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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fair Fish

48 replies

gobbledegook1 · 16/06/2012 21:13

My sister works all day Saturday 10am - about 6/7pm and leaves her DS (13) home (or out and about with a key) as he won't go to his dad's with his sisters.

Today was the local fair. DN went out this morning whilst his mum was at work and won himself a fish knowing full well his Mum wouldn't be home until at least 6pm and that he had nothing in which to keep/put it.

DN then turned up on my Mum's (his GM) doorstep shortly before we were due to go out and dumped the bagged fish with her as he's got nothing to put it in and wants to go back out with his mates. My mum then turns up on my doorstep with said fish saying DN has dumped the fish with her and she's got nothing to put it in and my sister is probably not going to want a fish and hit the roof so can I deal with it. I had nothing to put it in either but knew it would die if left it for hours in a tiny bag with little water, so I put some water in a small bowl and emptied it out in the hope it would be ok for a bit as I was off out with my Mum.

Whilst I was out I bought the fish a tank (fish bowl) and some food, came back set it up and put gravel in and added fish.

My DS (3) has got a bit attached and has named it and been sat talking to it all evening.

At 8pm (7 hours after dumping it) DN turns up saying he wants his fish. I told him we are keeping the fish since he didn't care enough to sort it out himself this afternoon and it has cost me money to both keep it alive and in decent conditions and DS has become attached and since it is now in a tank and not the bag he left it in (and would have died in) he has no way of carrying it home. He got really upset and ran home crying and now I don't know if I have been a bit mean.

So I want to know WIBU to tell him that he is not having the fish back?

OP posts:

NettoSuperstar · 16/06/2012 22:39

Give your nephew his fish and buy another one for your DS.

Original poster

gobbledegook1 · 16/06/2012 22:43

Its all well and good saying he's only 13 and is thus only a child that doesn't know better (I did at that age) but if the general consensus is that 13 year olds are not responsible then why the hell are they allowed a fish, surely if it is deemed that 13 is too young to be responsible for a living creature then the law should not allow minor's to purchase or win such things without a consenting adult present.

OP posts:

Halfling · 16/06/2012 22:43

YABU and mean

ShullBit · 16/06/2012 22:49

That's the thing, they don't give two bloody hoots about the fish. All they care about is enticing children in to spend their money. It isn't the Childs fault. He probably just didn't think that a few hours waiting for his mother to come home would cause the fish harm.

musicmadness · 16/06/2012 22:52

YANBU. If his mum is willing to get a tank etc maybe offer to get him a new goldfish just to keep the peace? I wouldn't put the current one through being moved again TBH. It can't be good for it!

I'd have sympathy if he had been out trying to get a tank etc, or asked you to help him sort the fish out, but as he was hanging out with his mates all afternoon he clearly wasn't that bothered at the time!

Purple2012 · 16/06/2012 22:53

Yabu. He is 13 FFA. It is not his fault the law doesn't stop him winning these things at a fair. He took it to his grans house as he knew it wouldn't be a good idea to carry it round. Of course 13 yr olds want to be out and about.

You have asked if you are being unreasonable, lots of people are telling you that you are but you obviously wanted everyone to say you were not.

You could have told his gran you wouldn't take it. His gran could have told him she wouldn't take it.

If a child asks an adult to look after something for them of course they are going to expect it back. He is crying about it. That should tell you something!

Original poster

gobbledegook1 · 16/06/2012 23:26

Ok, I get the point you mostly think IABU though I'm glad to see that a few of you don't!

I have taken the advice and have now spoken to my sister directly. She is glad I took the fish because as we suspected would be the case she does not not want it and is not happy about the fact he went and got one without her consent and personally she would rather it stayed here however as he is a spoilt brat and is still in hysterics 3 hours later if she can't convince him its best for it to be here (as she would prefer) she will give in and come collect it.

OP posts:

ShullBit · 16/06/2012 23:46

In that case then, DN should be in a sulk with his mother, not you.

But I do think you was a bit harsh with him when he came to collect. I would talk to him, and tell him that considering his mother doesn't want it, then you will keep it and he is welcome around to help clean the tank out etc so he can still feel as though it is his fish, just under a different roof.

Original poster

gobbledegook1 · 17/06/2012 20:36

Just an update for all those that think IWBU.

After my sister making it very clear she did not want a fish and was not happy with DN bringing one home and telling me to keep it, DN has again today waited for my sister to go out and has gone back to the fair and got himself yet another fish despite still having nothing to house one in and no food with which to feed it despite it being pointed out yesterday these things are essential. His mother is less than happy but has let him keep fishy number two to save the tantrums and it is living in a mixing bowl until further notice.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/06/2012 20:47

How very infuriating for you, and indeed your sister. Will the boy be paying for a tank, food etc?

HeadfirstForHalos · 17/06/2012 20:49

If that were my ds there is no way I'd let him keep it the spoiled so n so!

You did the right thing, though I would have said he could have the fish back when he had bought and set up a tank for it, then bought another for your ds. If fishy 2 dies make sure you tell him it's because he hasn't cared for it properly.

HeadfirstForHalos · 17/06/2012 20:52

It's not just a tank they need either, they need an air pump and a filter. Fish may survive without them but it is akin to say a pet rabbit surviving in a filthy stinking hutch. Plus they need their water dechlorinating.

Original poster

gobbledegook1 · 17/06/2012 20:52

I have got him a tub of food for it, not sure whats gonna happen about a tank though I personally can't see my sister being prepared to pay out for one when she doesn't even want it.

OP posts:

oiwheresthecoffee · 17/06/2012 20:57

You can keep them in a smaller tank if you are willing to put the effort in and clean the water more or less daily for a short while. Which i imagine most people are not.
I had a fair fish a few years ago , i felt sorry for him so i "won" him. I shouldnt have encouraged it really looking back.
He lived quite a while in a smallish tank in our student kitchen with another fish my housemate won. Eventually we moved and got a proper tank for them and they re growing like anything now.

MadamFolly · 18/06/2012 07:34

Did you get any water cleaner stuff? Fish can't live in tap water.

Also I would be fuming at DN if he was mine, no wonder he is spoiled if his mum gives in after tantrums and disobediance. I would have given fish 2 away.

lightrain · 18/06/2012 07:43

So you stole a fish from your 13 year old DN, and are now complaining and calling him a spoiled brat because he was upset? Nice.

ColouringIn · 18/06/2012 07:57

Oh goodness - what a mess.

Can you find it in your heart to offer a home to fishy 2 and suggest to your DN that he can be responsible for their upkeep with any pocket money? This would give him ownership and a small amount of responsibility too. Having shelled out on the fish tank it might be worth spending another couple of pounds on a booklet about basic fish care and presenting it to him.

squeakytoy · 18/06/2012 08:04

Has this boy got any other pets?

PurplePidjin · 18/06/2012 08:21

Somebody needs to put their foot down on your dn's appalling behaviour first, surely?

Gets pet knowing parent won't like it and despite history of neglect of animals

Dumps fish with Grandma so he can piss off out with mates instead of spending £20 in a shop and acting responsibly.

Throws a three hour tantrum when fish is properly dealt with by responsible adult and enthusiastic toddler.

Told he's not allowed a fish so goes and gets another one anyway?

How exactly is she going to prevent him smoking? Drinking? Taking drugs? Stealing? Will she just square it with the police and let him get away with it?

RabidAnchovy · 18/06/2012 09:00

Your nephew is only 13 so he sort of has an excuse for being an idiot, but your sister should know better

Original poster

gobbledegook1 · 18/06/2012 18:35

Not at present Squeakytoy I did mention in a previous post he did have a terrapin but no-one wanted to be responsible for that and it was never properly cared for, when its filter broke my sister tried to fob it off on me so it wouldn't die when I said no it spent several months in a filthy tank on the verge of death until she finally found someone to take it off their hands and sort it out so if he couldn't be bothered with that I can hardly see him being any better with a fish.

lightrain I am not calling him a spoiled brat for being upset I am calling him a spoiled brat because I know him to be one. Being upset is one thing throwing a 3 hour wobbler because you know if you percivier for long enough will get your own way is another. If he had made the effort to sort the fish in the afternoon I would think he actually cared but past experience tells me its not because he really wants it but just that its a novelty.

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 18/06/2012 19:49

Yanbu.

Christelle2207 · 18/06/2012 20:00

Yanbu.
As a fish keeper you did best fir the fish and Dn had no interest. If he buys a tank and all the gubbins for a fish tank then by all means buy him a fish but he needs to be taught a lesson, at 13 he should have known better.

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