To not send Step-Dad a Father's Day card

[lottytheladybird]

My mum re-married when I was 7. I never liked my Step-Dad; we either argued or didn't speak to one another whilst I was living at home. I was so relieved when I was finally able to move out when I was 18 (I'm now 32).

Nowadays, I make an effort to be nice to him and try and talk to him when he comes over with my Mum. I've never sent him a Father's Day card and don't want to. I've just received an email from my Mum which I think intended to make me feel guilty over not sending him a card or taking him out. (I take my Mum out to lunch every year on Mother's Day.) Anyway, this email's really annoyed me.

Should I send him a card in future just to keep him (and my Mum) happy?

It's totally your choice and your Mum shouldn't be putting on the passive-aggressive pressure. If you argued or didn't speak when you were younger, that's not your fault. You were the child, he was the adult and responsible for building and maintaining a good relationship with you. No, don't send a card just to keep him and your Mum happy.

If you ve never sent him a card before, why has your mum just suddenly mentioned it

i didn't send my own dad a fathers day card.

a little over a week ago he was shouting at me about how he wouldn't spend one penny of his money on care (he and my mum are getting frail) he'd rather commit suicide... and i looked at him and thought 'really? you expect me to be impressed?' and that was that, scales fell from my eyes and i realised i don't love him any more than i love her. there's a long history behind this.

so no, don't send your step-dad a card if you don't mean it.

He isnt your father and hasnt been a positive fatherly figure in your life, so why should he expect a card.

It's time your mum realised that you are an adult and perfectly able to decide whether or not to send cards to people.

I think that sometimes this is more about parents wanting their choice of partner to be validated and approved of. It's far easier for them to think "Lotty sends dh a Fathers day card every year, so I obviously chose a good man" than to think about why Lotty doesn't want to send that card.

Why should you be doing things you don't want to do, just to make this man happy? He obviously didn't do the same for you when you were growing up.

He's not your dad and more importantly, you don't think of him as your dad. Why would you send him a Father's Day card?

coppertop makes a good point - your mum shouldn't be putting pressure on you to validate her choice, she ought to be thinking about why you don't want to.

YANBU. I have two stepchildren, I've been with DH since they were toddlers and I've never got a Mothers Day card off them, nor do I expect one.

If he hasn't been a fatherly figure in your life, and you've never sent him one before then why start now?

Thank you for all of your responses - they've really helped me reflect more on this.

Wheremommagone - There really isn't much fondness between us. It's more like: there are fewer hard feelings these days. I am in touch with my biological father, whom I've also never sent a Father's Day card to.

Don't be silly, if you don't feel like sending one, don't. Even if he was your actual dad, it's not an obligation - I didn't send my dad one.

My story is almost exactly the same as yours with my step dad, although my Mum would never tell me to send him a card.

I never got on with him, he was quite frankly horrible to me throughout most of my childhood. I moved out at 17 and didn't speak to him again until I was 22 and had my own dc. I only started talking to him at all because he had apologised sincerely to me, and I wanted to go and visit my mum with my baby without it being awkward. We get on ok now, but I will never send him a Fathers day card. My Dad died, and if I can't send him a card there is no way I'm sending one to my Mums husband just because he's there!

I don't think you should either. If he's the sort of person that would like a card that has no meaning behind it then he's the last person that deserves one.

He's not your dad and you didn't think of him as your dad.
You now are civil to him when you see him.
That's enough.

I never sent my step-mum a Mother's day card either.

I was forced to send a mothers day card and gift to my step-mum as a teen. I was told give her a card and gift or get out of our house.
My mum died when I was 16, and Dad remarried just after I turned 17. Stepmum was horrible, but I had to live with them, I had no other choice.
My boyfriends mum at the time was more of a mum to me (now MIL) than stepmum. I bought her the cheapest I could find - 29p and a gift from the poundshop (although they were as nice as £1 buys iykwim).
MIL - I made sure DH bought (and buys) as nice a card and gift as possible. She took me in when things got really bad at home when I was 18.

Step mum finally showed her true colours in 2010, and they are getting divorced. My Dad and Grandad now realise why I hated her actions - he was blind to her nastyness.
I think he didn't want to believe how horrid she was being to me as she was so good to him money grabbing trollup that she has proved to be.

Don't send it unless you want to. It will only add to your feelings of not liking him. Its almost like condoning his past behaviour and he will carry on being as bad as usual. Have you said to your mum why you don't send one?

I have a suspicion that you dm wants you to wend a card precisely because you've never got on.

My dm is exactly like this. I haven't really got on with my db for years. I always send him birthday/Christmas cards, and see him if we're in the same area (not often).
But she will go on and on about can I make sure I have posted his birthday present, can I send him X, or Y etc. I chose a card one time for the picture, which was of something he liked and she read so much into that it said "To a special brother"... I hadn't even noticed. Or perhaps the most irritating "he's bought this for dd1 which is totally wrong (it was just inappropriate for her age at the time) but you must make sure you send a really great thank you letter saying how wonderful it is"...
The result is I feel very awkward about sending anything because I feel it's being analysed all the time. And I always do send birthday, so I feel irritated to be reminded-she doesn't over anyone elses.

i refuse to send one to my mothers husband - it not my father nor will he ever be.
i do however send a happy father day grandad card from my children

YANBU

I am Stepmother to teenagers who I've known since they were tiny - they have never given me a card and I wouldn't expect it - they are not my children and I am not their Mum - I don't expect them to treat me as such although a bit of respect would be nice

My mum married when I was 29. Her husband is lovely but I do not call him stepdad. I call him my mother's husband (or by his first name). I do not mean this to be dis-respectful. But I never had a dad my whole life and didn't need a father figure.

That said, we get on well. I don't buy him fathers day cards. But my children call him grandpa and I take them to buy him cards and presents on fathers day. They married before my children were born and he has always been there as a Grandpa figure in their life.

If you don't like him and don't think of him as a father then no you shouldn't.