To not go to my friends funeral

[WhiteWidow]

Some of you may have read last week about my friend killing himself, well it's his funeral on Tuesday.

Thing is, I don't want to go. Since he's died people have crawled out of the woodwork, including people who hated him who now suddenly 'love' him and have been professing this love all over Facebook and to the papers and everyone else who will listen.

To back up a bit, one of my very close friends also killed himself 5 years ago and the same thing happened. It made me so angry because I went to his funeral to see girls who had spat on him and boys who had beat him up sat there. People who didnt know him from adam sat sharing stories that i know never even existed. Some of them got drunk and ended up fighting afterwards. It was a farce. Why do people suddenly pretend to care when someone dies? Maybe if they'd have cared when they were alive they'd still be here.

I don't think I can cope with a repeat of that, My heads a mess.

Am I being selfish? Am I being silly? Should I just accept that these people have the right to do this? I know I'm being stupid somewhere down the line, I think I just need someone to tell me so I can give my head a big massive wobble.

It sounds like I'm trying to say other people haven't got a right to grieve for him, I'm not. It's just that if these people had been nice to him when he was alive maybe he wouldn't have taken that way out. I wish I could have banged all their heads together do he might still be here!!!

Do you think I should go?

God I'm stupid. Sorry for waffling on and thankyou for replies in advance.

I don't think you are being selfish or silly to feel the way you do. I know exactly what you mean about people coming out of the woodwork. I had to keep quiet at one relatives funeral when people started claiming to care so much yet they hadnt been in contact for years.

I do think you should go though, ignore the 'clingers on' you are mourning and I think down the line if you don't go you could well regret it.

I agree it must be galling to think you would see people you know didn't actually help or support him there.

However this is your choice about what would comfort you. Some folks go to show sympathy & support for the family even if they don't know the deceased terribly well.

No-one "should" ever go to a funeral, IMHO, but they can be very uplifting as well as sad, some like you say end in a fight which is horribly undignified.

Maybe going to a nice quiet beautiful place at the time the funeral is on (hopefully in sunshine!) & say your own farewells ?

So sorry to hear you are feeling like this and I don't know what the answer is. Would you regret not going to the funeral in the future do you think? I wondered if perhaps you could go to the funeral, but not to whatever is organised afterwards? I think on balance you probably should go, for your friend and for their family (if they have any?)... armed with what you know, you can prepare your self to ignore, ignore, ignore as best you can maybe? Are there lots of other good mutual friends going as well that you could stick with or even one other? You are not stupid at all and I am sorry for your loss.

Personally I find it easier to grieve if I go to the funeral. I would make a point of going to the actually funeral but then going straight home to avoid any nonsense, but no one has to go to funerals, it's entirely your choice but you might regret it at a later date.

Sorry for your loss x

Go along, sit at the back, pay your respects and leave without acknowledging any of these insipid people.

I'm so sorry about your friend. I too have experienced suicide and it's a terrible thing for everyone to go though.

Sorry for your loss whitewidow. There are always people who like to be at the centre of a drama, and unfortunately, death and dying seems to bring them out of the woodwork.

I think personally I would go to the funeral - if you don't go and regret it later, there will be nothing you can do to remedy the situation. You might also derive some comfort from being in the company of others who do genuinely mourn your friend's death.

I think Mrs Hercule's and Valium's suggestion is a good one. But leaving aside the people you're talking about, do you want to go to the funeral yourself, either for your own grieving or to support your friend's family? I think that might be a good place to start. Think about what will make you feel better - maybe bossy's idea might suit you best.

I am so sorry.

Please try to think about what your friend would want you to do - would he want you to be there? And think about what you want to do - will it help you to grieve, will you regret it later if you don't go? Rather than than focusing on the other people who are there. It's not about them, it's about you and your friend and what has been lost.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Am not surprised you feel like this. Must be an apalling situation to be in.
The thing with funerals though, is that the person they are commemorating just isn't there anymore. There's nothing wrong with not going, if it's the right thing for you. But if you don't go, how will you feel?

They are a way of letting go, saying goodbye, and accepting what's happened. Maybe people go who never gave any impression of caring becuase they've begun to realise how badly they behaved, or whatever. But it doesn't matter, you can only deal with your own feelings, pointless to try and guess those of people you don't know well or like very much. FWIW, I'm not sure a group of people being nicer would stop someone from committing suicide -surely at that level of depression you're pretty far beyond social niceness helping you out?

I think you might feel less of a mess if you did go, because you would get the time to reflect and then let go. You could go to the service, keep clear of anyone else, and not go to the "do" afterward.

So sorry for what's happened.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend

You might regret not going, both for yourself, for your friend and for his family and other close friends.

Those other people are irrelevant.

Thankyou for your replies everyone, I'm reading and re-reading, they're a big help right now. Sometimes I think when I feel like this input from others gets me straight

I know excatly how you feel.
About 10 years ago my mum's best friends son died. Me and him were excatly the same age and the mums were friends for years before they got pregnant.
THe lad made some bad choices when he was in his 30's and he died.
His funeral was awful.

However I was there with the memories of us growing up and being daft teenagers together. I was able to hug his mum, dad, step -mum and step - dad who all loved him and tried their best to support him.

I was there for them not the divs and chavs who turned up in their trackies, shouting into their mobiles and wearing their iPods. Bastards who didn't know how to conduct themselves and just added to the families grief.

These were the same people who hounded him and beat him up and took the piss for years.

I am glad I went but hated what I saw.

Oh i'm so sorry for you.

I wouldn't go - I would remember him in my own way, either going to a different Church or by going for a long walk or something where I could stop, think about him, say my private goodbyes and have a good cry if I wanted to.

I don't believe anyone should feel obliged to go to anyones funeral, it's a matter of personal choice.

So sorry for your losses OP.

I can see why you wouldn't want to go as it must hurt to see people who didn't give a shit about your friend make out like they did. That'd make me very angry and upset.

I do think you'll regret not going though more than you'd regret attending. At least you can go safe in the knowledge that you were his friend and cared about him. A lot of those people who treated your other friend badly only went to his funeral only went to make themselves feel better about what utter shits they were to him.

Just an update : I didn't go. I couldn't. I ended up working overtime instead to keep my mind off things. I'm going up to him tomorrow and do my own thing, in my own way. Spoken to his family too and they understand. I've not heard anything about the funeral but no doubt there'll be facebook updates about it that I haven't read yet.

Thankyou again everyone. Much appreciated x

That sounds like a much better plan for you. Hope you are able to come to terms with your loss in the way that suits you best.

Hope you are ok, glad you came to a decision. I do know exactly what you mean, its almost gruesome.

I missed the funeral of someone I went to school with for fear of looking like a hanger on. I regret it. We weren't friends in adult life but went through school together and worked together. We were never in the same group of friends but he was such a bloody nice guy, everyone liked him.

Go, you might regret not.

Crap I really should read the whole thread.

What you're doing sounds lovely.

Sometimes I think grief has become a bit of a competition. To me it's a very private thing.

I hate this competitive grieving that goes on now. I think your friend would want you to do what is right for you, and not what you feel you should do.