To be not looking forward to my 'best friend's wedding

[33goingon64]

Will try and keep this brief. Best friend and I are not so close these days and I worry that there is something odd about her relationship with her fiancé. Normal things to make two girlfriends less close: I moved away from the town we both lived in, I had a boyfriend, now DH and now have a DS. She has been single for literally 15 years but has now met Mr right and is getting married in August.

So understandably we don't see as much of each other and 'need' each other less IYSWIM. BUT I think I stayed the same person and tried no less hard to be open and honest with her and to include her in things, and to make time to see her on my own. I also make a very big effort (and am told by other friends I succeed) in NOT talking about my DS or DH or anything to do with myself too much at all. Even when I was getting married and best friend was my chief bridesmaid I paid for everything for her and I was grounded in remembering her feelings about still being single etc.

But since she met her fiancé she had grown more and more distant and when we do meet up she is almost formal and I can tell she is not relaxed and herself. I am not enamoured of her fiancé, but make a big effort to be friendly to him. He has rather odd social skills and talks about himself A LOT which initially I put down to nerves, but has ignored me at two parties at their house. I also think his friends are very self obsessed. Anyway my friend seems to have almost completely subsumed herself into his life and way of doing things. They have a dog and she just talks about the bloody dog all the time, worse than if it was a baby. Seriously, a phone conversation will be her going on about the dog for 10 mins and then she might remember to ask at the end about DS.

I know things do change when you get together with someone but really it's like she is a different person. I feel quite hurt that she is not looking to involve me in any way in her wedding (I wasn't hoping to be bridesmaid but even just helping her do dress shopping etc) and she made a big point of not wanting any 'interference' as she called it when I offered my help.

I am trying to look on the positive side and as long as she is happy I won't worry, but I think she might be unhappy as she is just not herself at all anymore.

Not sure what I am asking really, maybe whether I need to get a grip and stop worrying?

Forgot to add that the wedding is v small, only very select friends, and I feel a bit of a fraud even going as I can't believe she considers me in that way anymore. Sorry, ended up being a really long post.

I think it sounds like you're right to be a bit worried, but there's bugger all you can do about it. Hope for the best, be there to pick up the pieces if it comes to the worst.

And possibly she is happy, just different because I suppose after 15 years on your own you're bound to change when you're then in a relationship.

It's difficult to tell really. Some people completely shift to their partners social circle when they get coupled up. Is he the more sociable one? Or much posher or something? If you have been friends for ages and ages why don't you just say to her what you said here?

My friend recently got married. I offered to help and so did a host of friends. It was a pretty decent size wedding. She did it all by herself. She's used to doing things on her own.

Not exactly been friends for ages and ages. We lived together for a few months about 7 years ago and became very close, then I moved out but still lived close by and we stayed close for another year or two. So not an old friend as such. I am just scared to rock the boat by bringing it up before the wedding.

Could you take her out for a girly night, get her tipsy and get her talking? Then maybe if she is unhappy or having doubts she'd open up to you if you're still close enough? I'd be very careful about telling her what you're thinking though, as that's likely to go down like a lead balloon. Maybe just hearing her telling you how happy she is will set your mind at rest. (btw if she doesn't have kids yet, then the dog IS her baby!)

I'd be careful about bringing it up, you could open a whole can of worms. She may confront you in why you don't like her fiancé etc.

My bridesmaid (only one apart from my sister) went on to marry someone I didn't take to at all about 5 years ago. There is something I mistrust about him and feel will go wrong eventually, I genuinely hope I'm wrong but I so rarely have this feeling about someone. I played along with liking him etc and still do now (although it is relatively easy as we live at different ends of the country and are rarely in contact or see each other)

I still can't stand every second I spend with him, I've never said anything though as SHE is happy, or certainly claims to be. I'll be there if I have to pick up the pieces which I hope won't happen but I've only very felt this uneasy about two people in my life.

What i do know though us that I'd I had said anything we wouldn't be friends at all now. The woman loves him, the fact I hate him is irrelevant at the moment.

I think she is less of a best friend that the name warrants. She sounds like she might be inviting you for old times sake to me. Do you meet up often?

You say she's grown more and more distant and is refusing to involve you in her wedding. I'd take that as my cue to back off personally.

Maybe she is getting married because she finally has a boyfriend and is scared she won't get another chance? Maybe she can see his faults that you see, but doesn't want admit to them to herself or you, but nonetheless knows that you do not approve?

Perfumedlife, I think you are right. We grew very close and when I got married she was the first person I thought of to be there with me. Things do change and I have already backed off. I guess it's just sad (for me) that she seems happy to let her own friendships die away (I know I am not the only one of her friends to feel like this) and focus so much on his interests and friends - the fact that I don't like him much just makes it worse.

Anyway, I'll definitely still be there for her whatever happens and I hope she will be happy.

My best childhood friend married a guy I didn't take to at all. He turned out to have had a bit on the side from several months before the wedding. She caught them in flagrante 2 months after they got married. They divorced pretty sharpish. Strangely, he didn't come across as a player and i never suspected he was unfaithful, just found him really odd. To be honest I was v surprised that TWO women fancied him. Not making excuses for him but in retrospect unsurprising he found someone else as they were obviously unsuited. He's married to the OW now. But do I wish I had said anything to question her decision? Not really- she would not have taken it well and I felt it was important to respect her judgment. And I was damn sure to be there for her when it all fell apart- I think she'd have been too embarrassed to have turned to me if O'd have been in a position to say "I told you so".

agree with the other posters. I don't think there's anything useful you could say tbh about your niggles and concerns about her fiance. Just be there for her if she needs you further down the line.

Lots of people offered help with my wedding but DH and my parents were the only ones I wanted input from TBH (with the exception of my sister who came dress shopping with me and mum) so wouldn't be bothered about that. Sounds like you have just drifted apart, I would go to the wedding but make less effort with her as it doesn't sound like you get much out of the friendship.