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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to look after my friend's children

29 replies

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 18:41

I have a new (not close) friend who lives round the corner. she has a very high maintenance almost 4yo and a 6 yo boy, who is also quite demanding.

i have sensible kind dds aged 11 and 8.

my 8yo is a real tomboy. plays with boys a lot and is fond of the 6yo. they often play out together and she often pops over to their house to play.

they pop over to us to, but usually play in the garden, but for shorter times/ less frequently than dd goes to them.

my friend is a single parent and encourages my dd to go round and play as she says she has a calming effect on the boys.

recently my friend has asked me to babysit for the boys for extended periods at the weekend, during the day.

i am not keen. at all. to put it bluntly, my children popping over to her house makes her life easier, as she often says, as they are so calm with her boys. for me to have her boys would be really exhausting and a major hassle, esp as my own children are well behaved and don't need close supervision.

i realise she is alone and would be prepared to do the odd evening babysitting to help her, as a friend. but only when those boys are asleep, lol .
the trouble is, my friend seems to think we are evolving into a reciprocal arrangement where my children go to her place, and hers to mine. AIBU to think that this is a bit unfair on me in terms of who benefits from this.

i am v busy, work 4 days a week and frankly want to leave the toddler years behind me! (developmentally, the toddler stage is where her youngest is still at). so AIBU and what should i do?

OP posts:

RosemaryandThyme · 13/06/2012 18:44

Don't do it, but do be up-frount with her.

When she asks, don't make excuses, say simply that you don't want the responsibility of looking after other children.

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 18:46

so just because my dd goes to her place, i'm not obliged to have her dc for an equivalent period?

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 18:51

I feel like your arrangements are however you think they would suit both of you.

Personally I think you should give hour for hour (or nearly the equivalent) but I would perhaps just have only one of the boys over at a time and explain that you find both too much. Be honest with her.

shewhowines · 13/06/2012 18:51

Tricky.

I think you probably need to do a bit but not the equivalent time.

You can comment on how you see what she means about enjoying having your own DD over to help her out and that you are so glad your children are older now and you don't have to go through that young stage again.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/06/2012 18:54

No you are not obliged to have her boys, at the weekend for several hours, just because your dd plays with her boys from time to time.

I would say to her that you have plans at the weekend and would prefer not to mind other children, but you are happy for them to pop over after school for an hour or so, to play in the garden.

shewhowines · 13/06/2012 18:56

i like the idea about one at a time as they are too much together. The long weekend requests should stop then as it's not as much use to her.

ErikNorseman · 13/06/2012 19:02

Could you have just the older one? If he plays well with your dd then he can't be too much bother for an hour? Don't send your older one over ever then she won't see it as 'fair' that you take her little one too.

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 19:11

thanks all.

1950s, could you clarify your first sentence. maybe a word missing from your post.... how can it be fair to swap 'hour for hour' when mine require next to no supervision?

actually,erik, my older one really doesnt ever go round as she finds the boys a nuisance.

i dont mind the 6yo coming over at all. i would even take him out with us for the day and not mind. its the younger one thats the issue. the younger one just trashes my older dd's bedroom and needs supervising like a toddler. he is also not even fully toilet trained.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 13/06/2012 19:15

Yanbu

I would discourage dd from going over tbh. Especially as the other mum seems to think you should be returning the favour.

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 19:17

I meant that providing the arrangements suit both (and that's the important bit!) of you, any arrangement is fair. If it doens't suit you , and only her, you shouldn't put up with it.

And the hour for hour thing - I have the same as you, a DD who is low maintenance and calming. But my friend who has a DS the same age as my DD is a monkey and I feel exhausted by him being here. I still try and swap hour for hour, even though I know that when my DD is there she is a help to her, whereas the other way round doesn't apply at all! The house is trashed after about an hour! But I still feel like I should reciprocate. I try and make sure its at times that suit me - often from say, 4-6pm on a sat or sun so that we can have pizza and a movie which means less of him trashing my house! I also keep the times short, so no more than 2 hours at a time.

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2012 19:18

The thing is that if your child goes to her house, it makes her life easier. If her children come to your house, it makes your life harder.

I don't blame you not wanting to have little ones around. Why would you? You've only just finished that period of your life yourself.

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 19:21

1950s, yes i see your point and am happy to have the older boy, but not the little one. imagine your friend's ds had an even trickier little brother- would you feel obliged to have him too. prob not . my dd only goes round to play with the 6yo

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 19:22

Actually, in your case, a 2 for 1 deal would be about right. For every 2 hours she has your DD, you having 1 hour with both her DSs is about right. But again, if you find that's something you don't want, totally fair enough. I would just keep it simple and say what you said, that you are past the little kid stage. The boy I was talking about above has a 2 YO DB, and I have never offered to have him over by himself as the thought of nappies and having to guard stairs is just too unappealing after finally escaping it.

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2012 19:22

Just make it fair or don't do it at all.

Do bear in mind though that your DD's probably do require a bit of her supervision from time to time and may also cause the odd annoyance.

They are kids after all....

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 19:23

imperial, that is it in a nutshell!

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 19:23

Xpost!!!

He does have the younger brother! Honestly, when I saw him being totally toddlerish and random I thought I'd come out in hives and got Nam-type flashbacks! It means the arrangement isn't that fair as my friend still has to have the younger one, but tough. At a push I'd have him, but not on a regular basis.

shewhowines · 13/06/2012 19:25

Say you don't mind the 6 yr old then and stick to that. Say it's too much to have both, especially as your younger DD also finds it hard to have the little one around.

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 19:27

worra, yes i'm sure you are right re a minimal level of supervision, but mine dont trash bedrooms and poo their pants . so how do i make it fair considering the different levels of 'demand'?

1950s, i'd rather have the older boy more and the younger one never. no 2 for 1 for me! lol

OP posts:

shewhowines · 13/06/2012 19:28

sorry - older

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 19:29

shewhowines, i think i could say that. i just don't DO 3 yo boys at my stage of parenting!

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 19:29

Then say that to her - I would. I think you always need to try and be kind to your 'future self'. If you agree one day to have both, it's just going to keep happening and you will be so pissed off when the time comes.

Kids don't come in bundles of 2 or 3 or 4. If the 6 YO is your DDs friend, then that is all you should have over.

Original poster

DevonQueen · 13/06/2012 19:33

ok... help me with the wording re how to explain that i won't have the little one. please

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 13/06/2012 20:12

Been thinking about this, and I actually think it's quite weird to have both kids over,if only one of yours goes over to hers! My ds's friends have younger siblings, but it would never occur to me to ask those siblings over to my house, when the friend comes to play.

I think your friend has got you earmarked as free child care. She is gaining far more from this arrangement than you, so if you don't want to be free child care,then you have to nip this in the bud. I would say that the girls don't have much in common with the4year old and that you are fine with the 6 year old coming over, because they do actually play together well, but the girls are a bit too old to play with the younger one.

halcyondays · 13/06/2012 20:54

I'm not so sure that the weekend requests would stop if op said she would only have one of them. I have two dds aged 6 and 4 who are pretty demeaning and if only one of them is around, it is a million times easier as when they are together they bounce off each other. So I imagine she would be quite relieved to have just one of them off her hands for a while.

halcyondays · 13/06/2012 20:55

My dds are demanding, not demeaning.

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