Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be concerned about my friend

10 replies

CaseClosed · 13/06/2012 17:06

Have name changed for this just in case

My friend (I will call her P) and I have been the closest of friends for 10 years. In all that time we've only fallen out twice, both times brief. P has always been the closest person to me, we'd talk everyday and see each other once a week at the very least.

A few years ago P met her now DH, fell pregnant unexpectedly and had her DS who I adore. I was absolutely delighted for her, was there for her throughout her pregnancy, helping her with her DS when needed, and with money issues. I expected that when she had her baby we'd probably see less of each other, but knew we'd remain friends in the same way. It didn't seem to happen that way at all, and we were still very close.

Then I fell pregnant and was due to give birth around her wedding - I attended and gave birth 3 days after! Now we both had DS's I again expected we may perhaps both be too busy to see each other as much as before, though hoped it wouldn't work out that way.

My concerns are, now she's married, she seems to be not 'allowed' to socialise as much. We see eachother a lot less, although we both aren't working so really there's not that much of an excuse. She avoids a lot of my offers to meet up, but when we do, she always has to answer to her husband. For example, we took the boys swimming, then I offered to take her for lunch when we'd finish. She rang her DH to check, and had a bit of an argument over it. She told me he was annoyed as he'd wanted her to come home, then she left lunch early to get back to him. She's told me he never asks permission or lets her know if he goes out with friends.

She doesnt get out the house a lot, and it seems strange to me that she always has to answer to her DH when she does. I've never been married, I'm single, so don't feel it's my place to say what's right or wrong in a marriage. AIBU to be concerned?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 13/06/2012 17:18

Is it only that one incident where you've seen her ask for permission? Or more? One incident alone isn't enough tbh as it may have been that they had something else to do...or pre made plans.

As for her not getting out as much...well I am similar just because I am SO tired! I work from home but even when I never, found Motherhood exhausting...I dont like baby groups or swimming or even trips to the cinema...I'm just getting anti social in my old age.

Whereas my best mate works almost full time and is always out and about with her DS to this group and that...she makes me tired to watch her!

fruitysummer · 13/06/2012 17:18

It is does seem very controlling and I'd keep an eye on things. You sound a very good and caring friend by the way.

I will however say things may not appear as they seem though.

At the moment, things for me and my DH are very tight money wise. More so than usual.

Whenever a girly outing is suggested I always tell the girls that I need to check first with DH - he's not controlling, it's just that it would be very selfish of me to just spend money without taking him and the bigger picture into consideration.

NewMummy48 · 13/06/2012 17:19

You are not being unreasonable at all, you're just a friend concerned about a friend. I'm not sure what you could do in this situation because if you talk to her about her marriage she could possibly take it the wrong way. Maybe you could "Dig a little deeper" and gently ask her if she is happy and then take it from there.

Firawla · 13/06/2012 17:21

If you're close then I would ask her about it, not in a judging or harsh kinda way but just ask and see whats up with it, and see if she opens up at all? Hopefully it wont be too intrusive, if your close its fine to ask about her relationship/marriage and its done out of concern so she shouldnt take it too badly.
Does the dh not work, so during working hours can she go out and do what she likes or is she even having to check with him while he is away at work??
If it is the case of her dh restricting her i would be quite concerned if thats always the case, but best thing is probably talk to her a bit n see how she is feeling about everything and if thats really the case

CaseClosed · 13/06/2012 17:22

This isn't an isolated incident - it's literally every time I see her 'I have to get back to DH before he throws a strop'.

Money's tight for both of us, so mostly I offer to come to hers, or to have them at mine, or go to the park if it's a nice day. And usually if I ask to go out for lunch I offer to pay so I don't put her in an awkward position of having to decline because she can't afford it.

It just doesn't seem healthy to me, but I have no idea if or how I should approach it

OP posts:
sc2987 · 13/06/2012 17:25

Buy her Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Or you read it first so you have more idea what's going on.

pjmama · 13/06/2012 17:32

If he works, maybe he just values his family time and on that occasion wanted to see his wife and son? My DH works long hours and therefore the time he spends with me and the kids on a weekend is precious - if I were to organise something which was going to leave him at home alone, I'd check with him first just out of courtesy. He's not controlling in the least, just likes to spend time with his family when he can. This may be all that's going on here, I wouldn't read too much into it unless you can see that she's obviously unhappy.

grimbletart · 13/06/2012 17:33

She's told me he never asks permission or lets her know if he goes out with friends.

This is the giveaway. It's a double standard. He sounds a control freak.

StepOutOfSpring · 13/06/2012 17:40

Maybe the DH had already started making lunch? Not unreasonable to let your partner know if you're unexpectedly not coming back for a meal. It should work two ways though.

thebody · 13/06/2012 17:58

Maybe,as he knows you are single,he thinks you mIght be influencing her to go on the razzel iucwim.. Put badly but some men view single mates of wives to be a potential bad influence??

New posts on this thread. Refresh page