to think my 9yo should have learned to control his tantrums by now?

[picobama]

I probably am BU. Because he obviously can't control himself and that's not his fault. I guess it just hits me occasionally that he's not so little anymore and the tantrums still haven't stopped.

He's screaming next to me right now. I asked him not to climb on top of a plastic box because it was going to break, and he lost it. He said I was lying, that he never climbed on the box. He's spitting all over the floor in his anger. I have not reacted, apart from telling him to sit there until he calmed down, and the longer he screamed, the longer he would sit. He's now screaming that his foot is itching, and I think he's forgotten what made him angry in the first place.

Does anyone else have an older child who can't control anger and how do you handle him/her?

I'm also watching the thread with interest.

My 10yo DS has always been difficult, when he was a toddler he would bang his head on the floor in temper, his forehead was always bruised, his tantrums were legendary.

Fast forward 10 years and he gone through lots of phases with his temper, getting better and worse but lately I'm seeing premature teenage behavior kicking in......lots of door slamming, leave me alone, really bad fighting/arguing with DS2. For example yesterday I told him to go and get his crocs from the trampoline, he dug his heels in and growled at me that they were wet, I physically moved him out of the door to get them......I know I shouldn't but I can't help it when he gets like that.......anyway he ran outside grabbed his crocs and started crying and loosing it because they were wet......then he jumped on the trampoline like a lunatic, if the same situation arose with DS2 he would have just gone and gotten them........everything is a drama if he doesn't want to do something.

Marking my place. DS is only 5.6 but I have the same problems and am trying to figure out how to solve them as they are escalating.

I suggest reading a different kind of parenting book eg playful parenting, this could be the different approach and perspective you need.

I think as a parent you can't afford to think you've done everything you can and that some kids are just like this. This was how my parents viewed their parenting and in my case it didn't make for a great childhood. You however are clearly open to ideas still which is great. Playful parenting gives much insight on the need for control that children have, the reasons for it, how it manifests and what the solutions can be. I hope you love the book as much as I did, I would guarantee it will improve your relationship like a magic key.

I'll order it from the library, although I don't really have time for playing! After reading about on here though my gut instinct is that it will make DS flare up even more and I'll get hit more often as he'll suss me out in seconds. He will argue the toss against everything I do or say no matter how lovely/fun I am. We had a bad morning today as he was hitting and kicking me on the way to school so I'm not currently very optimstic. 'How to talk' didn't work for us though.

That's the thing, no adults (ok not that many adults) really feel they have time for playing! But to be honest how on earth do you have the time and emotional energy to cope with poor behaviour that saps you?

The playing described in the book is not necessarily how you might usually define play so you really need to read the book - it's not just "play with your kids as you fancy for a while" - do give it a go, Meglet.
It's frankly transformative ime and the time investment required isn't huge either. I am in no doubt that you will feel closer to your child and able to connect more easily if you try it out, and your child will love you and appreciate you for it with pretty much immediate effect. What is there to lose?

Thank you for all the supportive comments and advice. Sorry it's taken so long to reply - we've been travelling the last couple of days and had no internet access.

It's great to hear from others with similar dcs so thanks for sharing your experiences. TBH I have wondered about having DS assessed by professionals as he probably ticks boxes for dyslexia, ADHD and maybe Aspergers. But I'm not sure. It might not mean anything.

I have The Explosive Child and Playful Parenting (and many others!) and I've found them helpful and taken a lot of tips from these books.

DS has been a delight since I posted of course, but I never know when he's about to have one of those days!

This is pretty much the thread I was thinking about starting, and I am watching with interest.

DS2 is 10. He has been having terrible problems controlling his temper. He gets very aggressive, everything is someone else's fault. It can be triggered by being asked to do something, by losing a game, by some perceived injustice. Sometimes he will wind himself up so that I know he is going to end up hurting himself, usually by falling upstairs or walking into something. It's not as if he is purposely doing it but it is very predictable. He is aware that he has a problem and will later come and cry because he feels he can't control himself.

I have been at my wits end. We've tried time out, counting to ten, with mixed success. Have now spoken to teacher and have an appointment booked with the GP next week. Will check out some of the books mentioned here.