To be in a quandary about which school DS1 should start at, anyboby got any advice?? (am really sorry, ended up being v long)

[cubbie]

Sorry if this isn't AIBU, am just feeling very frustrated ATM as the 2 people I want to discuss this with, DH and/or DM are not available and haven't really been that available due to various factors.

Will try not to drip-feed and apologise in advance if this is too long.

DS1 is due to start to school after the summer hols. We have a few options:

School 1: where I teach. (there will be one class of 21 and another of 22)

This would be the easiest obviously, in terms of logistics. The only problem which people have mentioned is that it's not our catchment area and it's probably better if he goes to high school with children he knows from his own area. I wouldn't take him to the high school near my school, purely because I think teenagers should be with their neighbourhhod friends etc IYKWIM . It's an excellent school though.

My other consideration would possibly be behaviour. DS1 is boisterous, wilful and a bit of a handful at time lively and assertive. I am assured that he is perfectly well-behaved in nursery, when with Granny/other people etc. And if I take him out myself, he's no bother, great company.

I KNOW children play their parents up, I can categorically say that after 22 years experience as a teacher. I have often said to parents, Oh your DD/DS is wonderful, perfect etc, and have meant it. I've had parents snort with laughter at this, and some ask me to speak to their child about homework/behaviour etc as they listen to me.

His nursery teacher assures me that he's fine, I know her very well and she knows that my main concern is that he behaves, is polite etc. (DS1 is very articulate, bright, sociable, confident etc, so I've had no concerns in nursery and his teacher wrote all these things in his report. In fact, when he was out the other day with my Mum and Dad, an older man asked if he was at school, was very surprised to be told no, and commented on how well-spoken he was)

This has happened from a young age, people have always been amazed at how clever and articulate he is. Am really not boasting, just trying to paint a picture of a boy who will thrive educationally anywhere, I think, and my school choice isn't influenced by the notion of one school being "better" than another, educationally.

I would be mortified if he came to my school and was considered a pest. I'm not sure how he would react if he passed me in the corridor, saw me in the dinner hall, assembly hall etc. I'm sure I'd always be asking his teacher if he was behaving etc.

Also, I kind of just want him to be his own person, not Mrs Cubbie's little boy, though we have quite a lot of teacher's children and they don't seem to experience any problems.

I am aware of parents feeling resentful when teacher's children are picked for things, but this a 2-sided coin. They shouldn't be not chosen because their mum is a teacher there, and equally they shouldn't be chosen because they are. Although I've been told encouraged in the past to pick a teacher's child for things. However, I have often found, with very few exceptions, that these children are bright and well-behaved, so are ideal for being picked for things.

But I do know for a fact that some parents resent this.

But it would make things much much easier for me if he came, and it would be nice to be able to see him take part in Assemblies etc without having to plead rearrange my day off (i don't work on a Fri.)

School 2: the local school (there will be 2 classes of 25, the maximum size)

I actually taught here and I know the HT very well, he's great, and we always go to their summer fayre and things like that, so DS1 is familiar with it. I'm confident of the staff, teaching etc and was all set for DS1 to go here, I've ordered and paid for various items of logo-ed (is that a word?)uniform, £150 worth, to be exact. (wasn't sure of sizes, DS is tall and was trying to allow for growth, tumble dryer shrinkage etc. whilst thinking if he didn't get much wear out of some things, DS2 would wear them when he starts next year.

BUT, a mum from my DS's nursery has put a spanner in the works. I will call her and her DS Ann and Peter. DS1 and Peter are the only 2 from their nursery to go to this school (due to desired nursery being full when they started but kept them there because we were both very happy with it.) I was glad Peter was going, though am not sure if they were in the same class, that would make sense, and I discussed that with the HT when I enrolled him.

Peter is a quiet boy who would benefit from having a known face with him. DS1 is very confident, friendly and out-going, so it wouldn't concern me if he was the only one from his nursery. Last week, Ann said that Peter wasn't going to that school, she said that she was very concerned at the open afternoon that a lot of the parents were very rough.

She said she lives near them and knows a lot of them well. She was going to try and get Peter into school 3, which is nearby but not as close. I also know the HT here very well, used to live next door to her brother. Ann thought it was a better area and it is, but not dramatically so. Turns out they are full up so it's not an option.

School 4: (there will be 3 classes of about 17, 18 each)

my old primary school and i think there is a bus, it's certainly not within walking distance though that isn't an option for me as I will then be going to work myself, 20 odd mins away. It does have a good name and I know a few teachers there very well (very common for us to know lots of teachers throughout the same authority/area.) Ann told me there are 3 places available. (places available are to do with staffing, one extra child could end up causing a restructure of the whole school plus mean another member of staff being employed.)

She said she went to the open afternoon and it was totally different from school 2, in terms of the parents. (she told me that knows for a fact that some of the parents in school 2 are very shady characters). It IS a better area than where we live ( hate going to the local shops because there is such a lot of litter, dog poo, chewing gum on the pavements. I used to have to hose down the pram wheels when I got home. Also, a number of dodgy-looking characters always about) We live in a quiet part away from the shops and everyone who lives nearby is perfectly respectable and lovely, I have lots of good friends around here.)

I know in life you have to take the rough with the smooth, and you can't handpick your Dc's classmates though i would love to. I know as a teacher how disruptive some children can be, regardless of how "poor" or affluent their family is. And, yes, we all need to learn how to rub along with others.

I also know that bright children will generally thrive anywhere, with parental support and the right attitude. I hope I don't come across as a snob, I really amn't, I just suddenly found myself questioning my original decision of school 2. Ann was very adamant that these parents were rough, she lives very near them.

Funnily enough, we do have a bit of a "rough" element in my own school; I can think of at least 5 pupils over the years who've had a father in prison, and we've had various parents in the local paper for drink/drug related offences. We also have some very "good" families, it's a real mix. The teachers whose children come here, some would be heer anyway, some are placing requests.

My school has a very good name and we get a lot of placing reqests anyway. We also got an outstanding HMI report 4 years ago. I obviously know all the staff very well and am very very confident in the school as a whole.

I did think that maybe DS1 could start school 2 as planned, then both DS could come with me next year as I'd have logistical problems then. My issue then would be about them attending high school in our own area and maybe not know anyone when they start, htough they are both friendly and sociable.

Although maybe by then, I'd imagine that I'd allow them out to play without constant supervsion so they would be getting to develop relationships with their future freindship group. I think.

I really am in a quandary and would appreciate and advice/suggestions/variables I haven't of. I've lurked here for ages, posted the odd reply but please be gentle with me, no flaming please!!!

I'm sorry it's so long, anyone reading it has probably lost the will to live by now!!!DH has just arrived home unexpectedly so I will need to jump up and look busy!!!! TIA if anyone can be bothered to reply, and sorry can't check for mistakes now. (was actually good for me to write that all down, helping me to clarify)

OMG! That was an epic! DH unexpectedly got home early so am going out, need to get my phone fixed.

I lost the will to live myself just looking at the length of my post! Yikes!

I wouldn't worry too much about high school because they make new friends then anyway. If its a big school there will be plenty of children that don't know each other when they start, so I would try and take this out of your mond as much as you can for now.

Best to focus on the here and now.

I also think you should try and separate what is best for your ds from how you woudo feel if he is ever disruptive. You obviously like the school and trust your colleagues to deal with whatever arises. Try and think about why you feel the way you do about him attending your school.

I'm not sure that I understand completely, but surely you can't be letting thoughts of who your children will know at high school influence your choice of infant school? Or have I read that wrong?

I think the easiest thing t do would be to send the children to the school that you teach at, and stop worrying about what any one else thinks.

Including me, obviously..

good grief I got through half of that before I decided that DS should go to your school. You won''t be happy with the others and high school is high school...they don't ALL go to the same school!

It sounds like you are letting Ann decide where your son goes to school. Personally I would have visited all the schools and decided for myself which was best for my son.
Don't understand how you have so much choice though and won't you have accepted the place by now?

I am a work at the school my DCs attend. I would say that it will be easier for you to have them at your school, and you'll also have a greater insight into exactly how they are doing at school and be able to impact on things in a low key (a quick word to a CA can sort out a little problem). It's different from you because mine were already at the school when I came, and older, so not likely to "need" me in the course of the day.

This is the upside. The downside is that if they are behaving badly, you'll know about it, in a way which you'd probably not get to hear about normally. Which can be mortifying for them (and you ). BUT OTOH, the fact your colleagues know you will mean you can have more open discussions about what to do about it - theres goodwill and hopefully less scope for defensiveness on either side.

I'd say, have them at your school, but set some clear boundaries. You would rather not know about anything in the course of the school day (unless it is good). keep your contact with them as low-key as you can. Obviously, other DCs will learn that you are their mum, but in their own time. If another child talks to you about your child at school, refer them to their class teacher or CA. Whilst at working at school you are not their mum, as far as the other pupils go.

I'd never ever have my child attend a school I work at. I'm aware many do, and are fine but it just wouldn't be for me.

How is it that you are able to pick and choose between three schools? We have only just got my daughter into one (and the one closest to home she is number 25 on the wait list for??). Sorry I know that's not what you were asking but am just wondering. Personally if they are all good schools, and you'd be happy with any then I am a bit of a "leave it to fate sort of person" and let life sort itself out. I do think things happen for a reason.

I think you should stop worrying about what other people think, say or do and decide what is best for you and ds.

It's quite a luxury to have so much choice.

I went to the same school where my mum was teaching. It was convenient, but both my mum and I have agreed it was the worst thing for both of us!

Chewing gum on the pavements?

Cubbie - you can't even decide what size uniform to buy!

Forget which of your adult friends works in or has DC in the schools. Give each school a score out of 3 depending on how the educational approach, the ethos and the facilities will suit your child.

Then pick that school.

Friendships change on a sixpence, they can have friends in the neighbourhood and friends at home - you are picking his education, not his social circle.

I too am confused as to how you have so much choice?

However, as a teacher myself I would be reluctant to send my DC to the same school I work in.

What is your objection to school 2 (I am assuming that is the one that you have the place offered for)? As far as I can tell it is because of Ann and her fears that the parents are a bit rough?!

My DC attend a school like that, however the majority of the parents are lovely normal people. I think you need to consider more fully what the schools offer in terms of educational ethos and approaches, rather than what everyone thinks...

Don't worry about seniors yet. Lots can happen between then and now. Forget schools 3 and 4 and basically decide whether its better for him to go to the school you teach in or school 2 (with or without Peter!)
If you are ok about having him in your school then that would probably make life easier (though you will have wasted money on uniform!) If you prefer him to not be in your school, then go with your initial choice. Ann's priorities are probably quite different to yours, given that her child is not so confident and outgoing.

The school I work at frequently has teacher's children coming to it, as it's the best in the area.

If you think it's the best, then put your child there. If you're worried about having to teach your own child, then ensure he/she calls you Mrs Cubbie, and you'll find you switch off to the fact he/she's yours apparently.

It's worked for at least six children that I know of.

Reading your post, school 2 stands out for me. I dont believe parents and children should work and be pupils at the same one. Imo, each needs their own space and sense of belonging and space.
Your son sounds like mine and there is no way i would contemplate him being a pupil in the same school i teach at. You said yourself, he responds better to other adults away from you.
Give him a chance!!

Yikes!!! I'm very sorry for disappearing! I took the opportunity to escape from my DC go and get my phone sorted out and do a bit of trailing round the shops while I had the chance.

I checked when I got home about 9.45 and there were no replies so I went off and had a good cry thought, serves you right for writing such a long boring convoluted post.

I'm really surprised at all the replies, I mean to get so many, not at what they say, so thanks everyone. I've read them all and there are a lot of good points. I'm sorry that i'm too tired to reply properly/individually now, spent ages sorting my phone and was just about to shut down and go get a glass (my first of the week!) of wine and watch the season finale of Dexter, when I noticed them all.

I really thought my OP had just quietly slipped off the radar!

The reason I seem to have so much choice is that where I am, you can make a placing request. I'd be practically guaranteed a place in my own school (Roman Catholic)and definitely in school 2, which is the RC school for our area, and I want him to go to a RC school.

Yes, he has been enrolled and accepted already into school 2, but I know myself how things can change. I was supposed to have a new pupil start in my class a couple of months ago. Am still waiting for someone to tell me where they went to!

I'll try and get back online tomorrow and reply properly, but it may be difficult as I'm going to get my hair done and go for dinner with Dh, an unexpected night out! My Mum is taking the boys out during the day and I'm hoping for a long lie in the morning. Am still going to go and watch Dex just now!

So I apologise in advance for not being around much tomorrow and again, I am sorry for "disappearing", it wasn't intentional.

The bits in bold were meant to be struck through, doh!! (did say i was tired)

Finally getting a chance to come back! Was hungover tired yesterday so didn't go online.

Thanks, you all helped me to make a decision, and yes, it does seem daft in retrospect to base my original choice on possible high school friendships! And I shouldn't have let Ann cloud my own judgement.

I would be very happy for DS1 to go to our local school, but it will be almost impossible very difficult for me to get him there and back. I'm very confident in the school (it does help when you're a teacher as you get to know different schools and tecahers etc) BUT too hard to get to.

SO........ I made the decision today (talked to DH and DS1 about it, of course) to take him to school with me. I have put in the placing request, time is very tight, but as the HT says, we have room in our school so it won't be a problem.

Several of our staff have children at the school, and I've been asking them for advice, pros and cons etc. Everyone agrees with me it's for the best. I'm VERY confident of the education he would receive. I will just tell his teacher not to stand for any nonsense from him at all.

As a staff, we don't tend to tell each other about any minor misdemeanours, as we wouldn't be out telling other parents about every single wrongdoing. But obviously, if there was a problem, we would.

I have told DS1 he is coming to school with me and I have said, the HT will only let you if you are a good boy, make eye-conatct when an adult is speaking, take more responsibility for yourself etc etc.

The HT of the local school where he is enrolled was very disappointed and kept asking if there was another reason. I said no, it was pureply logistics. I felt bad as I've known him for 22 years, and DS1 was all set, but I have to do what is right for me at the end of the day.

When I say me, I ultimately mean my DS. I don't think he'd get any better or worse an education in either school, Im confident of each. But it's nice to know all the teachers well, I do consider them to be friends as well as colleagues, we all get on very well and have great nights out etc.

I realise I am lucky to have the choice. Thanks again to everyone who replied, and sorry for taking so long to gte back to you all.

I think you should visit the schools yourself. Yes I'm sure Ann does know there are shady characters at school 2 i agree. Personally I'd be drawn by school 4. You don't seem comfortable having DS in your school.

Thanks, skyblupearl

I actually do know the other schools well enough due to having either worked in them, or attended as a pupil. Plus, I have a teacher friend in school 4 whom I trust to give me an honest account. The problem with school 4 would again be getting my DS there and back. That's my overall problem, tbh.

I've pondered all the possibilities back and fore for the last few weeks and pestered asked my friend whose children go to school 2, the local school.

No matter how I look at it , it eventually all comes down to the logistics of me getting DS there.

I wasn't that comfortable originally about having DS in my school, but am warming to the idea. I actually think it'll be nice to see him about, but yes, it will be a learning curve for us both.

However, it has worked out very well for numerous teachers in my school, so I'm sure I can make it work for me. Thanks for taking the trouble to read such a long post and reply! (going to bed now)