Divorce children and one reliable parent

[Mother2many]

Please don't bash me, as on my local site, I was attacked.

My counsellor told me that, it's best that one parent is "reliable" than having no parent that is.

I do agree with that to a degree...

Am I wrong to think that also leaves the "unreliable parent" not responsible for being someone the kids can rely on?

Am I wrong to think that also leaves the "reliable" parent as the one who will disappoint the kids the most????

What's your thoughts without being mean...

I find it sad, my kids will comment, "dad won't do that with us; dad won't take us; dad has no money;" etc.etc.etc.

If I am unable to do something with them, I find it sad, they miss out, because their father refuses to/won't.

I understand that his "time" with them is his... however, what about what the kids want?

opinions?

Depends how old the kids are... How old are your kids?

Mine are young (2 and just 4) and they would much prefer time / energy over money. We went to the natural history museum today. Ate (home made!) ham sarnies and carrot rice cakes for lunch and drank (from home!) water. Was a fab day all round.

I find their dad doesn't want to do so much with them, he'd probs prefer to sit them down for pizza, but it's not money they crave.

I guess, as they get older, that gets harder.

Why does your counsellor only think that it is best to have one reliable parent? Surely having two is best? If the only option is one or none then obviously one is better than none? Is there anything else, it sounds like you are having some difficulties with your ex?

I don't have experience in this area, I'm sure that others can advise better. Just because a childs parents have split from eachother, doesn't mean that both parents don't have equal responsibility and still need to work together as far as the children are concerned. Its not always possible, but its up to the adults to make it work.

Why should anyone be mean to you about asking this?

yanbu although I don't entirely understand the question.

Of course it stinks when one parent is a selfish git.

I also don't understand why courts force children to spend long periods of time with a parent that obviously does nothing positive for them whatsoever.

Depends what they are wanting to do or where they are wanting to go.

If they are wanting expensive cinema trips or days out it is not as unreasonable as refusing to take them to the park.

It sounds to me as though your counsellor is trying to get you to see the positives in that your children have a reliable parent in yourself which is better than no reliable parent. Of course the ideal would be two.

Aah sorry I missed the point, your kids aren't going to be disappointed by you, they know that you spend the time with them, comfort them, are there at home with them watching a DVD and having a pizza.

You cannot make their dad do things that they want, suggest maybe but it is up to him.

I don't think one parent being reliable lets the other (unreliable) parent off the hook. Of course it is horrible for the kids. I have issues with my ex and I know how miserable it is to feel let down by your supposed 'co-parent' and to see the children losing out or being disappointed. Happy to share a rant about that...

However, I think that the kids will be ok in the long run if at least one parent (you) or an equivalent role model (eg grandparent, foster carer) shows them what good parenting is and also provides the love and security they need to flourish.

Yes, I agree this is sad, when kids wake up to the fact one of their parents is not interested/not reliable or whatever. It is sad. I had a dad like that.

Those parents lose out in the end. If the kids have one good parent, they will most likely end up close to that parent and not so close to the disappointing parent. So the child loses out but the disappointing parent ends up losing out more IMO.

If your ex is reliable with contact but is skint, there's not much you can do. He has no disposable income and children have to understand that. One day you might be in the position of being skint and will have to deny them things. He should spend time with them like going to free activities like the park.

thanks...

bigjoe: equal responsibility yes, that is exactly what I am thinking... both good and bad...

My DS4 (8yrs) and DD3 (7yrs)....

I never expect much out of my X. I really don't. Yes, his time is his. I would also back him if my kids expected too much from him too.

My kids don't partake in any summer sporting activities as they would miss out on too many days, at their dads... They understand that...don't like it...but understand.

When the kids ask... "can we ?" I sometimes say, maybe your dad can take you? The response is always he never does... and that is true. I don't feel when the kids ask "can we ?" that I am the only one that does this with them?

Yes, I used the fair as ex. I COULD of taken them...it would of cost me $35 each to do everything they wanted for the day.....once a year...no biggie. I have taken them for the past several years. I looked into it, and the last day, which happens to land on my X's visitation weekend, is only $15 each!!!! I'm actually thinking if he won't take them, for me to see if he will change the weekend so I can take them on "cheap day"...

Yes, it's great my kids have me to rely on.... it just would be nice if my X had my back sometimes when I can't!

I agree why a child should go for lengthy visit to a parent who does seem to want it...

Thanks for listening...even if I don't make sense...

Oh I do feel for you op.

After my parents divorced I had no reliable parents.

Dm was knocked for six by divorce and depressed.

Ddad was off doing his own thing and seeing me for strictly Sunday afternoons only.

So, actually, I agree with your counsellor (from the children's pov). But I v much sympathise.

It's ok to be upset and a bit sad that your EX is rubbish with the kids.
However, you can't change that. You can only control and manage the way you are with your kids.

I know it's hard, but try not to focus on what he's not doing for them but instead put all your energy into what you can do for them.

If they ask to go some where, and you can manage it, then why not do it?
Why can't they do some sports camps in summer? Maybe they can go when they are with you and just miss those days with their dads. I'm sure you could find away round about it.

Good luck and lots of positive engergy your way.

My ExP is rubbish with ds and it is very sad and frustrating, not to mention, expensive because everything falls to me, but I think that the reliable parent probably has the best relationship with the child/ren because children aren't stupid and can see who really cares about them.

Thanks...

Our court order says he is to give me is summer requests (2 wks) by June 1st. I argued that saying, most things need to be booked by then! I am LUCKY that I submit to him what the kids and I are doing in the summer by May 1st. Then he gets back to me on what works for him.... So far soo good.

The kids do go to Bible camp, and this year have swimming lessons. BEcause I will make sure they go....

I'm glad they have me....