To not give a gift?

[hatingtoday]

More a WWYD!

Its my friends birthday next month. I really like this friend and she moved far away last year so I see less of her but I still visit her a lot as not many of her other friends do. Her partner can be controlling and I didn't want her to feel isolated. Anyway I go out of my way to see her and the trips aren't expensive in petrol but if only one person makes the effort it can add up. We are both equally short on money.

I invite her to us all the time. I ask if she would like to come along to things in between our villages so that the journey for her isn't so long. These are free activities. She doesn't come due to money. I buy her DC small gifts for christmas, easter (just things like stuff I got in the sale), give her old items that we no longer use but since she moved I have not received one item back.

This is not a You didn't get me a birthday present so I'm not going to get you one situation although it might seem like that at first glance. I think her location and her partner might be making her depressed and unlikely to want to go out/spend money/see people.

So by not giving her a gift, do you think I would be cutting off another lifeline for her? With any other friend I would say bollox to it, I cant afford this! but because of everything else, should I carry on as normal and just give her a token to show I'm still here? Even if I know its probably never going to be reciprocated.

Give the gift. It will mean she still knows you are there for her and if she is isolated it would mean a lot. Just a small thing so not too expensive for you!

Yeah, I probably will but I just wonder if knowing I am there for her is helping seeing as she still makes little effort. I could save myself some cash and the result would still be the same.

I think you should give her a small 'something' as Howah just said she is your friend the gift will mean you are there, maybe stop the childrens gifts but i think you should keep it up with your friend,

Sounds like u dont want to do the gift thing anymore,
But you feel guilty about it.
Should you feel guilty ?.
No, you are not obliged to gift her anything,
And if u are an important lifelife,
A card with note in saying im always here if u need me, would be a sufficient gesture.
If u continue gifting and feeling unreciprocated, the resentment will fester ....

Could her partner be keeping her with no cash of her own iyswim? If he has the cards and the transport, she just might literally not have any money of her own and not be able to come and see you/send things. She might be too ashamed to tell you, or afraid to admit just how controlling he is. If you feel she's isolated already, then chances are she needs you to carry on being her friend. Don't necessarily send loads of things, or go every thursday on the dot or anything, but a birthday card and maybe a token gift if you usually get her something will let her know you're thinking of her and could make all the difference to her if she's lonely and "cut off" - it's such a small thing but it could be really important to her. My ex used to control all the money, tried his hardest to stop me having a job or any contact with anyone but him, wouldn't even have a phone in the house before mobiles I'm an owld gimmer and it hurt.

I wouldn't. I was in a similar situation to you and got fed up with it. I felt I was always the one giving, and although you shouldn't give to receive there does get to a point when you think enough is enough. I think if the friend can't afford a present for you then a month before their birthday they should tell you not to get them anything because they can't return it. Continually taking and not initiating things in a friendship can be draining.

I would prefer not to recieve a present I couldn't reciprocate. I have friends who buy extravagant gifts and I know they mean well but it makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't get her anything, but if you do feel like you need to take something then just a bunch of flowers or a home made cake will still show that you care. Does she acknowledge your birthday with a card?