to consider leaving my dh when i cannot financially support myself and dc.

[deadbeat]

Im so unhappy. Not sure if dh and I having marriage difficulties is the main thing but it is a factor. I just dont know where to start.

I am desperate, unhappy and tired. Waiting for a referal to mental health team from gp but in the meantime i am just not coping.

If i leave will i get help? Income support? I have no idea, always worked or h has worked. But feeling like i can't go because i have no money makes me feel so much worse, trapped and unhappy.

Sorry no idea where i should have posted this. feel free to shift it.

why do you have to leave and not him.

you need to get to CAB

Bump.

Take your OP bit by bit

Yor unahppy but not sure if you have marriage difficulties, waiting for a MH referal.

Sweetheart, could be the clouds will life once you have proper medical help. Or do you think you will be happier alone?

It sounds to me as if you need to work on two things. The first is yourself and your health, and I hope the referral comes through soon.

The second is your escape plan. You do not have to leave straightaway, and indeed one of the options you should consider is if he should go. If you think it should be you, then you need to think about where to and what you will live on. Are you in work at the moment? Does your wage alone cover the likely rent of a new property, plus leave enough over to live on? Is the property you will be leaving owned or rented? What will you need to do to extricate yourself from the costs of that?

entitledto is a good website for looking at what benefits you might qualify for.

Even if you don't leave straightaway, tackling this sort of planning, step by step, will make you feel better able to cope. It may seem daunting now, but when you start to break it down into smaller steps it all seems much more possible. And I hope that will give you the confidence to really examine the decisions you need to take.

just not sure what came first the chicken or the egg.

Not sure he would leave and even if he did, i would be left with no income apart from whatever he gave for the kids. So not sure i could afford to stay or go i suppose.

He isnt supportive of the fact that i am feeling so low, i bleed my heart to him and he says 'whats making you feel like this' and when i say i dont know he just pams me off with 'i mean you are not depressed, people who are depressed cant help it' which makes me feel he thinks i can.

whenever we talk about it he makes me feel worse, so we dont talk.

i have a child from previouis marriage and 2 together. My h and eldest dc are always fighting, bickering, and today he picked him up my the collar and shouted in his face. He had been cheeky but this to me is too much. Too much to cope with at the best of times, definitely too much with how i feel at the moment.

just not sure what to do

Well sometimes its no fun being a parent, thats for sure. Every marriage has its ups and downs. Everyone has their own periods of bleakness too. I don't mean to make how you feel trite in some way. See your GP; you say you are tired, could be a symptom of depression, could be an underlying medical cause. Could be neither.

FWIW, it not necessarily a step-family thing either, I though my DH was going to murder our eldest today - seriously - a great big testosterone laiden stand off. And Im standing there thinking "All I want is loaf of bread". Now who said parenting was enriching, coz it sucks the life out of me at times.

"i would be left with no income"

Do not make any assumptions, you need a possible benefit check, that can be got from your local CRB or a welfare rights organisation.

If counselling is offered by the MH team, then you can explore every issue in your life and this will help to clarify things.

Do you want your marrage to carry on?

Would your DH's attitude change, if you had professional help, sothere 'proving' that you are depressed and he could access support?

You deserve to be happy and if your marriage isn't working for you, you have every right to walk away. TBH he sounds abusive to me, and dismissive of your problems, and living in that sort of environment can make MH problems worse.

I left my DH and I had one DS as well, we got income support and tax credits as I was a lone parent. I also had involvement from a MH team and they helped me apply for DLA, which meant I got a top up on income support, and rehousing so we are in social housing which is covered by housing benefit. I also got maintenance on top of that so financially it worked out fine. There is a support net available for situations like this, you should find out about everything you are entitled as there is a lot of help available.

Through your MH team you can access different forms of advice.

Have you been given a possible time frame to see the MHT?

Not sure if dh attitude would change. Feel like i speak but he doesn't listen or we fight so nothing changes except that i am more and more reluctant to talk to him and then i turn to friend for support. This in turn makes him feel pushed out and then its more fighting for us.

I have always felt claustraphobic in my relationship with him but put it down to him being more needy/jealous than i am. I like some space, like to be myself not just a mother and wife, but going out with a friend i always feel there is a price to pay. He will huff and i will come home to him being grumpy and the house being a riot.

Kids are fine but often on my return something will kick off between my eldest and dh. He is the only boy but without doubt my h is harder on him. never cuts him any slack and i find this hard, always have.

You would get

Income support..£67 a week
Housing benefit
Council tax benefit
Child benefit
Tax credits
Free sch meals

Do you currently rent? Council may run the rent aside scheme whereby they help with deposit on a rental

You will also get maintenance

I like some space, like to be myself

you are me - it takes a long time of training to get someone else to see that your need for solitude isn't a rejection of them.

My advice? See your GP. Clear your head. Then revise and see if going it alone is what you really want.

Poor you, you sound so worn down. Any friends or family nearby you can talk to? Your H shouldn't be behaving like that with your son and he sounds very unsympathetic.

Things may be tight but you would be able to survive financially on your own and I've a feeling your mh problems may lessen once your H is out of the way.

Go back to your GP and hassle to be moved up the waiting list. Have you asked for counselling?

Does your H ever go away for the weekend or such like ?

My H goes abroad with work for a week or two from time to time and this has shown me that though our relationship has it's challenges, I do find life easier and happier when he's around than when he isn't (for now at least, especially as I find the co-parenting easier than being on my own with the DCs (though do have friends too))

Just think that that is quite a good test for me of "should I stay or should I go now - (if I stay there will be trouble - if I go it will be double)"

Could well be different for you - but worth thinking about and maybe putting to the test if you can !

Good luck with everything

I made the mistake of thinking I couldn't live with my ex when really I was having a mental breakdown and couldn't see clearly and just needed a break. I really miss him. No idea what's right for you but it's easy to let mental health issues cloud judgement . :-(

good luck. it's all a bit complex. get information but don't rush into anything.

I'm sorry you feel like that Pea
Hope things pick up for you soon.
Are you still in touch with him ?
Hope you can see what to do next for the best in life's journey

Thanks for all the helpful responses and for taking the time to respond.
My H works away but only away 1 or 2 nights per week. When he is away i look forward to him coming back to ease the load but instead when he comes back we fight because he comes home and doesnt immediately help. Instead he will go on pc, be nice with kids for ten mins then get all shouty and pissed off.
Whilst i often shout and feel grumpy at bed time i have had the kids all day often on my own. Also our parenting styles clash often.
I like him as a person but does he makey life harder or easier? Id say more often harder. I feel like we have no partnership.

Willhe not talk to you about these issues, or is he dismissive when you try to broach the subject?

Could you hang on until you have your appointments with the MHT.

He isn't dismisive as such but he will continue to either watch tv or surf the net or washing up (he does wash up because he never cooks so his 'job' is the washing up which he will do most times) Because he doesnt give me his full attention my voice will escalate and i will sound probably neurotic and desperate and i will then say something to make him take notice like 'this is why i dont talk to you, you dont listen or you let out a big 'here we go again' sigh' and then he gets pissed off and we end up fighting, shouting and occasionally he will storm off because i end up saying things he doesnt want to hear.

If i say i am not happy in our marriage or that i feel he is not pulling his weight and that i cant cope with the load he will say i am being really unfair and its not true. Then we fight and i feel worse than i did before we fought because by then i am not only flat and tearful i feel lonely and i think my marriage is over.

Is this an over reaction, i don't know. But i feel i cant talk to him, i dont enjoy family time because he is stressy and shouty and then when the kids are in bed i am either too tired to talk or i feel so pissed off with him i dont want to talk. Im not a perfect parent i shout too, i am disappointed at how shit a parent i have become but i just cant shake this off. I feel like there is always something bad to deal with, some shit.

I dunno deadbeat, I can see both sides - If I were working away I wouldnt want to go into the hum drum of home life immediately - I dont even want to do that on a daily basis. Give me 10 mins, cup of coffee, check my emails, check the bank account - after that I'm all yours!

It#'s finding the balance. Some people can switch persona, from work to home, immediately, some can't. I cant. DH can.

The out-of-house parent often is the fall guy for the different parenting style. DH is MR Laid Back, I'm full on moany nag. However if DH does lose his rag (v v rarely) even I think "whoa, cowboy, thats a bit strong"

The comment you made about partnership is the key - I'm not one for day in day out lovey dovey phone calls and texts (they irritate the shit out of me) BUT there is a place for relaying child orientated communication ....eg X happened, this how I dealt with it, please back my stance on this' ....Dh may not agree with your stance on the issue but thats a discussion that takes place after kids are out of earshot......or Eg Y wasn't selected for a school team, s/he is really sad about this, can you talk to him that it isnt the end of the world......Eg This upset me today, I prepared tea, do you think you can dish it up when you come in, I just need a bit of break.

Sometimes people need to know what they can do.

but I do think you should see your GP if life seems overwhelming.

dh works away, he took the job, i know they are few and far between but he liked the job, it just happened to be in another area, but he chose it. Others have come up nearby that he could have gone for but he likes being part time and is happy in his job. So he has 2 hours drive home, country roads, not motorway. On the odd occasion i drive anywhere on my own i enjoy the peace, the break from the noise and the chaos. I am sorry but he has those 2 hours to get his head in the right place to deal with coming into our home and dealing with our family life. I don't get 2 minutes never mind two hours to get my head sorted each morning when they all get up. I just have to get on the moving train and i'm sorry so does he. He only works part time, his job is not stressful. Go on flame me, tell me you all feel sorry for my dh because i am a right miserable cow god only knows i feel like one.

Would your husband consider some kind of relationship counselling? If only because it could help with how he relates to your ds - some help is needed there! I don't think you should rush into leaving him, without seeing if the problems can be addressed. My instinct is to say that you shouldn't take on too much, all at once and to concentrate on getting well. But obviously, if he is contributing to how bad you feel, then leaving might be the thing which makes you feel better.

I think I would broach the counselling idea first and see if he is receptive. A counsellor might help him develop some understanding of how you are feeling - am not making excuses for him but some people really are shit at dealing with other people's mh. They just don't 'get' why you can't snap out of it.

I would also make enquiries about benefits and the practicalities of splitting up. You might feel a bit better once you know what your escape route would be.

I don't think you sound like a miserable cow, btw. You sound like someone married to a man who lacks empathy and patience and who is a bit of a crap parent at times.

Him not you - just read that back and it didn't sound right