To wonder if I'm being an ungrateful cow? DP thread.

[francevive]

I'm pregnant with our 2nd child and last week received some terrible news about the death of a very close friend's baby. I'm grieving, and heavily pregnant, generally feeling very sad and fed up.

I may just be directing my sadness towards DP but wish he would do more sometimes. He hasn't asked or tried to talk to me about friend's baby and I feel quite alone in my grieving though we live together. She is a good friend to him too but he seems completely unaffected.

DP never takes me out, helps around house or gets out of bed at the week end so that I can have a lie in. Never any romantic gestures, not a card or cup of tea for Mothers Day. I mention this because it's Fathers Day on Sunday and I resent spoiling him as he didn't do the same for me. Sex is usually quite selfish, wham bam thank you mam (it wasn't when we were dating).

He's great in other ways, works hard and pays mortgage, good with the children although often doesn't have much patience with them. I trust him, I know he loves me. He does give me some time off from the children at the week ends if I ask for it, a couple of hours in the afternoon for example.

I know this sounds petty, tit for tat, but is my DP particularly crap or is this normal? I'm just fed up and wish he would make more of an effort.

Try speaking to him about how you feel? Some men (including mine) are just not good in these situations. Have you got a close friend you could speak to/visit/invite round? Sorry your going through this

He usually gets quite grumpy and walks off if I say anything that he perceives as me having a go at him.

Occasionally he will listen and say the right things, but it's usually forgotten in a day. Let's say I tell him I wish he'd arrange to take me out one night, he'll say all the right things but it will never actually happen.

If I weren't heavily pregnant I'd go out with friends this week end to make myself feel better.

Working hard and paying the mortgage, do not make a man a good partner. Being good with the children should be a given - they are his.

I would make exactly the same level of effort for Father's Day, that he made for Mother's Day - none.

I also think it's time you started demanding some changes - tell him that he is getting up on Saturday with the dc, because it is your turn for a lie in. If he is selfish, sexually, then say so. Don't be passively accepting lack of effort.

Some people are innately selfish - they are not evil people, but they are the kind to put themselves first all the time, if they are allowed to get away with it.

Wrt your friend's baby - not all people grieve the same way. Perhaps he is trying very hard not to think about it, given that you have a child and are pg. Some people do hide their feelings or not let them surface for fear of not being able to cope if they come to the fore. So I wouldn't condemn him outright for that, although he should acknowledge that you are naturally very upset.

My DP lost his best friend in a car accident coming up to 5 years ago now. He kept his feelings well hidden, and on the surface, appeared to not care. He was just burying his head in the sand though and trying to forget it had happened. About 3 months later, he was drunk, and he said something in a conversation (which everyone was having a joke and was light hearted) something along the lines of "Ha, I will ring and ask X then...", then it sort of became real and he just broke down once he realised he couldn't anymore. Maybe your DP is doing the same? Especially with your own baby on its way, it may be affecting him deep down but isn't showing it?

As for the rest, have a word with him. Let him know how you feel. He doesn't sound to be a completely selfish git, but probably doesn't realise so needs a gentle push in the right direction.

There is more to this than him being closed-off over your friends' sad loss I'm afraid

Randomnumbers, thanks for your comment but would you spell out what you mean?

No he's not a completely selfish git, I know he's a good man. He is selfish though without thinking and I resent having to remind him all the time.

Some people are better with bereavement than others... but the other issues do sound worrying. Given that you are heavily pregnant, could you get him to start taking responsibility for the house/existing child(ren)? Frankly he should be offering to do this anyway.

He never helps around the house, or treats you, or lets you lie-in, he's not patient with the children

You blanks you when you try to discuss stuff - walking away is really passive-aggressive behaviour

A relationship shouldn't be such hard work

How long have you been together?

6 years now.

Some men and scared of having sex with a pregnant women. Maybe he thinks he is hurting the baby and thats why he does it so quickly/ clinically?

Men arent very good at reading minds (so they claim) and need to be given precise directions. Perhaps you could tell him your booking the afternoon off to get your hair done and next week go for a manicure? Having a calender where you all put whats going on, and what you expect him to do may help.

Make a rota, for example DH will empty dishwasher every morning and load it last thing at night everyday. Place the list somewhere prominent, where he cant claim to overlook it.

Grab a babysitter/grandparents and go out for dinner. Take the opportunity to talk about your friend. He may find a change of scene is needed before he opens up.

Thanks good tips Nana. Putting up a calendar would help as he usually claims to know nothing about what our plans are for the week end.

He's not frightened with sex, he was the same before I was pregnant.

In fairness I suppose I should also mention I never treat him or arrange to take him out either. But I do take care of absolutely everything regards our home life, children's schools, social life. He goes to work and comes home, and doesn't really have any other duties apart from that. I can't imagine him doing anymore as he's always so tired. He's out of the house for 12 hours a day and does a desk job. All he wants to do in the evening is watch the TV.

Can you tell him you feel low about your friends baby? Make an appointment to sit down and discuss things.

Take turns to plan something nice each weekend and remind him when its his turn to organise things.

Yes and do spoil him on fathers day. Show him a good level of fuss - the amount you would like on Mothers day. Lead by example. When mothers day comes around next remind him a week before hand.

Give him a book about sex and enjoyment for women. Maybe he doesn't know any better but amazon might!

Arrange a weekly child free slot for yourself but call it bonding time for children/father.

Or can you go away for a weekend before the baby arrives so that you can have some time off and he can look after the kids/house and understand the level of work involved with running things.

If hes too tired to do anything, the least he can do is make you a cup of tea and spend some time with you in the evening. Maybe fix a time like 9pm, he make tea and bring the biscuit box over, spend some time talking.

How about doing it the non conventional way, leaving him some post it notes in the bathroom saying if you get flowers on the way home from work tonite you may get lucky? I know you are bargaining and litterally asking him to get you something but over time he will learn and do it automatically.

Well yes I've told him how I'm feeling. Twice now, I've tried to talk to him and he's craned his neck to look at the football on TV. Really upsetting. The other time I was crying and he acted up lie I was doing something terrible to put him out.

He sounds like a real git on here. But actually everyone adores him and thinks he's great in real life!

I think I will do that week end away when I stop breast feeding. His mother and sisters will think I'm a selfish cow though.

Go for it.

Dont worry about his mother and sister. Im sure they will be pleased to spend quality time with the kids

They may even ask you if you would like to do it on a weekly basis!

What about the post it notes?

Everyone may adore him, but they don't have to live with him.

The more I have read, the more I think he needs a good kick up the backside.

Nana has offered better advice I could, as I really wouldn't know where to start apart from actually giving him a kick up the arse.

I hope he sorts his act out for you OP.

I think you should read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and see if you can recognise him in there.

If you talk to him you're 'having a go'.
If you are visibly upset with him rather than angry, would it make a difference?

OP reread your posts pretending someone else has written them.

Your DP doesn't listen to you, won't talk to you.

He doesn't pull his weight at home on weekends or evenings.

You are pregnant and looking after the house and other DC, that's at least as hard as a desk job + commute during the week.

You feel like you are judged by his mother and sisters -- there's some part of you that believes that you deserve to be treated this way by him, like some second-class citizen in your marriage. When in reality you are equal to him. If he's been raised by his mother to believe this, no wonder you are struggling to make yourself heard.

In bed, he is selfish and not interested in your needs or reciprocating.

This is not normal.

You need to read him the riot act. If he won't listen, then make your DC a priority and leave him to it. If he wants to act like a single guy with a couple of kids who are looked after by a nanny all day (you), a house that is looked after by a cleaner (you), meals cooked by a cook (you), his needs in bed serviced by someone (you). Then he can be that single guy and pay for all that stuff. Because you won't be doing it.