to want to make ILs house as boring as possible?

[BrittaPerry]

OK, quick post before I take the dds out.

The DDs are 5 and 2, and constantly want to go to granda's house. Sigh.

He picks them up from school (no way of avoiding this on any kind of regular basis - he ambushes us anyway and invites the kids in) which of course I am grateful for, but then he keeps them till 5pm ish. I never know when exactly he will bring them back - it can be any time between 3.30 and 6.30, and he gives them snacks, takes them to the park, lets them watch loads of tv, buys them expensive toys etc.

I would like to sometimes take them to the park, do crafts etc with them and not just be shouty "eat your veg, get ready for bed" mummy. Yesterday DH had the day off wor and went out and bought fruit and ice cream, made a lasagne, bought DD2 a new thomas from the charity shop. FIL actually rang up for once, saying he would give the kids their tea, DH told him not to as he had a special tea planned and asked if the kids could be home by 4. FIL sulked and when the ids came home they weren't interested in the food because they had already eated biscuits and ice cream, and DD2 had been playing with an entire set of trains :( the other day I had promsied the kids we could go to the park, DD2 was at home that day, so we got everything ready and waited by the door (DD2 was excited) and no sign of them. So I rang the ILs house, spoke to MIL who said that FIL and DD1 were at the park. By the time I got there DD1 was tired and wanted to go home, and I just had to deal with the tantrums.

They cry for him when they are upset :(

If i as him not to spoil them, he rolls his eyes and does it anyway, and if I post on facebook that I am picking the kids up from school/nursery, I get messages off friends of BIL telling me that the girls are the only thing keeping him going (BIL died 3 years ago) and that I shouldn't be so mean.

I love having such lovely ILs, they are so helpful, but aibu to sometimes want to give my own children treats?

any ideas?

Don't post your arrangements on Facebook. Be firmer! One or two afternoons a week at grabdad's is more than enough. Arrange it in advance and be firm about it.

Agree that you have to be firm. It's lovely that they have a close relationship with him, but not fair if it is at the expense of your own relationship. One or two days per week are enough. Why don't you agree a regular day or two and then tell him that you want the kids to yourself for the rest of the week?

YANBU.

Don't post on FB that you're getting the girls. Just go and get them. If he invites them in, say no, not today.

If you can't get the girls from school then tell them that they are to come straight home, no going to see Granda on the way back. If they go there, go and get them straight away.

DH needs to speak to his parents, say it's not convenient for the girls to be there and filled with snacks and rubbish. They need to come home to do their homework/reading before they get too tired.

It's lovely they want to be involved, but it's not on that they override your rules and requests as parents. It's sad that your BIL
passed away but your DDs shouldn't be used by the ILs to try to fill the void.

Being the only thing that keeps him going could become an intense amount of pressure for your girls as they get older and actually drive them away from their grandparents.

I agree with the others. Don't post your arrangements on Facebook, delete BIL's old friends or tell them it's none of their business and that your girls are not responsible for your FIL's wellbeing, and be firm with your IL's.

Tell the school that FIL is not to collect the girls unless you have confirmed with them that day that he can, if he ambushes you on the way home tell him you don't have time to come in (or find a different route home) and your DH needs to tell them that overriding his/your wishes and filling the girls up on junk food when you have told him not to or keeping them out long after they were due home is not on and if they can't be trusted then they can't look after the girls alone any more.

It's lovely that your girls have grandparents that love them and love spending time with them but I can totally see why this is such a bugbear for you.

So sad about your BIL's death that must have been devastating for his parents but treating your children as his replacement isn't fair on anyone. You need to be firmer and however much FIL insists on having the girls, if you have made plans already for them, that takes precendent.

You are NOT being mean and it isn't on for other people to say you are for daring to want to spend time with your own children. They might be the only thing keeping your FIL going since the death of his son but it isn't 2 small childrens' responsibility to keep this man happy and his grief at bay.

Is there any way you could hide certain statuses from certain people on fb who say unhelpful things? Or delete them altogether? It's not very friendly to call someone mean for wanting to spend time with their children after all.

Echoing what others are saying really.

It's wonderful that your DDs have such a close and loving relationship with their Grandad but it definitely should not come at the expense of your immediate family.

My DS is adored by all 3 sets of grandparents (my parents are remarried) BUT he has set times to see them. He goes to PILs one full afternoon per week, sees my stepdad one morning for lunch, sees my dad on Fridays for playtime and often visits PILs (with us) on Saturdays and we get together with my mum and stepdad (and often my brother, SIL and nephews) for Sunday lunch/ dinner.

It's great to have a close family and I know how lucky we are but sometimes, especially if my DH has been working late/ away a lot we don't schedule anything in with family at the weekends. It is so vital to have time to bond/ play/ just enjoy being an immediate family IMO that it has to take precedence.

I don't think there's any need to make a big deal out of having some time together/ cutting down PILs time. After all, YOU are the DC's parents and decide what goes. Just say firmly 'not today thank you, we have X & Y planned... But I'm sure you will be able to go to the park/ watch a film/ have tea together when you have the girls on (whenever).'

Don't post arrangements on Facebook for a start!

Is it possible to arrange that FiL has the girls one or two specific days and no other? Then you can restrict the spoiling.

And put your foot down! No they can't come round tonight. No they can't have sweets/biscuits/rubbish, No you can't take them to such-and-such a place today, we are going somewhere.

And tell them if they don't listen to you then things might have to change.

YABU to want to make their home boring.

YANBU to want to get some structure into your family life.

could you invite a school friend over and have them for tea or take girls to after school clud so that you have stuff on?

or like the others say tell them you dont want their routine messed with and give them see time to see the kids.

yanbu

you cant sacrifice your instincts nad your life with your children to make FIl happy. He cant expect to live through them either.

All you really want is routine and structure, so make a regular arrangement, say twice a week for the girls to visit them.

That way they both have something to look forward to, but it keeps everybody happy.

As others have said, it isn't fair to children to be undr pressure to 'keep adults going'.

The relationship will change as they get older and don't discount the value of having people that you can trust to leave your children with.

YANBU this would piss me right off tbh

Dont post things on FB, and delete BILs friends so they cant try and guilt trip you if you do post anything for start

You need to be firmer "Thanks FIL but Ive got tea sorted tonight, maybe tomorrow", dont tell him if you plan on taking them to the park/anywhere else incase he invites himself. Maybe try and arrange something as a bit of a routine eg. every Monday/Wednesday they go to ILs for tea, if you are not working FT maybe they can go to ILs on a Saturday until tea time etc. Specify times you will pick them up. That way everyone knows what they are doing and when. Also TELL them to stop buying the children things all the time, white lie if you have to and and say you've noticed them getting a bit sulky when they cant get what they want and it makes it hard for you and DH and upsets the children.

What does your DH think of it all?

Blimey! Your fil is doing the parenting of your kids and you appear to being told that you have no choice in this! Your role is not being respected. Im shocked!

I think say they can go there on a set day in the week or two if you wish but that's it.

Its very sad that he lost his son but that doesn't mean he gets to take your kids as his own.

Set specific days.

Granny collects my DS from school every Friday for tea. It's "their" time and they both look forward to it. Recently cos of the rain ithey've come back to my house which is closer, however normally they go to Gran's & the park. If DS has done well at school that week Granny rustles up a treat.

As the older one grows she'll need to do homework and may want to do the odd afterschool club or activity like brownies on set days. Younger children thrive on a regular routine anyway. DS used to see Granny more often at nursey, but she's as pleased as I am that he's now doing art club, akido & swimming (he's SN so this is a major achievement).

A regular routine of one or two "school nights" + a weekend visit (Sunday lunch or tea?) will be fairer on everyone. You'll regain control of your own family & relationship with your children. FIL will have something to look forward to and can plan his treat . The girls teeth won't suffer too badly.

The danger of allowing this to continue is that your resentment buiilds until there's one of those awful family fall-outs that takes years to resolve.

Was that your thread back in the spring about similar - letting the DCs use the internet unsupervised, feeding them junk etc?

Agree with poopoo you need to take back parental responsibility from FIL by the sounds of it. I would say that now DD1 is at school she needs more structure & routine so can't come round everyday plus school want to know exactly who is picking up which days so let agree 2 or 3 set days you will have them, do tea and get them back by 6pm. Explain that doesn't mean he can't see them on anyother day or maybe suggest he comes to your house once a week as well but you definitely need some firmer boundaries - your current arrangement would drive me insane!!!

I am a bit bewildered by this tbh. Do you mean he ambushes you on the way home from school, you then leave the children at his house and wait at home for him to drop them off whenever he sees fit? I am also confused by Flisspaps:

"If you can't get the girls from school then tell them that they are to come straight home, no going to see Granda on the way back. If they go there, go and get them straight away."

at 5 and 2? Who are they walking home with then?!

I agree with other posters that you need to start saying no, unfriend the guilt-trippers, establish regular visits rather than ad-hoc and refuse to live your life around fil.

However, I can't understand why you haven't said simply that you will pick them up at a certain time from his house, rather than waiting and waiting for him to turn up whenever? And why on earth your DH on his special day off didn't just say to fil that he would do the school pick up rather than worrying that fil wouldn't have them back for 4pm? Is everyone tip-toeing around him because of the bil thing (which is obv sad)?

Sorry about your bil - this is obviously a bulk reason why your fil Maybe like this. Children can always ease thr pain of death in a family. Is there anyway you could involve pils with your own family life, so they can see how your day to day routine is? Invite them around to yours instead, before they can take the kids to their house and let them spend time together infront of you so you can control food etc.

I think your dh needs to have words with your pils though. I agree it must be quite annoying for you.

I think the setting of specific days is the way to go. And then everybody knows where they're up to. And no misunderstandings. But feel really sorry for your fil as it's obvious they really help him to deal with grief. And I think that's good in a family and not a bad thing. But totally understand your wish to do things with your own kids.

Why am I getting a sense of deja vu here? I remember a similar thread about GC crying for GF and picking them up from school.

I'm crying because I wish my children has loving grandparents. (They are all unfortunately dead).

Bloody hell, there are so many threads on here about relationship problems and absentee parents and disinterested grandparents, I would have thought you would be so happy that you had a fit, able bodied, interested grandparents on hand. I'm agog you think your life sucks because of it.

AM confused too.
If they are 5 and 2, then you must be taking them round, surely, as the 2 yr old wouldn't be at school ?
As everyone else says, just say they can collect on Mondays and Thursdays (or whatever) but you are doing other things on the other days (and perhaps make a point of going off somewhere for a couple of weeks to get them used to the idea of the new routine).
There is a point at which being the one to nag about eating vegetables or tidying room does come with the territory of being the parent however. That's why being a grandparent is such a great job- you get to do all the "fun" bits of parenting, without the more humdrum.
I agree with posters saying 'count your blessings' though. So many parents would give hens teeth for this kind of support, it's just a case of you (including your dh) establishing a few boundaries.

Jumping, that's unnecessary. She never said her life sucks or that she didn't appreciate the good relationship her kids have with their GP. Just because she has different problems to you, it doesn't mean that hers are any less real.

Most people would be pissed off if they didn't get to do any fun stuff with their own kids, because they were monopolised by other family members. The OP had kids because she wanted to bring them up and do the nice things as well as the 'eat your tea' part of parenting.

The other thing, if you are walking past their house, take a different route. OR be proactive, phone beforehand and say - Oi! Grandad, its a nice night, WE are going to the park, do you fancy coming too?

Re the trainset thing - thats small fry - you will count your blessings they are cash-flush in a few years with the endless things teenagers need - and some of it is need not want.