Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to wonder why I bothered.

17 replies

manchester00 · 17/06/2012 10:06

Bit of background. Mother's Day is always a non event in our house. For the last 7 years i have never really had any effort put into sorting gifts etc.
We always go for lunch with MIl which dh seems to think is enough treat for me!
However, March is also bonus time for him and he always manages to buy a treat for himself costing at least £100 and buys things for the kids too.
Yet he never thinks of me even on Mothers Day. In fact one year he left me at home with dc on the Saturday to watch football even though i was ill with a tummy bug. I even ended up getting up with dc in the early hours of the morning. He also managed to come home with a football sdhirt for himself but no Mothers day gift for me.
Last year Mothers day took a turn for the worst as I lost my own Mother just over a week before. TBF the kids made me breakfast and he arranged for them to buy me little gifts on the day.
This year kids did breakfast again and we did usual MIL lunch. We were than going to go shopping for dc to get little gifts but dh clearly just wanted to go home. I was also cross at the time as I had joked about being owed Valentines day and Mothes Day gift and MIL law basically said I would have to forget about that as we had a baby on the way. Yet she was quite happy for dh to buy himself a £200 gift from his bonus the week before.
For fathers Day I always buy a token gift. Really didn't want to this year but got him a small box of choccies and card which I left dc to do.
The response i got was yes I got my £1 card. (dc left price on it) and i wonder how many of choccies I will get to eat.

OP posts:

nickseasterchick · 17/06/2012 10:08

You have my sympathies .....theres trouble brewing here too,it seems to me that mothers day is an ok day for token gifts and stuff but fathers day requires the whole shabang!!

Original poster

manchester00 · 17/06/2012 10:13

Would be happy with token gifts! Although tbf we are not eating out. (Both of our father's are no longer with us) We were going to but dh didn't want to in the end.

OP posts:

nickseasterchick · 17/06/2012 10:14

Some men just like a reason to moan .....

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 17/06/2012 10:17

Don't bother then. Just say this is what I want to happen on mother's/father's day, or that you don't want to bother with mother's/father's day any more. How is your husband supposed to know exactly how you're feeling if you don't tell him?

susiedaisy · 17/06/2012 10:20

Aside from the fact that your Dh sounds a bit of a twat for spending bonus money on himself I would say do the same as I had to do, on my first mothers day my Ds was 11 months old and my then Dh (exh)didn't get me anything not even a card, I was gutted so a few days later when I had stopped sniffling about it I sat him down and laid out the ground rules for valentines, mothers day, birthdays and Xmas we agreed an amount to be spent and hashed out a deal that we would both always remember these dates, no other pressys were expected throughout the year for any other occasion, but these core celebrations must not be forgotten, I always reminded him of the upcoming occasion about a week beforehand so he had no excuse, I know it's not the most romantic or affectionate way to receive a present but we have two dc now and I wanted them to learn that you need to remember close family and friends birthdays etc, as part of the divorce agreement I made sure that my exH and I still take the dc to buy each other a small gift for these occasions, it's fathers day today and the dc have a gift and a card for their dad which they are looking forward to giving him, hopefully when my Ds's are adults they will automatically buy the women in their life a pressy on her birthday

MammaTJ · 17/06/2012 10:25

My ex H used to say 'I don't need to buy you a mothers day present, you are not my mother'. Grrr!! I am the mother of his child FFS! She was too young to shop herself. She is 17 now and lovely and buys me pressies for mothers day, my birthday and Christmas.

fuzzpig · 17/06/2012 10:30

He sounds selfish :(

YouOldSlag · 17/06/2012 10:31

OP YANBU. The bigger picture here is that he generally doesn't consider you and puts his needs and wants before you and the family. it's time to talk about that with him. He needs a bloody shake up. This is really unfair behaviour.

The Father's Day and Mother's Day stuff is just the tip of the iceberg, he is behaving selfishly all year round.

maras2 · 17/06/2012 10:36

What a miserable pig.Tell him to stuff off to his mum's for his Sunday dinner.You and the kids can eat his chocolates.Rotten mean man.

RightBuggerforit · 17/06/2012 12:13

Tbf, it doesn't sound like you did bother much, but rightly so, what a selfish miserable cock. I hope you bought something expensive for yourself while you were picking up the chocolates!

madameO · 17/06/2012 13:10

so when you ask him why he spends the bonus only on himself, he says...?

do you not have access to the money as well to spend as you wish? if not why not

Original poster

manchester00 · 17/06/2012 18:39

You are right I didn't make a huge effort this year. Heart not in it. However, we all did go shopping and he managed to spend another £30 on himself. I also made sure dc went to lots of groups events etc where they colud make loads of stuff fro daddy. Obv know dh can't do this.
I guess the problem is that I am quite frugal. I am also trying to declutter so I don't often spend money on myseld. Although I do have access to joint funds and a little of my own funds. (work part-time)
I think it is about being valued. This year I asked for 2 things for my birthday. In total they came to just over £115. Although he did get them from him and dc he seemed to think it was alot. However, its his birthday next month and has something on his list for £150!
I have discuused it before but I seriously think he doesn't think there is a problem. He works hard for his bonus so feels he deserves to spend it on himself.
Time for me to go shopping I think.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 18:43

I can't understand any of this.

Father's Day and Mother's Day is for your children to make/buy cards and gifts.

Your Children made you breakfast, was that not enough?

And if they are old enough to buy breakfast, they're old enough to buy/make gifts for their parents.

I think you're confusing Father's Day/Mother's Day with Valentine's Day.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 18:44

If they're old enough to make breakfast that should read

Original poster

manchester00 · 17/06/2012 18:46

Thats just it though Worra. valentine day is just the same and dc are too young to go and buy gifts on their own. They need input from their father/dh.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 18:48

They can't be too young to make cards surely?

Fair enough having a moan about Valentine's etc but Father's Day/Mother's day...well I just don't understand adults moaning their DH or DW didn't get them anything.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/06/2012 18:49

"He works hard for his bonus so feels he deserves to spend it on himself."
My DH also worked hard for his bonus. When he found out how much it was going to be (a couple of months before it would be paid), he would come home and we would discuss together what we might spend it on - usually something for the house/some work done on the house - so it was enjoyed by the whole family. Once, when he got a particularly good bonus he asked if he could use some of it to buy a new bike frame for himself - actually asked! Because he saw it as part of his overall salary package - joint money, not personal.

Flip