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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move 20 miles away as XP is making no effort with the DC

31 replies

LalasMama · 10/06/2012 17:41

I left XP a couPle of months ago. My decision. I have stayed in the same town as XP so that he can see kids as often as he likes.

As it stands, I am struggling to get him to have them even one day a week. Still haven't received a penny in maintenance.

I would like to move back to my home town 20 miles away. I have been offered a good job there and would have plenty of help with the DC as my family live there.

WIBU to move the DC away from XP?

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 10/06/2012 17:42

No, not at all, assuming there is no court order

ZZZenAgain · 10/06/2012 17:44

no, go where you will be happy if he is not going to be there for them

manicbmc · 10/06/2012 17:44

It's 20 miles, not 200. Move and be happy. If he can't make the effort with you on the doorstep he probably won't be bothered.

xMumof3x · 10/06/2012 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHappyHissy · 10/06/2012 17:51

MOVE! It might wake the prick up! Good luck love!

anastaisia · 10/06/2012 17:55

YANBU at all under those circumstances. If he was really involved and seeing the DC on many separate occasions through the week it might be different but he isn't - 20 miles isn't enough to make contact that difficult when it's a maximum of once a week!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/06/2012 18:00

2 months is a bit soon to make a move like this I think. How devestated was he by you leaving him?

He should of course have made more effort to see his dc, but could he still be in a bit of a mess after the split? When my ex sil left my ex bil, he was a mess for a while and would have been in no fit state to go and collect his dc and take them out for the day.

What was he like as a Dad before you left? Do you think he will come round and be a good Dad, or has he always been useless, hence the fact you left him?

DamnBamboo · 10/06/2012 18:03

It's only 20 miles.
Go for it.

sleepybump · 10/06/2012 18:09

YABU. Agree with Outraged, its only been a couple of months. 20 miles is nothing to an adult, but would your dc be resentful that youd made it difficult to see their dad? I would think 20 miles is close enough for your family to pop by and help for a while if you needed it, rather than you moving everyone out of town/home so suddenly.

Original poster
LalasMama · 10/06/2012 18:23

He wasn't overly interested with them when we were together. He was really upset when I left but I know he's already dating someone.

DCs are 2 and 1 so aren't going to object!

Confused!!!!

OP posts:
Pochemuchka · 10/06/2012 18:24

If you're not happy where you are and want to move then it is only 20 miles. It sounds as though things would be better for you and your DC because of the job/family support etc.
I'm sure it's been hard for him but I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you either.
I would probably speak to him about it though, explaining about the job etc. Not in a permission asking way but an 'I'm thinking about this' kind of way.

WorraLiberty · 10/06/2012 18:25

20 miles is nothing

Some people work further from home than that?

squeakytoy · 10/06/2012 18:27

20 miles is a half hour journey for most people, hardly the ends of the earth!!

Pochemuchka · 10/06/2012 18:34

If your DC are 2 and 1 I would definitely move near help! :)

Original poster
LalasMama · 10/06/2012 18:50

I would talk to XP about it but I'm not allowed to talk to him! I have to communicate through ex MIL! It's madness!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/06/2012 18:51

Just move, you need the support. It's really not far.

NicNocJnr · 10/06/2012 18:55

So if you move 20 miles you will have a shorter commute to a good job that helps secure your families future, an extended support network with you & kids having greater spontaneous access to their extended family which is of great benefit to the DCs, you would be back home & happier.

If you stay- it would knock half hour off your ex's journey as and when he decides to see the kids.
If a half hour journey is enough to stop him from seeing them (bus/train so doesn't have to have a car) then that says more about him as a parent than your choices.

For me this wouldn't be a hard choice.

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 10/06/2012 18:58

20 miles is perfectly reasonable. Go for it - you need the support you can get back there, now you don't have his any more.

Snorbs · 10/06/2012 18:59

You'd be moving for a very good reason - two good reasons, in fact - and it is only 20 miles. Given the circumstances I'd make the move.

maybenow · 10/06/2012 19:12

20 miles is nothing, i'd consider that 'staying in the same area'

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2012 19:13

It's no distance at all.
Don't see the problem - even if he were an involved father.

rollmeover · 10/06/2012 19:18

Its only 20 miles, not far at all.

Would your ex be open to a conversation (note not consultation) about it? Or alternatively write him an email explaining that you dont want to seperate him from his kids and would like to come to an agreement where he sees them regularly. (the email also has the advantage that you can keep it as "proof" in years to come that the move wasnt to separate the kids from their dad.)

Pochemuchka · 10/06/2012 19:19

Lala, the more you tell us the more I say do it!

HecateTrivia · 10/06/2012 20:03

Just move. It's 20 miles. That wouldn't be a problem for anyone who wasn't a dick. But I suspect he'll be happy to use it as an excuse. Don't fall for it.

skybluepearl · 10/06/2012 20:57

20 mles is nothing