To think my Mum should stop having digs at me

[QueenSconetta]

I am not naturally tidy person, so my house is usually messy, not dirty but messy.

My Mum is always having little digs at me about it, like tonight 'its a good job DD is too big for her changing unit, you'd never have space on it to change her'. The only reason there is stuff on it is that I don't bloody use it anymore!

I work full time and am out if the house for 12 hours a day, and the rest of the time I would rather spend with DD than tidying stuff.

AIBU to be getting cheesed off with her getting at me for basically not being her?

And now I think about it, DD is potty trained now so doesn't even need to be changed!

I used to feel sensitive to comments like this from my mum because I would feel really criticised and take it to heart, mainly because she has always had quite high standards/ideas about what I should and shouldn't do as her daughter. What helped me was realising that I'm an adult now and I can chose to acknowledge what she has said without accepting it as being the only way to look at things.

You can't control your mum, but you can control your reactions to her comments. You know why it is messy, you choose these as your priorities and you are allowed to as a grown up. You are equally allowed to say that you find what she says hurtful and you are trying your best in the circumstances.

Thanks Ismeyes, that is actually v sensible advice.

I tend to reply, 'Thank god it's 2012 and women aren't judged on how they keep a house anymore. It must've been so hard for you in the olden days.'

Tends to put gas at a peep!

24 hours in a day, sleep 8, you said you are out of the house 12, so that's 20 hours .... how can you make a mess in 4 hours? You cant, it's impossible not to tidy away behind yourself in 4 hours.

Use a plate, put it in the dishwasher, use a can opener, put it in the drawer, take your clothes off, put them in the laundry bin, hang a towel up, put a paper in the recycling.

Lol Stargirl. She got a bit cross the day I told her I would rather have a happy child than a tidy house.

Jumping, that's how I work. But not everyone does. We all have different gifts and priorities

You could always reply "I know its a bit messy - feel free to tidy it for me if its bothering you........"

x

It is possible jumping I can assure you, mess just happens to us...

Arf at stargirl1970! Hope to remember that one at the right moment one day

I would quantify that in ideal world I live like that , however I cannot say the rest of the household adheres to my ocd peculiar ways

But that's also my point, there is mess and I choose not to make tidying it a priority, as I choose other things.

I would prefer for her to respect my choice, whether she believes it to be possible to make mess or not, or whether she could live like it or not.

Perhaps buy your mother a small gift

Omg are you me !!! My whole family
Are like this. It drives me to distraction

My mum is the same. It used to upset me, now I try and let it wash over me, or tell her if it bothers her so much she can tidy it up!

She lives 200 miles away so we don't see her often, I once spent two whole days ensuring the house was completely spic and span (I was 30 weeks pregnant as well so not easy!) and she still managed to find something to tidy.

She cleaned out and arranged my tinned food cupboard .

I would just smile and say 'yes it is messy' and change the subject.

Next time she says that tell her 'If it bothers you enough that you feel the need to comment on it perhaps you shouldn't visit us!'

Jumping, your points seem sensible, but who empties the laundry hamper, who washes, dries, irons & puts away clean clothes. If the OP only has 4 hours a day to 'make a mess' I can understand her house being more cluttered than others

i have a daughter. she has a baby. every time i open my mouth the wrong thing comes out. the only reason we're able to continue together is that she has thirty years of experience of knowing that i love her!

perhaps your mum can't help saying the wrong thing.

My mum is like that, she comes in, you can see her looking around an she'll say something like ' looks like you're going to have a busy day '. My house is clean, usually never more than 1 load of washing to be done an dishes etc put away, we do have toys out in the day, craft stuff in the conservatory and the odd newspaper lieing around, it wind's me up so much with her but I dont really invite her around anymore. I have spoken to her about it but she brushes me off and says she doesn't mean anything by it. BTW Her house iS like a show home but smells of dog!

My mum is the same. It drives me mad, but im trying to learn not to react. She thinks its messy to leave the fairy liquid out on the sink rather than put it in the cupboard. I cant contend with that level of crazy tidy.

My mum's the same. She looks after my DC at my house before and after school as we're out from 730am till 6pm. My dad recently retired and now comes with her to my house and she told me that she'd warned him that he'd "just have to ignore the state of the house". The house is clean and after the kids go to bed every night I tidy everything away but with 2DS's my house is never going to be showhouse tidy like her house is. The reason she looks after them at mine is so that they can make a mess in their own house and we tidy it up and its not left to mum in her house.

I sometimes wonder if this will be me in 30 years time!!

I find the best way is the old, 'nod and smile' (and ignore) and if a verbal response is required, 'ah well' or 'that's nice, dear'. The latter being particular annoying as it shows you weren't really listening to them!

My fil once commented on how the toys were everywhere. I told him to feel free to tidy them up. He didn't.