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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish that people would react more honestly?

74 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 17/06/2012 21:16

I am quite overweight (currently a size 20-22) and would definitely like to lose some weight. I'm working on it! I'm not particularly ashamed of talking about my weight/the way I look, and I'm the first to admit that I'm too big. I just find it (irrationally?) annoying when I say something like "my arse looks huge in these jeans, it'll probably look better when I've lost eight stone or so" and everyone around me leaps in with "don't be silly, you're not fat, blah blah blah blah". Which I clearly am.. I don't care if they say, "yes it does actually, stop eating so much chocolate" because it's true. I can handle the truth when it comes to this, I don't need protecting or anything! It just seems ridiculous when they're almost trying to convince me that I'm not too big when it's obviously not the case.

I know it's trivial but AIBU to wish that they'd just agree with me that I am a lardybum and I should stop eating so many pies?

OP posts:

qo · 18/06/2012 00:22

I'm so glad I clicked on this thread

beansmum · 18/06/2012 00:23

YABU - you can expect friends to be honest and agree when you make a statement like "my arse is huge". That's just a fact that is either true or false.

You can't expect friends to always agree with your view of the way you look. You might think your arse would look better smaller, that doesn't mean it's true or that your friends are only honest if they agree with you.

Maybe they agree that your arse is huge but they don't think it will look any better once you've lost weight? Maybe they like your arse the way it is? Maybe they don't think you're going to lose weight and they want you to know that you look fine the way you are?

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2012 00:23

I don't know vageena

I hate to speak out of turn but he said something about chucking a pencil down a well.

I didn't think anything of it at the time til I realised he was talking about you

Best you dump him really.

Birdsgottafly · 18/06/2012 00:24

I've just thought on, perhaps s/he is the 13 year old that is regulary left on his own overnight, that the thread the other day was about?

vageena · 18/06/2012 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

qo · 18/06/2012 00:26

asphixiwank himself - I'm crying here!!

OP I used to hate that myself, luckilly I do have some friends who I can be honest with in a funny way & vice-versa

But it felt like the ones who "glossed it over" were treating me like I was stupid, like I couldn't SEE myself - although I 100% know that wasn't the intention, they were trying not to hurt my feelings, which is a good thing in itself.

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2012 00:26

know is such a strong term

But can you remind him we're out of coffee for the morning?

ThePoorMansBeckySharp · 18/06/2012 00:29

To be fair OP what are people meant to say? Yes, you are a moose? They are just being nice and it is extremely tedious when people go on about the size of their arse.

MissTapestry · 18/06/2012 03:34

asphyiwank

but not from asphyiwank, oh no no no

MissTapestry · 18/06/2012 03:36

Oh, and OP, your comment about looking better once you've lost 8 stone sounds like you are fishing for compliments, which is boring and uncomfortable for the person you're talking to.

ErikNorseman · 18/06/2012 05:17

Most people are ridiculously sensitive about their weight. When I was younger I used to be, if my dad even hinted that I had gained weight I would fly off the handle. I now have perspective (and self esteem) and am perfectly happy to acknowledge that I am 2 stone overweight and got so through overeating. Still, a lot of overweight people find it very frightening to acknowledge that and get upset if others do!

Mrsjay · 18/06/2012 08:49

I don't feel awkward about fat people i just wouldnt say OIY TUBBY PUT THAT CAKE DOWN It is all about being tactful,

beautifulmind · 18/06/2012 09:02

I'm a 17 stone size (optimistically ) 20, and am classed as obese. I am fat because I eat too much and don't exercise enough. It is starting to affect my health (joint problems / veins / blood pressure etc). I need an operation to strip varicose veins - docs recommended I lose some weight before the operation, which I am slowly achieving, but I went to see the practice nurse last week and she told me to 'Go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself - if you lose 1lb a month that's OK'.

You know what - I don't think it is OK. I need people, especially medical people, to tell me straight that being fat is damaging my health and I need to do something about it urgently.

My Dad seems to have no problem in telling me I'm overweight but he is at the front of the cheerleading squad when I do lose that next couple of pounds.

I know some people have reasons other than overeating for being fat, but let's be honest, most people who are fat, have, like me, only themselves to blame - let's stop sugar coating it (like we need more sugar!).

ErikNorseman · 18/06/2012 10:03

I agree beautiful mind. I suspect that medical staff are trained to be 'sensitive' about weight issues to avoid offending people but I think that's shit. I got prescribed the pill recently and the nurse said my bmi at 30 was the top limit she could prescribe me that pill at. She didn't advise me to lose weight though she advised me not to gain weight. When a person is on the border of overweight and obese, a nurse would be quite justified in advising them to lose some weight, especially when prescribing a contraceptive that can cause health risks in overweight women!

halcyondays · 18/06/2012 12:20

They're just trying to be nice. It would seem a bit rude to agree with someone who said their arse looked huge. They are being polite.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/06/2012 14:36

I had a couple of friends who went out shopping together and one of them is a rather large lady, a size 24 or so. Anyway, she was trying on countless tops and said something to the effect of I dont like any of these tops, they are all horrid....to which my other friend replied "it's not the tops, it's you"

Would you really rather they said that ?? My friend was absolutely mortified.......and no one else could actually believe her mate had said it.

becstarsky · 18/06/2012 14:50

I think whether fishing for compliments or asking for honesty, weight is not a good topic for conversation amongst friends. If you want honesty go to your GP and say ?I?m concerned about my weight? How overweight am I? What health risks do I have at my current weight?? and you?ll get honesty, because that?s their job.

When people comment about their weight to me I must admit I find it quite tedious. None of my friends do it, but colleagues occasionally do and I will say anything that I think is likely to change the subject - and 'oh no you're not' usually gets it done. It?s not that it?s a taboo, it?s just dull and a bit self-absorbed to talk about it. And talking about it gets in the way of staying motivated on a diet too. A quiet determination, that?s what gets you to your goal weight. When you?re talking about it you?re looking for the answers outside of yourself.

StepOutOfSpring · 18/06/2012 15:31

YANBU. OP you have eaten too many pies and I'm sure you will look better when you lose 8 stone. And yes your bum does look big in that :o (so would mine!!)

You go shopping with your friends for honest opinions, not false compliments. Friends can be honest with each other, because you all know you love each other regardless of size etc. I'm hoping to lose weight too and while I don't expect insults due to being larger, I don't expect people to lie and pretend I'm slim either. Like you, I would be disappointed that friends couldn't just be honest, and would probably start to question the honesty of the other things they said.

TheFarSide · 18/06/2012 15:33

Betty - at your friend's bluntness.

TheFarSide · 18/06/2012 15:37

I would far rather people be blunt than insincere. It might hurt in the short term, but at least you know where you stand.

Mollydoggerson · 18/06/2012 16:43

In fairness if you are eight stone over weight and if you say I would look better in jeans if I were skinnier, is that not the same as saying grass is green. What's the point? Why bother look for validation at all.

Krumbum · 18/06/2012 18:01

Mollydoggerson what a douchy thing to say. It is not like that at all! Not everyone agrees with your ideas of what is and what is not attractive.

DeathByChocolate01 · 18/06/2012 23:43

I don't see why people would make self-deprecating "fat" comments unless they're fishing for compliments. I am fat and I'd hate to complain about it to other people - it would just be awkward and leave them wondering what to say without offending me, discomfort all round! If I ever do make reference to my weight (say if I've just tried something on in a shop and it doesn't fit) I will do it in a cheerful way, like "oh, I'll have to come back and try that on again when I've lost a few pounds - I'm working on it!" because it's easier to respond to something like that without lying or being horrible. My pet hate is people who moan constantly about how miserable they are because they're fat, it just makes everyone uncomfortable (not saying you are like this OP, just making a general comment).

2rebecca · 18/06/2012 23:49

I agree with death by chocolate. people who witter on about their appearance whether it's to say they look fat or look fab are tedious. If you want to lose weight do it. Talk about more interesting stuff.
Expecting to say "I'm really fat" and your friend to say "yes you are" is having pretty low expectations of your friend, although I'm sure if you say it often enough she'll become bored and exasperated enough to say that.

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