to be thinking about a third

[ThePleaser]

So DD1 is 2.2 y/o. DD2 is 4 weeks old tomorrow. i am 39 years old. i have a host of blood clotting issues that make pregnancy high risk for me and the bub, that only get worse as i get older. i have had 4 miscarriages since we started actively TTC 7 years ago. I also have a step daughter who is 9 years old but is only with us every second weekend and one day a week.

given DD2 is still is in the tiny baby stage i shouldn't be even thinking about having another but i am. I am acutely aware of my age and that if i am to have another it will realistically need to be in the next 18-24 months but if i do have another it would have significant financial and family consequences for us all. Specifically;

*it would pretty much screw my career. Am currently on maternity leave for the second time. My company are old school and have only ever had 3 other women go on maternity leave and never had them take a second round of leave. People were flabbergasted when i announced i was pregnant for a second time. If i informed them of a third pregnancy i am pretty sure my CEO's head would explode.

*It would scupper our plans for our extension/house renovation. If i was on ML for an extra 6-12m there is no way we could prudently afford to go ahead with the renovation of our house. The extra space we were planning would make a huge difference to living in our house. Even after i went back to work the additional child care costs would eat up my salary completely. it would make justifying the extension very difficult.

*We would need a bigger car. We currently have a rather large estate and can barely fit the 3 DD's in as it stands. We went to Cornwall for the last half term and with the dog, the buggy plus luggage we had to get DSD to travel down with friends as there just wasn't enough room for her to travel comfortably. Adding a fourth and we would be in people mover territory.

*DSD would never have her own room here. DSD used to have her own room. Now that DD2 is here she is sharing her old room with DD1. We had planned with the extension that we would put an extra bedroom on and DSD would have her own room again. If the extension is cancelled/delayed that wouldn't happen. If she and DD1 were closer in age i wouldn't think it was such a problem but am aware that DSD is fast approaching teenagerdom (the signs are all there) and will not want to be sharing with a toddler.

*The extra childcare costs would pretty much negate my salary if i went back to work.

All of this suggests strongly that having a third baby is a very bad idea. Logically i know this but still when i think about christmas dinner in years to come, it seems to me that there is someone missing. I really want another baby.

DH is not keen but i know if i were to twist his arm a bit he would agree.

AIBU? How do others reconcile the logic with the emotion?

Please forgive the rambly nature and spelling mistakes. Have had a whole glass of wine and with the sleep deprivation it has made me all wobbly.

I think there is something that clicks in your head when you are done. I knew after having my first 2 I needed a third. I have had the third and now know I am done. I think 3 is a lovely number - you can live in a normal ish sized house and use a normal car. The difference for you is those 3 would sometimes be 4 and 4 seens to be a tipping point.

if the itch needs scracthing then do it. I've found we rarely regret having them - more people regret not having them. But if 4 is a strecthc too far (your step daughter is a big part of your family - then maybe stop now)

I really want another baby. Am I right? Do you have a 4 week old? Just enjoy the one you have.

I get this - it's my version of the baby blues. I start thinking about the next one. Having a baby is a pretty exciting time. But - you've got one. Enjoy her first year, go back to work, and then think about it.

Agree with the previous posters- this is an a exciting hormonal time. Enjoy your little ones. Get back to work and then think about a 3rd.

I have 3, it's a fantastic family size, but not without it's challenges, and I think, given your health issues, not a decision to be made lightly in the euphoria on the newborn period.

Ultimately you need to have a real deep think about the risks of leaving your two gorgeous babies potentially without their mum, versus you need for a 3rd child. you can't do that sort of thinking now.

I think I understand where you are coming from.

I am 38 yrs old with 3 and 1 yr DSs.

I also feel there is "someone" still missing from our family and that 3 children just feels right somehow.

However DH would be very happy to stop at 2 and really is not keen on us having another baby. I could perhaps convince him to try for a third but i know this would be risky as he might be quite resentful at having been possibly pressured into it.

Also stopping at 2 probably makes sense financially. We are comfortable though a little stretched financially at the moment. I know an extra child would put an extra strain on this and require sacrifices in other areas of our lives...

But, but, I would so love to have my third child.

So no advice really OP but marking my place to hear of other experiences and thoughts.

3 children is too many IMO. You are increasing the population size. 2 is ok, 1 is best.

It's looking increasingly likely that DH's sister will never have children - she's said in the past that she doesn't want any, and is now in her late 30's.

If DH and I had 3 children, wouldn't that just be taking part of her unused '2 children before increasing the population size' allowance?

It doesn't work like that. Far too many people have too many kids. A woman I know of is pregnant with her fifth. She has never worked and is utterly reliant on benefits. For every hard-working couple that live responsible lives, there is a totally feckless parent or parents breeding without thought for the future of their children or indeed the country. They just expect "the government" or "society" to sort everything out.

A agree to a certain extent Josephine - there are a proportion of people who just seem to keep on breeding regardless of the consequences. In some cases (that I have actually heard directly from the horses mouth) they do it purely to get more benefits. Amazing that they think this actually covers the cost of raising another child!

However, your view is pretty limited IMO, we have 3 and I certainly don't expect the government to contribute to raising our children

We had 3 as we felt, like others on here, that we weed not quite 'done' at 2.

3 is just right for our family. Emotionally, practically and financially it's working out very well.

It's different for each familiy though, some feel 1 is all they want and others successfully raise 4 or more..

Oh also meant to ask why 1 is 'best' as a blanket statement? Just curious as it's quite a strange pov. Unless perhaps you are from china.. But even then pretty extreme.

The population problem isn't about benefits - it's about the finite number of resources and space we have. You know - food crops, oil, water, that kind of thing. This is a real problem. Maybe we should be thinking like China did. If their population starts consuming like we do - which some of them are - we are seriously screwed, in our children's lifetimes if not ours.

(stops banging drum)

You have a 4 week old. Forget about having another child for at least a year. Then think very carefully.

What springs to mind is your health issues, by all means go for it, but what if you end up in hospital for months. Have you got care in place, if you are ill through out.

i have a host of blood clotting issues that make pregnancy high risk for me and the bub

Got this far, you're a fucking idiot if you have another. You already have children who need you. FFS.

Ye, I agree cockwomble, I think she has answered her own question. eg house extension, work etc.

I've just read through what everyone else has written...there's only me & melika that pointed out your health risks.

I do not understand why you would put your own selfish craving for another child ahead of being there for the children you already have, plus the fact you don't have room and you can't afford it.

Why would you risk leaving the children you have with no mother?

I understand the way u feel op, I'm 35 with two dc's 4 and 16 months. I would love another however dh is adamant we stick at 2. Like u there are health implications as both dc2 and myself nearly died and this is too big a risk for us to take. The thought of leaving my beautiful dc's without a mum is too painful to contemplate, as is losing a child (which nearly happened with dc2) Tbh now that my little one is getting bigger, sleeping better etc the need for another is getting less and less so I wonder how much has been hormone induced! So although I understand your pov I think u and your family have too much to lose. Try to enjoy ur family and perhaps rethink in 12 months when ur hormones have settled a bit.

I wouldn't have put it quite as strongly as Cockwomble, but I agree with her. I know of someone who went on to have a third child even though each pregnancy was very traumatic. The last baby nearly killed her. She has never enjoyed good health since her last child and is still having operations as a result of that last pregnancy (which was 10 years ago).

I think the fear of not being able to look after my children, or even worse, leaving them motherless would be the deal breaker for me. Also, I realise it is easy for me to say because I have never had an irrational yearning for a child.

Apologies for the harshness, it's a bit of a frustrating subject in a personal way

Think you need to wait & clear your head before you make this decision. When I'd had my 2nd I felt really sad that he would be our last & felt quite broody-jog on to now when he is 8 months & at the incredibly frustrated whiny stage because he really wants to be mobile but has yet to suss out how to crawl & you couldn't make me have another, we are so definitely done!!!

Also your health issues are a concern & should be seriously thought about for the sake of the children you are already lucky enough to have

I get this too. I always thought I would have 2, and cleverly managed to have one of each flavour, but as soon as dd arrived (literally, that night, on my own in the hospital with her, barely 12 hours old) I realised that I definitely wasn't done, and that I wanted a 3rd.

It was the only point at which I got actively broody, and the feeling lasted right through until DD was 18 months and I got pg again.

On the plus side, #3 was a great decision for us, so I would generally be very encouraging. And I knew as soon as dd2 arrived that I was done, and our family was complete.

On the other hand, I had had (thankfully) no previous complications, and 2 previous easy pgs, and I still spent the whole of my 3rd pg convinced that statistically I was pushing my luck....and I was 'only' 36 when I had dd2.

And 3 dcs fit fine in our beaten up mondeo. And dcs1 &2 share a room, so we have enough space for dc3 and a spare room for guests/office space.

And my job coped (just....) with a 3rd ML.

Given all the factors you've listed, though, I'd suggest you sit tight and give it some time. If you get back to work and you're still desperately broody, then give it proper consideration in 12 months time. But don't rush into anything right now....

You need to think very carefully about this. I never felt quite 'done' after my second and DH felt the same. However I left a large gap between my 2 youngest and am now in my late 30's with a pre teen, 6yo and a 4 month old baby.
Now I have healthy, relativley easy pregnancies and births no major issues, just insane heartburn in the later stages. but... The pregnancy and birth took so much out of me! In my first 2 pregnancies I bounced back, up on my feet within a couple of days, this time it's been so much harder. My body is taking longer to recover and even though baby is sleeping through I'm shattered. This is me with no real health problems!
My advice would be to get through the first year with your 2DC's then think about it again. Making a decision in the new baby haze is not a good thing.
So YABU, at the moment.
And FWIW, we don't expect the government to provide for us, DH works out of the home and I work in it.

Size of house, size of car, restricted finances shouldn't be reasons for you to not have a third. Everything would work out, you'd tighten your belt financially. Everyone would muck in and you'd cope. We have three. We don't do foreign holidays. We can't afford to do lots of things families with fewer children can, but my children have lovely supportive siblings.

However, I think for you, OP, the overriding issue is your health. Forget everything else. Any decision has to be made taking the health implications into account. Your youngest is still very young. You might find your views have changed over the next few months.

I was very keen to have another baby immediately after having both my children. This lasted a few months then slowly receded so by the time they were a year old I was more of the opinion 'God no way could I cope at the moment'. I wondered if the urge to immediately reproduce again was instinctual /hormonal/ something primitive.

Only you can decide what's best, but you certainly don't have to make a decision right now. Make the most of your current newborn (congratulations!) and don't take the shine off this time by feeling you have to make an agonising decision right now.

If I were you I would defer it for a while, give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, and rule nothing in or out at the moment.

Thanks for all the replies. Cockwomble, no worries about the harshness. i get what you were trying to say. my skin is thick enough to take the odd dose of reality .

fillybuster has described pretty much exactly how i feel. I was literally sat in the postnatal ward and i realised that this would be the last time i was here and i just knew then that i wanted a third. Ridiculous i know.

As regards the health issues, the risk for me is for a DVT and the pain of another lost pregnancy. The risk to the baby is miscarriage caused by clotting but those risks (both for me and the bub) are managed very effectively by anticoagulant therapy and regular monitoring by my consultant. The issue is that the older i get the less effective the therapy can be. I guess that is why i am feeling the need to make a decision quickly. The big 40 is looming and it feels like a bit of a cut of point iyswim.

I think you are all right in that i need to take a deep breath, rule nothing out, give it 12 months and see how i feel then.