same job he was in for thirty five years.

You need to make some agreements with your husband. No matter how bored and unhappy he is in his job, he must NOT resign unless you have jointly agreed a financial strategy. That would very likely involve him having another, equally well paid job to go to, but it could also involve you working/changing hours etc (I didn't see any mention of what you do).

And then after that, he is welcome to discuss options for changing his job, retraining etc with you but it is not ok for him to just dump all his negative feelings on you all the time without ever doing anything about his situation. And threats to resign etc are unacceptable.

If he really just wants to do nothing while you support him, you have a big problem and I would find it hard to be attracted to such a person.

Wine: He's being quite unrealistic,and selfish. And a twat
:o I could say I'm thinking of going PT. Infact, if he is serious about giving up a perfectly good job, I could give mine up too!
Dizzy I really sympathise and this is what makes me angry, he is not being made redundant! If he gave up he would be choosing to put us in the situation you found yourself in. :(

And then after that, he is welcome to discuss options for changing his job, retraining etc with you but it is not ok for him to just dump all his negative feelings on you all the time without ever doing anything about his situation. And threats to resign etc are unacceptable.
Yes, you're right :)

I won't support him if he chooses not to work. I have always worked and stayed in my job after having DC even though it was tough.

Is there a pattern to these rants? Deadlines or something? Arguments with colleagues?

And has he ever offered an alternative plan for himself?

Yes that's why I can sympathise with you, at least for my DH it wasn't intentional and has hard as it was I had to do what I could to support him and keep his spirits up whilst he was finding another job (which for a large part meant not showing how stressed and ill I was feeling from it all). But to do that to some one intentionally, because you're bored with your job - aren't most people bored and fed up in the workplace? 'Twould be really unforgivable and completely and utterly selfish to do that to the person you love. Although from the sounds of it at least he's just venting rather than actually planning (though my vigilant side says venting can become planning, so it would scare me nonetheless if ever my DH talked of this).

My dh is like it as well tbh. He moans on and on and on about work but I am sure he loves it really

I just wish he would talk about something else

fuzz strangely enough, this always happens when things are going well. Almost as if he becomes complacent.

Dizzy
I think he is planning but I have always said these things.

1. unless your job is making you physically or emotionally ill, I won't support you if you give it up.
2. if you have to give it up or are made redundant you need to do everything you can to find ways of contributing financially.

These points apply to me and my job too BTW.

Tell him you'll sit down when the DCs are in bed and do a plan of action, if he really hates this job, then he doesn't need to do it long term, but he has to have a job - so is he interested in moving careers or just to a similar role in a different company or a different role in that company? What would help? CV updated? Contacting recruitment agencies? If he wants a new role, either within the company or elsewhere, does he need to get new experience or qualifications on his CV?

My DH isn't happy in his job, but he hasn't just quit, we sat down and did a plan, the plan is that in approx 12 months he's going self employed. In the meantime, he's using the fact that his company will pay for training courses and put in requests for the company to pay for them (they don't make him sign in to stay for a set time after passing) - I've agreed if this means he has to study on weekends I'll take DS out to give him peace. We're also doing without treats now so we can save some money to have a 'float' of 6 months 'bills, food & mortgage' to keep our heads above water if the whole self employed thing doesn't work well - plus if push comes to shove I could work full time and without childcare costs could cover the bills/food/mortgage.

DH has found that having a plan has made all the difference and is much happier going into work. He's got his light at the end of the tunnel and knows this isn't it for the next 30 years.

I have this with DH, every few months he decides that he hates his job and wants a proper job. I calmly say that's fine darling, I give him a rough idea of how much he would have to earn if we had to pay rent and bills etc and smile sweetly. He very quickly gets over it. I view it as his pmt.
Just let him vent.

Don'tmind Your DH sounds proactive and has ambition.
These things are missing in my DH's situation. His job is good, pays reasonably well and is not making him ill. He doesn't know hat he wants to do and hasn't the ambition to look into other possibilities. If he had, I would feel very differently towards the situation. I feel like he wants to be carried and supported financially so that he can just do as he pleases throughout the day.
I'm not going to do that.

convert there is a minimum amount he would need to earn in order for us to keep our home. We live quite modestly. I'm just frightened because we couldn't pay the bills on my wage alone.

Convert agree it's a vent! It makes me panic every time! :)

Show him what you have written and then he might understand how it makes you panic. However if he does this twice a year and never gives notice then I would just belly up to it.

Show him the household accounts and give him a choice - put up or shut up.