to think there is such a thing as a 'courtesy invitation'?

[festivalwidow]

I've been musing on this one for a while.
DH has a friend who lives about two hours away, who he keeps in touch with sporadically and who happens to have a daughter who is a year older than DD.
We bumped into DH's friend last weekend, who mentioned his DD was having a birthday party this weekend and said in passing 'do come along if you're free'.
DH immediately said yes and has spent the week assuming we're going. Now, apart from the fact that DH didn't ask me if we had anything planned , I know that friend lives in a small flat, the party is in the small flat and I have a hunch that, although we wouldn't be unwelcome, friend is not counting on us turning up with DD in tow.
I am possibly biased in not especially wanting to take two trains and three buses to go to the birthday party of a child I've never actually seen whose parents I barely know, but I've always thought there was a difference between a 'courtesy invitation' and an actual one. A 'courtesy invitation' I would take as 'I'm inviting you because I want to include you, but I'm pretty much expecting you to say thanks but no thanks'; and that we don't need to oull out all the stops to make sure we're there.

Am I the only one who thinks this exists? Or should we make sure we're there unless we all come down with a raging virus?

Oh god screw that - I sure as hell wouldn't be going!

Of course there is! Your dh doesn't seem to have grasped this concept though .

I agree with you.

I wouldn't issue a 'courtesy invitation' unless I was prepared for the invitee to take me up on it, and I wouldn't think it was odd if they did.

However, I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't either. We did turn up to a 'courtesy invitation' last year, because we really were out and about and passing (which were the terms of the invitation ) and we were made welcome but I doubt she'd have been posting on AIBU about us if we hadn't!

Unless I'd had a specific RSVP invite I wouldn't be making the sort of journey you're facing. I would use the "would they let me know if it were cancelled?" as the litmus test as to the nature of the invite.

Step back. THis has been arranged between the two DH's

It sounds like an afternoon off for you

i agree - a courtesy invitation is one that says "i want to see you, and i would love you to be there, but really, i'm not expecting you to turn up"

Jins I like your thinking!

Oooh, brilliant thinking Jins!

Jins, I shall be pm you for advice in all future dilemmas if you promise that all your advice is of this high quality!!

yep, Daddy and daughter to the party...

Mummy can have

courtesy invitations definitely exist. like the ones you send to distant relatives for weddings, or because it is rude to mention a party to someone without inviting them...

I can't promise but I do have form for getting out of stuff

There probably is, but it's a silly concept. If you'd be put out if someone you invited actually shows up, you shouldn't be inviting them. However, if you don't want to go, don't go! Send DH and DD, she can get hyped up on birthday cake and you can have an afternoon off :o ; if she's more DH's friend than yours and you barely know her I wouldn't even think it was odd you didn't come.

It simply says 'I like you and would always welcome your inclusion'...which is nice.

For goodness sake - a children's party in a tiny flat? Who goes out of their way to attend one of those when they don't have to?

Whether or not the guy expected you to turn up, he gave an invitation which your DH accepted. There are lots of threads on here about children being upset because people accepted party invitations and then didn't turn up on the day. I would say that if DH accepted the invitation, then your DD should go to the party

I am with you Op....I had one of these not long ago from an old friend who I rarely see....it was along the same lines "Oh little Dylis turns 3 next week! Yes we're having a bBQ and cake...do come if you can."

Of couse you're not meant to go! Send Daddy as others have said....if he wants to go he can!

I bet his OH will be thrilled when 3 people she doesn't know about and has never met before turn up to her child's carefully planned birthday party. Frantically making up another party bag, slicing the cake thinner. Whipping the sausage rolls from her child's sticky hands to ensure that there's enough for the extra bods :o

I would get your DH to phone the friend and let him know that you won't be able to make it after all

Unless the wife mentioned it to you dierctly I would skip it!

Yes obviously your DH takes your DD.

That's the only sensible way to read it - that's who the bloke invited - whether he really meant it or not.

If people don't expect someone to come, then they shouldn't invite them. Your dh can take dd and you can have an afternoon to yourself.

To me a "courtesy invitation" is something along the lines of "do pop in if you're passing".

A specific invitation to a specific event at a specific time is not this.
I (and even my DH who is fairly clueless about the children's parties) would never casually invite someone to my child's party unless it was fairly free and easy and I was perfectly prepared for extra people to turn up.

But I wouldn't go in your circumstances.

If it's a house party for any reason, i will always extend a courtesy invitation, including for New Year etc. The more the merrier.

There is usually enough coming to have a good time, but anyone extra is welcome.

But i second sending your DH, if he wants to go.

Do not go. It's the kind of invitation someone makes when they realise they are talking to you about a party, to which you haven't been invited. So they ask you because it is more polite than saying 'actually, you weren't important enough to include in the proper invitations'. If they really wanted you there, they would have asked you properly, in the first place.

It's a social nicety, like asking 'how are you?' when you bump into someone in the street - it doesn't mean you really want to know all the gory details regarding their health!

But he didn't have to mention the party at all, did he? And if you live two hours away from somebody and see them sporadically, you wouldn't be offended if they happened to mention that a birthday party in conversation but didn't invite you, surely.

Problem solved! Turned out the hosts never actually specified a time or indeed address, so when we hadn't heard by the day before, DH said "perhaps we should say we can't make it if it's going to be organised at the last minute?"

I nodded sagely and said 'I think that's probably best'.
I think their DD would have been completely nonplussed when three people she hadn't seen before turned up at her birthday party - I know my DD would probably be asking 'who are they?' in a loud voice for most of the day...