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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Serious Sister trouble

19 replies

finnbarr · 18/06/2012 20:39

Ok...sorry it's long...just know it will be.

So, my sister and I have always had a tumultuous relationship...culminating in her not speaking to me for nearly a year. During this year there were many pleas from me to sort it out, for her to talk to me etc.
Also during the year she didn't talk to me, our grandfather died. And I tried talking to her at the funeral. And she refused to have anything to do with me.
Then out of the blue last February she decided she wanted to be friends. Why? Because she wanted to date my ex-boyfriend. Which I was fine with in theory. I asked her to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. Cue nine months of she-is-she-isn't-she-is-she-isn't-she hates the dress she hates my fiancé she hates everything. To the point that TWO WEEKS before my wedding I still didn't know of she was even coming never mind a bridesmaid!
So, we fast forward to march, when she decides she not only wants to date my ex, but move in with him six weeks after starting going out. And Easter as a family makes me realise that this is abit wierd for me, and I'm uncomfortable with seeing her an him together. And i know i shouldnt have changed my mind, but i cant help it!! So I decide to have a bit of space. Don't want to talk to her. Don't really want to have anything to do with her.
So this weekend we are putting my grandads ashes to rest. And she has decided she doesn't want to go in case there's an atmosphere. In her (trust me) dramatic and typical style. So I've just picked up the phone and tried to tell her it's my issue and that it's something I need to deal with, and she's being silly making it about her and that there wouldn't be an atmosphere. It didn't go well.
Not sure what I'm after, other than a rant.
Argh!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

JumpingThroughHoops · 18/06/2012 20:47

Why would she want your sloppy seconds?

DollysDrawers · 18/06/2012 20:49

How old are you both? You may just have to accept that you'll never get on, it kind of got to that point with my own sister.

mayaswell · 18/06/2012 20:50

I feel exhausted just reading that, have things always been so dramatic? And is that really 'serious' sister problems? I think you both need to get a grip to be honest!

ENormaSnob · 18/06/2012 20:53

Tbh you both sound petty and immature.

Your grandfather has dies and the pair of you are behaving like brats.

The ex thing is a little weird though. Eww at the thought of shagging someone my sister had.

xkittyx · 18/06/2012 20:55

Why on earth do you give a crap about your sister being with your ex, if you are about to marry someone else?

CrapBag · 18/06/2012 21:01

You did say that you didn't mind her dating your ex, then you change your mind. Obviously that wouldn't have gone down well with her.

You both sound like you need to grow up and stop being so childish (from your OP, her more than you). Either you can both be adults and get on, or you accept the fact that just because you are related, doesn't mean you will get on with each other and just be civil at family occasions with nothing more.

Original poster

finnbarr · 18/06/2012 21:11

My grandad died and I tried SO much to talk and leave it all behind etc, but she was having none of it.
I don't think we ever will get on, which hurts more than anything.
I can say I'm not the one being petty etc. at least, I don't think I am. I suppose the serious thing is relative, but when you've been screamed at down the phone tonight and everything has been twisted to again be all my fault I really do feel I'm at the end of my tether with her.
I'm more sad than anything else.
I probably am being abit petty about the ex thing, but I just had this reaction to seeing them together and I'm happily married etc, but couldn't help it!

OP posts:

AltruisticEnigma · 18/06/2012 21:21

It's natural to feel strange when someone else is with your ex. I do and I can't stand my ex - it's just a natural reaction when you once cared for someone and to be fair it would be even weirder if it was my sister. For a start I'd be offended my sister wanted to go where I had boldly gone before but I suppose can't help who you care for and all that.

She's being immature and you're rising to the bait, it seems to me. She wants a big drama and then she gets it and she wants to keep fueling it. Not everyone gets on with their siblings and although it's a shame sometimes two people just don't get along.

I do hope I'm wrong though. How old is your sister, OP? If she's in her early 20s, she might just still be in an immature state of mind and not know what being an adult is all about. Which one of you is the oldest, anyway? It sounds like you are, but wasn't quite sure.

If she's criticising the people you care about and only talks to you when she wishes for you to give blessing on her dating your ex then to be honest I'd wait for her to do the apologising before you do. You have done your best by the sounds of things and she's trying to cause an argument and so far you have let her get you in this situation.

I hope things improve between the two of you.

Original poster

finnbarr · 18/06/2012 21:27

Thanks Enigma. I'm the oldest, and she's in her early-mid 20s...
I find it sad that we don't get on, and have always struggled with coming to terms with that.

OP posts:

AltruisticEnigma · 18/06/2012 21:29

Sometimes two people have very different personalities and when that happens, they are bound to clash. This is especially prominent if they are both very dominant minded individuals.

Let her come to you. If in the future she wants to apologise for her behaviour then be open about it - but don't instigate it yourself. You've done nothing wrong to her so you have nothing to be sorry for.

StepOutOfSpring · 18/06/2012 21:44

Have you thought about learning some assertiveness techniques? Might help you in your dealings with your sister. Sounds like she's wanting a drama like AltruisticEnigma says, but you don't have to rise to it.

mayaswell · 18/06/2012 21:57

Having read your second post I'm wondering if she's a bit jealous and is just very good at pushing your buttons which is causing the drama?

SoSad007 · 19/06/2012 00:32

Finnbarr, your relationship with your sister sounds a bit like mine (although the dynamics are somewhat different). In my late 20's and early 30's, I also struggled with the fact that my sister and I didn't get along.

I am in my mid 40's now (jeezus, where did the time go?), and with the benefit of maturity, I would just like to to say that you sound like a very rational young adult, who is trying to do the best by those around her. Be prepared in the future if your sister does not grow up, and mature into a fully functioning adult. Because it does sound like this might be the case - she is doing things without considering the full consquences of the outcome. Eg, dating your ex??? That's in the WTAF category.

Good luck.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 19/06/2012 10:28

You both sound as bad as each other tbh

BikeRunSki · 19/06/2012 10:40

Finnbar, I'm with you. I have a similar relationship with my sister. None of the incidents you have described have happened to us, but everything that might possibly involve both of us, she turns into a drama staring her as the heroine and me as the baddy. In fact, she is the centre of everything she does and always gets her own way (through manipulation, bitchery, screaming, sulking and going ahead anyway, regardless of how this impacts on anyone else). We live in different countries now which helps, but when we do see each other it is very intense. DM has a big birthday coming up, I am dreading it, but have resigned myself to do whatever my sister wants, for an easy (non shouts) life. She is currently not speaking to me, I have no idea why, but she was screaming down the phone. It's exhausting.

BikeRunSki · 19/06/2012 10:44

PS My sister has stolen a bf off me, but he and I hadn't actually gone out, just doing some serious lurking. She is built like a supermodel, I'm not. She dumped him about a week later, said she was just seeing if she could get him and didn't want to be single at Christmas. Needless to say, she quite put him off our family and I didn't subsequently stand a chance.

Goldrill · 19/06/2012 10:51

My sister and I don't get on. So we just have nothing to do with each other. It's not mandatory!!

She's now in her forties; I'm late thirties - it is not going to change. Sometimes you just have to walk away.

Paiviaso · 19/06/2012 10:53

From reading this it sounds like you validate her drama by participating it (by doing things like trying to get her to speak to you, allowing her to bounce from bridesmaid to non-bridesmaid to back again).

I know its hard, but every time she starts up with the drama, figuratively walk away. You can be polite, and you can make it clear you would like to have a relationship with her, but don't interact with her when she's being silly. Don't tolerate it if it disturbs your life!

keoko · 19/06/2012 21:05

My sister is married to an ex bf of mine, its a very weird feeling being around someone you have had an intimate relationship with who is now shagging your sister. they live in a different country now, but anyone who says 'oh it's fine it you were together years ago...' is wrong, it's wrong and I often wonder what he thinks. Blah.

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