Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I think my baby doesn't love me...

47 replies

NewMummy48 · 13/06/2012 18:12

This is really upsetting me...

He doesnt respond to me

He doesnt look at me when i call his name

I try my hardest to make him laugh but he doesnt

He NEVER wants to sit and cuddle with me

He is always upset when he is with me

He hates me reading stories to him

He hates me singing to him

Ive tried everything :(

I dont know what to do anymore, Its getting to the point where i hate seeing him with anyone else because they get a reaction out of him.

I have a big family party (Over 80 people) this weekend but i really dont want to go because its heartbreaking to see my baby enjoy other people but not me.

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 19:27

NewMummy, I think once a week an investment (as such) of a few pounds to go to the group by taxi might be a good thing. Getting out of the house is so important, as is mixing with other DC for your son, and you seeing mums so that you don't feel so alone.

Can I say, that although this may be PND, I did feel that way too for a while about my DD and I definitely wasn't depressed. If you feel you have PND or need extra suppor you must see your GP, but maybe all it is is that your DS finds the novelty of seeing your DH so exciting. But that's no reflection on how they feel about you.

Sargesaweyes · 13/06/2012 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarredfromhavingStella · 13/06/2012 19:46

Where in Yorkshire? I'm in Sheffield? Make yourself go out-trust me when I tell you it will do you & your little man the world of good!!!

Original poster

NewMummy48 · 13/06/2012 19:50

Ill have to talk with my partner about investing in a taxi to go to a baby group, also it would be difficult as baby has to have a car seat as its fixed down. I find it really hard seeing him so happy with other people, i dont know why. Ill go to the GP, ill ask my partner if he will take the afternoon off of work so i can go without my baby (I dont think that this is very suitable) but i dont know what he will say to that, Thankyou again so much for the advice.

OP posts:

Mimmee · 13/06/2012 19:51

Of course he loves you!

The thing is you're mum. You're always there. He knows you will always be there so other people have the "novelty" factor.

My DD is 15 months and is like this sometimes with me. Everyone else is more exciting, funnier, more interesting because I'm just boring old mum who does all boring stuff, nappy changes etc.

Enjoy the fact that you have a secure, confident baby who can enjoy other people safe in the knowledge that mum is always there for him.

Aribura · 13/06/2012 20:18

Babies only love you in the same way your cat loves you because you feed them anyway. True story.

glenthebattleostrich · 13/06/2012 21:49

Where in Yorkshire? I'm just outside of Barnsley.

Oh and babies know you love them unconditionally as their mummy so it's fine for them to torture you (that is my theory anyway).

Divinyl · 13/06/2012 21:58

Hello,

Just wanted to respond to your post as I can identify with many things that you have said. My DD is now 20 months and I am at home with her all the time until her 'Dada' comes home...which makes her day, and I'm then definitely the 2nd choice parent. She'll almost, and sometimes literally, push me away, and it sets up a very unpleasant feeling of a mixture of sadness and guilt. But I do know she loves me even so, in one or two moments that mean 'Mummy time' to her in our routine. I moved last year and now feel very disconnected indeed from our current hvs - I don't even really know who they are, and the theory is that we can go to "any" weigh in clinics in a rather widespread county, but without being able to drive or reliable information about them, this is not really an option. I also feel rather under-confident so far in our new Doctors', so I can really see how this would feel quite intimidating for you if you think you only have one shot at broaching the subject (and if they brush you off the first time, as it were, that's that - not that I think or expect they will, but that would be a worry for me if I were in your situation).

I would second everybody who has said that they are difficult and ratty with you because they feel safe and secure enough to do so, and they take it out on you. I would also say try your best with the doctors' and the new hv, and if you can bear it, be as assertive as possible in getting them to pay attention to you as one who has come into their care a while after birth. But also, I'd really recommend turning to a parental counsellor or support service as well, probably by phone. There is Relate for Families and Parents and I also found this one, which is based in Sheffield. It seems you can call them and there are also face to face options: Tel (Helpline): 0114 272 6575
Tel (Admin): 0114 273 0269 Web: www.parentlifeline.org.uk
I really think having someone to discuss things with would make you feel better. Hopefully your doctor may also be able to refer you to a counsellor but again that may take you asking 'Please can I be referred for counselling?'

I really hope that you do make some progress in the way that you are feeling. I believe you do have the resources to get through it but if you can act upon ways to make that process quicker and be helped, then that is half the battle.

onemorebite · 13/06/2012 22:30

Hi OP - just a small thing - but I don't follow your comment about the taxi. Most taxi firms have baby seats that you can use - certainly for a 9 month old if he is happy sitting up etc. Just ask them when you book. I really do think it is worth making the effort - even if you don't feel like it. You'll feel the benefit when you get there. It will also be good for you baby to socialise as well.

Are there any churches near you? They often have or host baby groups. The GP may well also be able to direct you to other nearby mums.

And of course your baby loves you. I promise

Velmadaphne · 13/06/2012 22:36

Firstly your baby does love you. To your baby, you're his world, so you're just background scenery, you're the whole universe. He doesn't need to respond to you because you're his environment, not an addition to it.

And secondly, you are clearly depressed. I'm a GP so I see plenty of depressed people, and you are one of them. Once you get some treatment you'll see things far more clearly.

1950sHousewife · 13/06/2012 22:46

Hi OP - me again. I do think your problems are a lot to do with not getting out of the house all day. Your baby needs stimulation from other faces at this age. I guess it's a bit like going to work for your baby. Even if you love your job, you are a bit sick of the same faces by the end of a long hard day of babywork and fresh faces are a Good Thing.

I really would do what onemore said and contact your HV. She would know of other mums with babies in hte area and although she can't give you their numbers, she can give yours to them. I did that and it was fab. I dont think I would have coped with being inside all day. If you can, try and get out and about more (I don't know how tricky that will be - I don't mean to be patronising if it is too hard) but even a ride on a bus would be great for your DS.

JoInScotland · 13/06/2012 22:58

I just want to add to all the other lovely, helpful posters that I had PND and your anecdotes sound similar to my experience.

Why don't you try the baby group, once a week, but also make a list of things you can do near your house for free? Is there a park you can take baby, pram and a blanket? Your son can have some fun, and a little picnic on the blanket - my son loved that at that age. And your son is big enough for baby swings even if there isn't much else for babies in the park.

Any rivers or ponds near you? Take some stale bread for the ducks - another winner for babies.

There's usually a song/rhyme time at your local library, ours has it the first Tuesday of every month and it's totally free, and aimed at babies. You might just meet some Mums that you get on with too!

Any museums in your area? You might be surprised what they offer. One in our town offers a completely free creative hour on the first Friday of the month where they make things, look at things in the museum that small people might like, etc and it is free. Lovely.

Look under the Mumsnet Local threads, and see if there is something going on in your area, any meet-ups or NCT sales or something where your baby can play with other children and you can sit and have a cup of tea - and maybe meet some friends!

It's easy to stay inside everyday when you're feeling down, and if you're a bit of a "homebody" or "shy" like myself. I push myself to get out for my son's benefit. When he was tiny and I'd had a Caesarian and further surgery, I walked 100m to a bench, rested and came home. The next day 150 meters, rested and came home. I talked to my GP about my situation and tried antidepressents. I kept going out and looking for things for us to do. I didn't make 100 friends, or even 10 friends, I made a couple of friends and that was alright for me. And now my baby is 29 months old, thriving and won't stop chatting.... Hang in there, you and your baby will doing all that too.

lilbreeze · 13/06/2012 22:59

I felt incredibly lonely and isolated for the first few months after dd1 was born. After that I forced myself to join some toddler groups, start baby swimming etc and it really really helped. I agree with the suggestion above about trying church halls - nearly all the ones near me run or host toddler groups (don't be put off by the name - they all welcome babies). Also try the Netmums website which is good for local listings and also has a meet a mum section which can be useful for making friends with similar aged children.

And do get in touch with your gp and hv too. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. x

Lovepjs · 13/06/2012 23:02

Sometimes your baby is just amazed by you and just wants to watch what you are doing they become engrossed in watching mummy. When someone new comes in the room like dh he may have a different sound which surprises the baby who is used to hearing mummy all day and that's y they smile more for daddy? The fact u are bothered about your bond with baby shows u r a good mummy so stick at it xxxx

skybluepearl · 13/06/2012 23:46

I remember feeling this and it passed. Hes probably just totally into his environment and very secure with you. He probably also spends most of his time with you and so you aren't quite as exciting. Have you tried being silly and just having lots of fun. Crawling around after him or imitation his talking in a silly way or faking a silly sneeze/cough. Also get out and about, go to baby groups and introduce him to new experiences.

threeleftfeet · 13/06/2012 23:59

Would you like to meet other mums near you? We moved towns two years ago, we knew no one when we moved here. I've met lots of other mums since moving here, and two in particular have become good friends. It's so important to have friends.

Is there a mumsnet group anywhere near you?

I would recommend the netmums meet-a-mum boards too. It's kind of like dating but without the romance! Mums post ads and you can contact the ones you think you might get on with, or you can post an ad yourself if you want to. You might find someone nearer to you than 5 miles, maybe. (Or someone who can drive to near you at least). I preferred meeting mums like this, as I find it hard to make friends at baby and toddler groups. I like them and still go to them, but it's more for DS, and to get out of the house and a change of scenery.

JugsMcGee · 14/06/2012 07:13

OP I hope the GP is supportive. Sounds like a really hard time. My DS was a grumpy thing at that age but always smiled when daddy got home.

My PND got so bad that I couldn't leave the house, so I totally understand why it's not as simple as just going to a baby group. Counselling helped me with that though, so I hope it (or some other form of support) can help you too.

Can you talk to your DH and tell him how you feel?

Rootatoot · 14/06/2012 10:00

Hi newmummy

I have a feeling I remember you posting during your pregnancy (if same one) and you were having a hard time then? I would definately think it's worth a trip to GP. I think you sound like you are just completely lacking in self-esteem and confidence. You definately need to get out the house to realise you CAN do it! I lost all confidence in the first couple of months. I felt a bit house-bound but it is self-imposed honestly. Once you start getting out then you'll realise that it IS possible. Start with little things. I haven't been to baby groups - I find all that a bit intimidating but it would be good for both of you if you can manage it.

Taxi is poss - other people do it so must be!

Also just take baby to doctors. I have had to take mine on other occasions for my own appointments. I even had to go for smear and had no-one to look after him. Thankfully he stayed asleep (and I was of course behind a curtain!) but no reason you need to get DH to take time off. If he is going to take a morning off I would make use of it to do something nice for yourself. You need a pick me up!

Have you got any friends near by? Or even ones further afield that could come visit?

As for baby not loving you. Of course he/she does but they are sensitive little things and if you are feeling down then perhaps it is just that s/he is picking up on?

LubiLooLoo · 15/09/2016 06:59

This is a very long thread... So I'm going to be one of those people and not read it all. So sorry if I've missed some vital information.

I just want you to know there's often times where I feel very similar. My DS is 6 months, and he's screaming at me then all smiles for daddy. He's looking everywhere but at me. I feel like he's trying to get away from me.

It's heartbreaking.

But I have to remind myself that babies go through a lot of stages and I breastfeed so his relationship with me is a different one.

I think sometimes being on me without feeding is just frustrating for him. He spends most of the day with me so obviously when he sees a new face he's excited for the change. There's a million reasons baby's cry, and as hard as it is, you can't take it personally. They don't know they are hurting you.

I promise he/she loves you to pieces. and hopefully you'll get a moment where you see it.

Tartsamazeballs · 15/09/2016 07:01

I'm sure OP is ok now, as baby is now 4 years old

Borogoves · 15/09/2016 07:02

I think OP's baby is probably at school now. This thread is four years old!

phillipp · 15/09/2016 07:04

This is a very long thread... So I'm going to be one of those people and not read it all. So sorry if I've missed some vital information.

It's really not. But it is very old.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread