to think few friendships survive big financial differences

[lechatnoir]

In the last few years we've seen our family income drop significantly to the point where we now lead a totally different lifestyle to many of our old friends. We keep in touch but are finding it increasingly difficult to keep up and I wonder whether actually IABU to expect our friendships to last now our lives & specifically income are so radically different.
Don't get me wrong, these are lovely people who would be mortified if they knew I felt like this, but, socialising has always involved smart bars/restaurants, theatre trips etc and we can barely afford the babysitter let alone the night out!

So AIBU and can friendships survive big lifestyle differences?

my closest (and oldest) friend and I have always had vey different incmes.

I was homeless when I met her, and she is the daughter of a City worker with a lovely home in leafy commuterland.

we have ben friends for nearly 25 years now, and now I am married with children, a lovely house and not strapped for cash (by any stretch of the imagination), and she is divorced, homeless (so back with parents for the forseeable)and has no income.

we have always been friends, and always will be. the financial side of things made things difficult one way when we were younger, and the other now - but we work it out because we are very good friends.

so yes, imo YABU. friendships can survive big lifestyle differences, as long as both sides are upfront and realistic about everything.

Hmm. It depends what you mean by "big" difference I think.

We have very good friends who live on probably less than half our income and others, at the "top" end probably earn about double or more what we do.

We can always find ways to socialise with the friends who don't have much money (by having dinner parties or going on picnics).

But I think you are not naturally drawn towards people who have ENORMOUSLY different salaries, say hundreds of thousands or more, are you/is one?

is it also that it can work on an individual level, but if it's a group and one member's circumstances are very different they'll be ousted over time?

YANBU. We live in such a 'having and getting' society that we spend the majority of our time talking about money and it's effects on our lives. I have had friends who have become very wealthy and have been genuinely excited to share their good fortune but eventually being the indulged friend turns into just being patronised. Not having the same clothes, car, holidays, lifestyle turns you into strangers in the end.
I do think you can have different friends for different times in your life, and people will come and go and sometimes come back. Just enjoy those who treat you with respect and not for what you've got in your pocket.

Its not it's. Autocorrect is the devil.

I would be questioning the merits of the friendship in the first place if I felt like this. We've been through some shit times money wish and I was comfortable to sit with my proper mates and go 'things are shit'.

We all went to school together, some became nurses, lawyers, architects, others work in clothes shops, call centres or part time like me - I'm the only one with kids. I can hand on heart say income matters not a jot.

My closest friend is very wealthy. About 15 times our income. We don't holiday together or anything like that as we have holiday with our families.

But we have coffee/lunch every week. I am completely open about my envy of her amazing house and she is very sweet about my cute cottage - our friendship survived and grows stronger.

Besides when our dh's die I'm moving in with her

I have a friend whose company I enjoy very much. We go shopping a lot. She spends and I help her spend as I am stony and can barely afford a coffee some weeks.

But we do enjoy each other. And we have other similar interests as well as children close in age.

I think it can survive. My best friend and I have very different levels of disposable income, but I'm not flash and we generally just meet up at each others houses or soft play. It's about enjoying each others company

Depends really. We had a friend who got a job that paid about 4 times more than the average wage in our friends group. We all got sick of him going on about being skint in one breath and then talking about some huge purchase in the next! That might have more to do with him being a bit of a twat than the money though!

If it's a real friendship they'll be pleased to 'socialise' at your house...have a cuppa and a chat.

You don't have to go out anywhere.

The majority of my closest friends are ones who I went to school with and then those who I met in late/teens early twenties. We were all from Hackney council estates and dirt poor.

Some of them remain in that scenario, others don't, some of us have drifted but I think thats more to do with a change of values, priorities and interests. Money isn't the most important thing by a long shot. My absolute best friends total family income is less than 10% of ours, it does mean I am conscious of money around her or asking her to do things but it hasn't affected our actual friendship. Although this might be to do with me being convinced it will all go tomorrow, and I do detest rich posh people!

We're talking pretty substantial differences now as they're all on six figure salaries and rising and we're nearer national average wage with no change in the foreseeable future. I think if we lived closer to each other so we could just meet up for a coffee or at each others houses it would be easier but we met whilst living & working in London & now all live in the various home counties outside so invariably end up meeting in town after work.
I'm certainly not going to sever ties (they'd all be "WTF??) & hope we continue being friends but I sadly do wonder whether these are sustainable friendships in long term

I think it is all about people's attitude to money.
I have a friend who is really insecure and bitterly resents people who have money to spare for posh holidays, she doesn't realsise how lucky she is to have a good job, nice house,pension and so on.
I think good friends are happy for their friends if they can buy nice things and so on.
I have a very well off friend, she goes on posh holidays with a friend with a similar income, we are going camping with them! You do what suits you both and I invite people for coffee at mine if it's nearly the end of the month and Starbucks is out. If I couldn't afford the pub I'd say come to mine, I'll make nibbles, you bring wine-we do that with friends who can't find a babysitter anyway-take the party to their house.
We are a very comfortably off family, but not compared to most in our area.Sometimes I can get a bit wistful over a friend's extension/Waitrose food/designer dress/ savings account, but then I give myself a swift kick up the arse and remember to be grateful for what I've got-can't stand moaners.

I would invite your friends for cheap eats at your house, ask them to bring a bottle/course, or suggest a picnic with kids and be honest about being strapped for cash if they invite you somewhere flash.

My best friend have always been on different scales. She was at uni and skint, I was working and rolling in it in comparison. I wasn't but living at home at 19 it felt like it. Then she graduated (she is a doctor) and had lots of disposable income. Me and dh had had the kids and were skint.
Now is the first time in 20 years we have been on an even keel. Its never mattered. I love like a sister and money wouldn't come between us.
Having said that I imagine in can come between friends. Depends on the people. My and my best friend and never felt like we are competing.

It can be fine, as long as you are honest and say what you can and can't do and don't feel bad about that, and they are sensitive to the difference in the situation and adapt accordingly.

If there is genuine goodwill and a willingness to put friendship above material shit, and an ability on your part not to be resentful, and theirs not to suggest things you can't afford, it can be fine.

I hope.

Wot Hully said.

Perhaps try and break the trend, "I'd love to (meet up) can't afford it but how about you and x come over for dinner on y"

If it's a large group invite 2 couples at time, presumably they'd bring a bottle each?

I may be flamed, but I think it is probably easier for women than for men ( and by extension, couples). There is more cultural pressure on men to be judged on how good they are at providing, and it is easier for women to opt out, or to have ' worthy vocations'- teacher, carer, sahm- than it is for men. Hopefully this is changing.

I agree with Hully as well.

I have a friend who doesn't 'get' implication of different incomes. They have much lower housing costs, access to free childcare from family and two very good but not specular incomes. A lot of her friends including me don't have that and do watch the pennies and pounds and that is alien to her and she can get a bit judgy.

That can be hard to hear in a tight month.

It depends. Agree if you live far apart and socialise in groups it can be much more difficult. We are quite comfortable, we have friends on a similar financial level who we can do extravagant things with and have friends who have a lot less so just take turns to do lunch at each others houses, meet for a coffee, night out at the cinema, picnics at the park etc.

My oldest friend is now v v rich from her own career success. We are on a medium income. But she has been through a lot of unfortunate difficulties which money can't help her with. So I'm always the ear on the end of the phone and she tends to pick up the restaurant bills when we do occasionally get across the country to see each other. We just agreed this one day. She said "I have more money than I need and no kids yet to spend it on, so I'm paying". We knew each other well enough that money was not the key issue and yes she does pay the bill. And we've tried some cool restaurants as a result.

I think it depends. My bf from school (who is a successful provincial lawyer) has a lovely home and some investment properties but disastrous marriages behind her and is arsy even though our home is not as grand as hers in terms of bricks and land. My bf from early twenties (who only worked for about five years) and who returned to her home town after her marriage broke up but remarried happily has a tribe of blended children (his, hers and theirs), loves life and has a glass forever full. We have a home, bf1 has a house, bf2 has a home also.

In the context of money we live less well materially than bf1 but have more in the bank and more joy in our lives, bf2 lives well, has little in the bank in monetary terms but all of our joy and love for her own and everyone else's in spades. Overall she is far richer than bf1 and the one I will travel 300 miles to see for a weekend.

I don't know if any of that makes sense to you but it does to me.

Thanks for this post. My best friend has a fantastically wealthy lifestyle and it is sometimes stressful but then I remind myself the worry is my issue, she is not worried about it. Yes, it's hard to remain on the same levels of perspective as she is used to the finer things in life but at the end of the day, we are friends and that seems to override everything. It sounds to me like you're hiding this issue from your friends ("I'd be mortified...") so they may not realise there is a problem. What about being honest with them. I am sure they value you as a friend and it will not matter whether you meet in a fancy place or not.

I think you have a point, but in my case i come at it from the other side.
We are high earners and can afford a nice life; with that i mean nice home, cars etc.

We don't splash our cash, rarely go out and don't dress head to toe designer yet several of my friends who earn less make digs regularly about us being 'rich'. This has only happened in the last little while and both families have suffered a job loss so I can only imagine the angst they are feeling what with with young families and mortgages etc..

However, the choice is theirs that we no longer socliase etc. and it makes me sad...