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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel utterly inadequate?

13 replies

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 14/06/2012 01:22

I work three days a week, One Dc at school, the other split between nursery and gps. I have missed two training courses for work this year due to unwell dcs or childcare problems. I am meant to be working tomorrow but my mum isn't well and can't have dc2 so I will have to phone in tomorrow. I can't sleep and have worked myself into a frenzy over being 'that woman' at work and everyone resenting me not pulling my weight. I'm the only employee with young kids and I already feel like I have had to take advantage of the flexibility of my job.
Gah, don't even know what I'm asking really, just needed a vent.

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 14/06/2012 01:26

What about your dh, couldn't he take the day off? tbh you really need a plan B, whether that's a friend who you have a reciprocal arrangement with, or your dh, or a childminder who can do emergency childcare. Or as one of your children split the time between nursery and grandparents, make arrangements with the nursery for occasional emergency care?

Original poster

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 14/06/2012 01:31

Dh is in crown court tomorrow ( in a purely professional capacity ) so no, he can't stay off. Plan b is usually either my mum or mil and this is usually ok. Tomorrow my mum was already looking after dd in her plan b capacity. I need a plan c

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 14/06/2012 01:35

I think I'd be calling in a favour from a friend or the nursery, then, rather than missing another day off work, esp. if your dc would only be with your mum for part of the day.

I'm also a lawyer and have been known to bring sick dcs in to work, make a nest on a duvet under my desk and get on with it. I also know another lawyer who brought her ill dc to court with her and got the usher to let the kid kip in a consultation room! I've never gone q that far, but always bent over backwards not to take time off work with sick kids if there was any alternative.

Original poster

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 14/06/2012 01:41

Yeah, you're right. I shall have to figure something out by morning... Would be interesting to see my bosses reaction to dd asleep under my desk! Thanks for the no-nonsense talking to, I probably need it

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 14/06/2012 02:59

Buxom - I really think the next time this happens your Dh has got to step up and cancel his day. You work enough days to warrant some 'sick leave' input from him. It's not fair always you having to cancel.

I have the same kind of problem (although no GPs - you lucky thing!) in that I work part time. My DH's job and mine are similar. The main difference is is that if I have to take a day off I have to cancel about 30 patients. If he cancels, someone can cover. And yet he is always the one to get to go to work when the kids are ill. I've decided that enough is enough and we have to alternate sick days.
I wonder if you want to be taken seriously you need more equality with your Dh. And if that means he has to cancel crown court, so be it.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 14/06/2012 08:53

Have you tried looking at childcare.co.uk or gumtree for a nanny that is advertising as a baby sitter or for ad-hoc work, not much good for this time but if you interview someone and check references then you could use them in the future as a plan c.

I have several families that use me as back up childcare, I already work 4 days but often on my day off I have families call me because their child is ill or their childcare has fallen through, usually I have babysat for them so the children know me but several times have covered for people who have seen my babysitting advert and desperatly need a plan c/d/e

mumblechum1 · 14/06/2012 10:59

you need more equality with your Dh. And if that means he has to cancel crown court, so be it.

Thing is, 1950s, that just would never happen. If you're booked to represent a client in a criminal trial, it doesn't matter what is going on in your personal life, you do the job first. It's fine if you're just in chambers or the office that day, but not if you're in court. I've been with counsel whose daughter was going for an MRI that day having been run over the day before. She just had to get on with representing the client, who was up on a manslaughter charge.

1950sHousewife · 14/06/2012 12:32

Hi Mumblechum - I don't know the ins and outs of being at trials, but what I think I'm saying is this:
Is your husband tearing his hair out now declaring himself totally inadequate because of childcare?
Is he always exempt from having to cancel (not every day is in crown court, on the days where he has to cancel a client wouldn't be so bad)
Is your DH running around frantically trying to call people to help?

If not, you don't have equality in this matter.
The reason I say this is that we didn't either. And I used to have to sometimes cancel things every bit as important as crown court (the special needs extraction list in hospital - lots of children with medical problems, in agony with their teeth, booked weeks in advance, insane waiting lists, staff organisised everyone waiting for me - aaargh!) because my DD used to have horrific febrile convulsions. And yet my DH never considered doing the same.

I think you need to find a plan B and plan C but also your DH needs to remember these are his DCs as well and sometimes he may just have to step up to cover as well - otherwise it can cause resentment. I'm glad I finally did!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/06/2012 12:37

Mumble - I know it can be a nightmare cant it.

My DS has had a lot of time off school this year with ear infections and although DH does his best its not always possible for him to take a day off. Its all well and good saying that dad should do his bit too (which of course he should) but with all the will in the world it's not alway do-able.

My boss told me last time DS was ill that in his day if he was ill his mum would have tucked him in bed, gone off to work and then just checked on him lunch time. Yeah, as if I am going to leave my poorly DS at home alone at the ripe old age of 9 in bed with a temp of 40.5 . Like you, I am the only employee with kids, and they havent a blooming clue half the time.

Vent away, I feel your pain!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/06/2012 12:38

Sorry meant to address that post to Buxom

JuliaScurr · 14/06/2012 12:42

yy 1950's

Niteewotcha · 08/11/2022 23:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Desmondo2021 · 08/11/2022 23:14

Typical of mumsnet to turn this into a 'why doesn't your DH pull his weight' conversation. It is what it is. As long as you're making every effort you can to get in or you're offering to make up the time, work from home, work your day off, do a half day, or whatever it is you can do to do as much as you can then it really is just unfortunate and the childcare will always have to take priority. Like you said, you can't leave your kid alone and you can't magic childcare out of thin air.

Any issue (if one exists) about whether your husband could do more is for you to work out and deal with privately, it's hardly the point of this thread.

As a manager I've got staff who have had an unfortunate amount of time off but for genuine reasons behind their control, and staff who take the piss a bit with absences they could probably avoid. The latter are the ones who end up on the action plan.

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