To not want to celebrate my birthday

[wickedwitchofwaterloo]

On Friday it is my 30th birthday.
I don't want it referenced in anyway, I had to be cajoled into having a family get together and I've banned everyone from getting me a card with my age on it.

My main reason is because 30 represents my failings as a woman. I can't have a child, I had an unsuccessful IVF cycle two years ago in which I got severe OHSS and nearly died. Then I had a miracle spontaneous natural pregnancy which I then miscarried and Ive basically never gotten over it. I lost 6.5st a while ago, 3 of which was spurred on by the IVF, I've piled nearly 3.5st back on it the last year.
I'm just so sad that I will be entering another year childless, especially one that to me, marks the start in a decline of my already shoddy fertility.

I just feel like I've achieved nothing. All I ever wanted by 30 was to be a Mother None of my friends get it and just think I'm being silly and I need to suck it up and enjoy myself.

I'm tempted to just stay in bed all day on Friday and wake up on Saturday like it never happened.

Just because my Dad bless him, thinks I should have my family around me. His intentions are good and his heart is in the right place. I think it upsets him to think I'll just be sitting around miserable.

I only ever had counselling with the IVF and I'm not sure it really helped. Maybe I should go to my doctors and say this to them? I don't know.

I'm sorry you feel like this. I too feel like you need support & help to come to terms with your infertility.

You could still be a mother though, I know it's not the same as going through pregnancy but you could adopt, find a surrogate maybe? Please don't think I'm belittling how you are feeling but there are options.

As for your birthday, I think if you want to hide under the duvet you are perfectly entitled to do so,

I think you are right. I think at this point, trying to come to terms with it is an option. But I just can't. Right now, I can't accept it and on Friday it just feel like it will feel so much worse.

Not belittling at all, there are other options and I will never say never but right now all I want is to carry and have my own baby. That's it really. But who knows what the future holds. I always did want to adopt but I didn't want that as my only option iyswim?

I think a duvet day may have to happen. Under the duvet with a box of chocs and a crappy boxset on my laptop.

Of course you shouldn't have to celebrate if you don't want to - can you explain to your dad? Having your family around needn't mean a party either, you could just get a pizza and have a bottle of wine with your dad/ parents and establish before hand that it's just a night in( catch up (on trivia, their lives not you reviewing your 30 years) if you have a nice relationship with them, rather than having a big gathering.

As it stands, everyone is bringing a cooked dish and we are indoors with a few drinks so sort of what you said. I think my Dad is going to do his best to keep it low key, which is hard for him as he throws quite the party!

Luckily we are not a huge family but my initial reaction was no, I don't want to do anything, then I made a few allowances when I felt a bit more positive but I've started feeling really shitty (I'm due on, basically on/around my birthday) so now I'm just sat here feeling sorry for myself.

Hope you're feeling better today OP & have an ok birthday doing what you want to do.