Help! I'm at the end of my tether...

[angelfacefromspace]

Hi everyone, I hope someone can help me. I am a single parent to a 17 year old daughter who since the age of 9 has been troublesome.

In the past eight years she has been excluded from school for being disruptive, fighting, you name it. I've been to court with her three times for stealing, abh and a public order offence, paid her fines, supported her with referral orders etc. She has stolen from me a number of times. Involved herself in risky behaviour, drinking, drugs, relationships with older boys. She lies to me constantly.

I have sought help for her in a drugs/alcohol worker, involved social services because I fear for her and she will not listen to me.

She has everything she needs, we have a nice home, I pay for the contract on her phone, clothes, make-up, pocket money (which she spends on cigarettes), yet seemingly this is not enough for her. Whereas her father gives nothing towards her keep and washed his hands of her the first time she went to court.

But again last night I discovered she has stolen a large amount of money from me again. I am distraught and feel I cannot cope with her any longer and that she really cannot give a stuff about me if she can still do this after everything. I want her to leave as I feel I cannot live with her anymore. Would it be wrong of me to say enough is enough?

Any thoughts or advice would be gratefully received.

DIdn't want to read and run but I have no advice, I am sorry. I have little ones at the moment.

I think you should stop with the buying her things and giving her money though. If she's old enough to behave like a adult (or not!) then she's old enough to earn her own money.

I see the bond between child and mother as a marriage sometimes, perhaps try some seperation, mediation etc, before talking about divorce.

Good luck, you sound so sad.

Oh, I said I had no advice and then gave some. I'm an eejit!

I really don't know what I'm talking about though and dread this stage of motherhood. My sister was much the same. She and mother came through it - barely. Mum took a hard line stance - although they have their troubles still...

When she stole from you before, did you STOP buying her phone credit, clothes, make-up etc until she had 'worked off' what she had stolen?

My 14yo DD punched a hole in my door 2 weeks ago, and is not going to get anything financial from me until she has paid me back, for the door and the handyman to fit it.

She has to learn that her actions have consequences, what consequences were there for your DD stealing from you? There is no mention in your OP of what she had to do to pay you back? Or to earn your trust back?

I think you should stop with the buying her things and giving her money though. If she's old enough to behave like a adult (or not!) then she's old enough to earn her own money

I couldnt agree more!

Sorry, my DS is only 9 so not been down the teenage road yet

You are giving her everything and its not worked so now clamp down.

Is there anywhere else she could go for a while...she will realise life is not so rosy without mum there to bail her out every 5 minutes, you will ultimately be doing her a favour.

Good luck!

I've no useful advice (my children are tiny, I've no experience of teenagers) but CM's family therapy idea sounds sensible.
You might find that this is better posted in Teenagers rather than AIBU, too, to get helpful advice rather than polarised opinions.

Thanks everyone. Last time she had priviledges stopped ie, grounded, phone taken off her, no pocket money etc - nothing seems to have any effect.

I've posted it in Teenagers too. I'm new to this site so bear with me.

You seem very focused on money angel. Have you sat down and talked to her about where her life is going? Her behaviour sounds to me like that of someone who is really really struggling with life.

Yes of course I have sat down and talked to her about where her life is going, on many, many occasions. I've also taken her to counselling, Connexions etc. She started college last September to do her NVQ level 2 but dropped out without telling me, I found out three weeks later.

And I am focused on money because it is tight as my one wage has to support us both, she knows this and because of her actions we have £40 to last us two weeks until pay day to buy food and fuel for me to get to work etc.

She's not the only one struggling with life believe me.

In that case I would agree with the others that it's time to stop supplying her with money.

What has she said when you've asked her about why she's behaving this way?

I would stop giving her money and paying her phone contract otherwise she is being rewarded for her bad behavior and not punished. These are all things that need to be earned in my opinion.

I would also up the security on my bank / cards etc.... get a safe if you need to.

She just says sorry all the time, she won't do it again - that's if she admits to it anyway. Other times she'll deny it altogether. Sometimes I can see a glint of remorse in her eyes, but not often.

Sorry if I'm off the mark but your last reply makes me think that the talks you've had with her tend to be accusatory, which is understandable given her behaviour. What I'm wondering have you sat down with her and had a calm, loving talk where you delve into how she's feeling?

Lock away all valuables. Withdraw all non essential financial support. Tell her you love her. Start thinking about options for alternative accommodation for her once she's over 18.

I have two sons in their twenties. Ds2 was an absolute nightmare of a teenager due to the horrendous divorce from his father. He's 21 and just lovely now.

I know you must be absolutely furious with her, but if you want to get to the bottom of this then you really need to step back and calm down. There has to be a reason why she behaves like this and you need her to be communicating with you. Could it be related to her dad?

Can you give the counselling another go? Some family counselling could be v useful x

I used to work for a youth offending team and having seen numerous desperate parents with kids on referral orders.

My first tip would be to look out for any parenting groups run by the YOT or social services. They tend to be a good forum for parents to share tips and experience.

Secondly, you need to be consistent with her and give her clear targets to fulfill, in by a certain time and no drinking in the week and a clear sanction, if she fails to fulfill it. Rather than 'behave better.' You also need to follow through with the sanction. But do praise meaningful change.

Thirdly, how does she get access to your cash? Why are there large amounts of it lying about the house? Please tell me you haven't given her your PIN? If so change it now!

Fourthly, don't expect overnight change, this will take months if not a year to get meaningful change. Although this is probably little comfort, 16/17 is the peak age for female offending and most young offenders don't go on to be career adult offenders. In all likelihood she will grow out of it.

Has she admitted stealing this latest money and has she spent it - if so on what ? Was just wondering if you could get any of it back by taking something back to the shops if she has bought any large items. I agree you should try and find somewhere alternative for her - still let her know you love her and are there for her but you need to tip her out of the nest i.m.o. or she'll never learn about consequences etc

taking a hard line approach wont work it will push her further away

what's her diet like? does she eat much? do you eat meals together?

does she have any hobbies, aside from friends that you could nurture, at home (am thinking maybe too twee here, but sthing like scrapbooking together, art, walks on beach together) Introduce her to calming activities that dont cost money?

if she's not using the money for drugs, what do you think she spends it on?

is there any volunteering she could get involved in, tell her it would look good on her cv?

sorry, I only have preschoolers, but can feel your frustration at your situation and wanted to offer sthing rather than nothing

hang in there

I don't expect a change overnight but this has been going on and on for eight years and with a lot of professional help, it just feels that nothing is working.

We eat healthy, she loves her food and almost always eat together. She goes to youth club three times a week.

She doesn't have any access to my bank account but I hid the money in my knicker drawer because I'd missed the bank.

She hasn't admitted stealing this money but seeing how upset I was last night she went very quiet and went off to make a very private 'phone call. There's only us two that live here so that shortens the odd somewhat.

This may depress you further or it may not. At the YOS two things that slowed down offending and anti-social behaviour:

1. For males it was getting a girlfriend which gave them the excuse to break away from their peer group. (Interestingly for females a boyfriend especially an older one often caused an increase in offending rates)

2. Getting a job that provided routine and structure. Suddenly getting pissed up, smoking skunk and snorting Daz Biological Powder coke seemed less appealing when they had to be up at 7:30am the next morning. It also got them in contact with older, more mature adults who could be a guiding influence.

It was bloody annoying as those were things we could do the least about.

But as her mum, you might be better placed to encourage a serious hunt for a job - any job! Do you think she would be receptive to that? If she has only had a referral order, it is spent on completion and she won't have to declare it to any potential employer.

It is something practical you could do together and from her perspective it will seem less like you nagging.

Thanks ComposHat. We have looked for jobs together and she has attended a couple of interviews, the feedback from those was 'she didn't seem interested', which was harsh as she was nervous and they were her first ever interviews.

I've told her about three part time jobs, ok two were in chip shops serving but a jobs a job these days. She hasn't enquired about any of them despite me encouraging her.

I feel completely drained.

Aye, you must be op I feel for you, I really do. But do keep plugging away with the job.

Is there anything like Fairbridge round by you?

If so they are a brilliant organisiation and the transformation in some of the kids who went on their residential courses was amazing.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairbridge_%28charity%29

Sorry I've no experience to work from, but how do you think she would react if you tell her that she will be out on the street on her 18th birthday unless her behaviour changes?

Keep on getting her professional guidance, and tell her if she didn't steal the money, you are going to have the police in, because somebody did take it.
Is there any chance she had some friends in, who may have taken the money?

I've checked but there's no Fairbridge near me unfortunately as it does sound like a good idea.

She was at her friends last night and I said 'if you've got nothing to worry about or hide I'll take my purse to the police for them to fingerprint it', she said 'yeah do it then but I'm not coming home'. She did.