How would you deal with this situation?.

[rainclouds]

Sil and I have a tense relationship she has a problem with my son,he was the first born and feels angey he is the favourite,he is which is not our fault or his,this has led to some awkward moments when we all get together with mil and fil.

She is very competative in everything ,her kids have to be compared to mine,and it always involves mil,it drives me crazy to the point I dont want to be around her dc's or her.

If we get together in any social situation she has been quick to shout at my son ,I feel she dislikes him and picks on him,untill I shouted at her ,she will never tell her kids of ,just turn a blind eye where I will tell my kids of if they have done anything wrong.

I have to see her at school and I feel I can not speak to her anymore as it really winds me up,with her put downs and stirring with mil.

How do I deal with this as we have stopped going to social events as it winds me up to the point I want to ask her what her problem is?.

I just can not relax and I dont want my kids to be part of a silly competation,aibu.

What would you do?.

I'd ask her what her problem is.

I would ask her what her problem is.

I think you should talk to MIL. She knows her daughter best so can explain (assuming you're close) the best 'strategies' to deal with her.

My question would be how obvious is it that your DS is the fave? If it's unfairly obvious then that needs to stop.

Sorry you're going through this! Family ate. Hugs

*Family, aye.

he was the first born and feels angey he is the favourite,he is which is not our fault or his

Can you expand on this a little please? How does it come across that your son is the favourite? Does he get bought more expensive gifts? Is there more time and fuss made over him?

What are the ages of the children?

That's what I meant to say Numberlock, I just didn't know how to be as tactful as you!

My DP is the favourite. To the point there are more of his school photos hanging in his mothers house than DP's brother. BIL now has to outdo DP in EVERYTHING, even things he has no experience in.

'Obvious' favouritism can truly hurt people. Your SIL is most likely very hurt at her mother deep down and it's easier to resent your family than her own mother.

She 'feels he is the favourite, which he is"

I agree with earlier posters, and think you should work with her to persuade your MIL and FIL to cut out whatever it is they do which displays this.

I've noticed that often where grandparents make it obvious that they have a favourite grandchild, they are repeating the same pattern that they started with their own children.

If your dh/dp was the family favourite growing up then this might explain why SIL is so competitive.

Its not her mum we are the dil's,when we get together for social events she would pick on my son,she looked like once she was going to hit him,fil intervened before I could get up ,he would get blamed for everything.

Fil will take him away from the situation so he could not get blamed,her dd just cries and whinges about him all the time,I just cant be around her kids she waits till I work and get togther with mil.
They treat the kids the same for presents,xmas,she makes note to the exact pence what has been spent and will ask mil as well how much she has spent.

I have taken a step back with childcare as she asks them all the time,I dont ask anymore as I feel it takes the piss,she lets her get away with it .

I cant say the ages of the kids it will give me away,sorry.

Im not sure if son is favourite but fil takes him away as protection so may look like favouritism I dont know ,they know it upsets me for him being blamed all the time.

My dp was defianley not the favourite and still isnt.

I'm confused, rainclouds, can you give us some specific examples of things that have happened that give the impression that your son is favoured over SILs kids?

I guess i cant really,its just she thinks it and I have started to belive it,I know fil oes have a deep bond with him.

What should I do?,as christmas is coming up and we are getting married,only going of alone but tempted not to do anything when we get back as its to much effort,and grief.

I had a situation a tiny bit like this, but with my DB. He was over-fond of telling off DS2, especially when DS2 was playing with his son. DS2 then told me that he thought DB didn't like him as he was always telling him off. I told DB this, who was shocked and the situation has been much better since then. However, it was my DB and not my SIL (who's great, btw).

Perhaps you could mention it to SIL, or don't you get on with her enough to mention it? Perhaps she doesn't realise she's doing it. It would clear the air, anyway.

I feel we will have to talk about it sooner or later,I just dont want it to be made out Im the bad guy she has a way of doing this.

I don't know what to think to be honest. In your OP, you said your DS was the favorite, but in other posts you're not so sure he actually is the favorite, but maybe he appears to be when your FIL protects him from his cousins.
In the first case, I think your PILs need to learn about treating their grandchildren fairly. In addition, you could try and get your SIL not to take her understandable hurt on your DS, because it is not his fault he is favourite.
In the second scenario, SIL is just being competitive and mean, and needs to be told to stop.

Thank you Catus you have hit the nail on the head about whether he is the favourite not the favourite im just trying to understand from her point of view I guess.

I Guess I need to talk to her and say the way I feel and leave the ball in her court,as you said this is not my ds fault or ours.

When she shouts at your DS, say 'There's no need for that, thank you' and leave it at that. Do it every time she shouts at him.

And also speak to your in-laws about treating their grandchildren equally. My mum favours my sisters' children over mine (although she vehemently denies it) and it does cause friction and upset between my sister and I