To expect DH to restrain himself on a work night out the night before our early scan at 8 weeks (second pregnancy, 1 previous MC)

[squeakymac]

Just that really! While acknowledging that I'm quite anxious about this pregnancy (first ended in MC at 6 weeks last April) he doesn't seem to get it, or the impact that the pregnancy in general is having on my life, work etc. He says he's trying to be supportive but that its impossible to reassure me. To top it all off we're having to move cities for a year for his work, meaning I'll be 2 hours away from friends, family etc when the baby is due in late Jan. AIBU?

I think YABU yes, but think it is down to hormones/anxiety probably.

Congratulations! How did the scan go?

Yabu am afraid, although so is he, have been there, many times, is v hard for both partners in this kind of situation and people cope differently.

Is it that you will be v worried the night before and want his support/presence? If so, then make that clear to him. But if you're just worried that he'll be hungover for the scan, then that's his problem.

Know how nerve-wracking early scans are, hope it is good news on the day.

Re impact of your pregnancy, think you just have to get on with it, is just part of the deal. Not a lot he can do, other than share domestics etc as normal. Unless you have health complications it is being a princess to make a drama out of it, several of my friends have done this, eg "oh fetch me a drink / my vitamin darling, make me tea, am just too tired to move" and is pathetic IMO!

Nope no problem with him going out that night, but just want him to be sober enough in the morning (scan is at 11am) to be able to get out of bed and drive there!

Can you not drive?

Although fair enough he should be able to get up and out by that time!

well yes do you not drive is a bit of a red herring

my hmmms would be - does he often get drunk on work nights out/how often do they occur/does he intend to withdraw or reduce attendance at functions once the baby is here?

I think YANBU - my husband would never have risked that first glance at his babies but he's even more of a sap than me.

I think if you asked him not to go out at YAbu but asking him not to get rolling drunk so he is okay the next morning - that's surely just asking him to act like a responsible adult!

No I do drive! Maybe IAB (a bit) U! And need to relax ...

BTW love these forums this is the sort of thing would normally get on the phone and talk through with friends but obvs can't do that as not telling people til 12 weeks so v helpful to get feedback from you wise ladies who have been here before

what impact can an 8 week pregnancy have on work, life etc

just get on with it - if it were 38 weeks you might have a point

In your shoes I would agree with you OP. I recently had a mmc and I know that should I miraculously ever fall pregnant again that I would be extremely anxious and need support from my DP.
You aren't asking him to not go out at all, simply to not get wrecked (and I assume that he has form for this hence the request?) if the scan doesn't go well the last thing you want is a hungover partner who is of no use to you emotionally is it?

Maybe it's something only someone who has been in that situation would get, I don't know, but no YAdefNBU.

Hope your scan goes well x

Yanbu to expect him to be ok to drive, if he's still over the limit at 11am he won't be much use to you!

Also to those saying it's no big deal being 8 weeks gone, I don't know about anyone else but I was absolutely shattered in the early stages, it was the worst bit for being tired! Maybe a little empathy would be nice?

I'm sure my DH would sympathise with yours that it's impossible to reassure you... I was a total wreck in the first weeks of my pregnancy (no previous mc but fertility treatment needed to get pg in the first place so similar feelings of not wanting to hope too much/get too excited as convinced something would go wrong!). Mine DH did get very fed up with my constant worrying even though he knows worrying is just my way of dealing with anything.

So I do sympathise and I definitely think he needs to make sure he's in a fit condition for your scan.... but I also agree with some posters who say you just have to get on with it at this stage - apart from anything else, it's going to be a long seven/eight months if you stop normal operations now.

I was greatly cheered by a GP friend who said "If the baby wants to grow there, you're going to have to do something really drastic to stop it." I very much took that to heart! Good luck!

I know how you feel. I had a difficult pregnancy and from day 1 there were things I couldn't do and had to be careful.

I think it's totally reasonable to expect Dh to be supportive enough that he can get up and be alert by 11 am the next morning

I would expect my DH not to drink so much that he can't function by 11am ANY work day!

And if he had said he was coming to a scan, I would expect him to be capable of driving me (full bladder etc, not best for driving stress), being supportive and enthusiastic etc. Not mumbling, moaning and generally being a whingy pain in the butt.

He'll be fine,and so will you.I think you should have a relaxing evening to yourself,a nice bath and early night.He's hardly going to binge so much that he is totally wrecked by tomorrow,although it might be best if you drive.

It could be his way of taking his mind off things too,you know.He lost a baby too,maybe he's scared something will go wrong again?

what impact can an 8 week pregnancy have on work, life etc

In my experience, after 2 losses an 8 week pregnancy worried me every minute of the day. It had a huge impact on my life, I felt scared,vulnerable, found it difficult to concentrate and did not feel myself at all. That was without the usual first tri, nauses, exhaustion etc.

I don't think you are unreasonable to not expect your oh to get bladdered OP, it's not exactly "being there" is it?

Good luck! You'll feel a lot better after the scan and better again at 12 weeks, I promise

YANBU - I'm assuming he has form for going out and "over refreshing" himself and being useless the next day.

I've had traumatic scans in the past and if I ever get to the stage of having another one, I'll need DH on good form - alert, able to ask relevant questions to medical staff if necessary etc etc.

There's really not much you can do to make this pg successful or not, just try and relax as much as you can the night before and good luck with the scan!

YANBU - having had two awful scan experiences to confirm mcs at 7 and 10 weeks, I understand completely why you would want your husband to be "with it".