Being cautious with access

[avenueone]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site and hope to talk about much more fun topics moving forward. I used to be on `another' site but as my son grew up I stop using it.
As a single Mum from being pregnant I have always appreciated help from others.

My son was six on Saturday and with it being the Jubilee we had a big party - it was wonderful - we went to see friends the next two days and just had a great weekend - until we returned from the second visit and my ex, who had not been in contact since my son was 5 days old, had left birthday presents and a card on my doorstep !! not only that, it was football merchandise for team he supports not who we support - plus a card saying see you soon Love Dad!!

Two and a half years ago I plucked up the courage to go to the CSA as he has never paid anything and I say plucked up the courage because I knew it would not be an easy thing. He said he wasn't the father, failed to turn up for paternity tests and then went on the dole. Legal enforcement have taken up his case and he was told that they are taking action 3 weeks ago - so that may have prompted the contact.

The night before the presents were dropped off I had had a friend request on facebook but did not know if it was genuine and then that same night I got a badly written email saying he wanted to start seeing his son and soon and didn't want to go through the courts, could we be adult about it!

He has become a stranger to me and is a total stranger to my son - whilst I believe that children should see their fathers and people can change - I do not know is state of mind - only 3 months ago he told the CSA he was not the father again and I do not feel his approach for contact was at all appropriate.

I feared he may just turn up again and I have spoken with the police - my son was affected by events the other night and it was a massive shock to me who works full time and gives my wonderful son a stable and fun life. I have chosen to remain single until he is older to concentrate on us.

The last 6 years have been difficult but things are just getting back on track - I lost my dad and was ill for a while - business is good and we have a fun year of holidays planned.

Not only do I want to take things very slow with regards any contact but I can't have him come and turn our lives upside down as and when he wishes. I feel that whatever I decide now has to be the way it will be.

I am thinking of indirect contact - then supervised and if he will do all that which would last for around a year - he is serious - I wonder if he is? and I hope that, that is all he would be able to get - my son is everything to me and the thought of him just taking him away fills me with more fear than I have ever felt.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Yes, he will need to stick at indirect, then supervised. Supervised won't be for ever though. He will be given unsupervised eventually if it goes well. Maybe it will be quicker progression than the year you estimate.

He's likely to get overnights. Every other weekend fri-sun and one weeknight, with half of school hols is about 'normal'

But that's if he proves himself.

Oh, and send a copy of the email to csa....

Thanks for your reply. I have phoned the CSA I may ring them back and ask if they want to see the email. They would have another way to contact him too.

I think he lives too far away for overnights though as my son is only 6 and at school locally. I am not sure he would stick at the first couple of stages.... it is all a massive worry after so long.

What does your son's birth certificate say? If you weren't married to his father when he was born, and the father didn't go with you to register the birth (which if he hasn't seen your son since he was 5 days old sounds unlikely) then he has very little claim on your son legally. He can apply to the courts for parental responsibility (but do get proper legal advice on exactly what that involves, I know little about it) but would have to have a paternity test to do so.
It sounds more like the CSA have been in touch with him and he is worried they are going to start taking money from him, and he thinks that by getting you "on side" so to speak he can avoid this somehow.

I have chosen to remain single until he is older to concentrate on us.

Why oh why??? you are denying yourself a proper life, siblings for your son, an adult relationship for yourself...

That's one side of things, squeakytoy, there is potentially a negative side too but the OP is an adult free to make her own choices on the matter.

Must have been a huge shock to you both, and a ham-fisted inauspicious start at best. I hope your DS is OK.

Even if he goes to court, it would be a slow process and child-centred so it wouldn't be him just taking your son away - I hope that is of some help reassurance.

However, if it goes to court you would have less control over the process so I'd be tempted to try to work something out that you feel your DS can cope with. I think I'd write a fairly stern letter explaining that his actions were very upsetting for your son and completely innappropriate, and that any kind of contact would have to be worked up to in a child-sensitive manner. Then outline your rough plan and suggest mediation.

I'm not a fan of using contact centres unless there is actually a risk to the child, if that's what you mean by supervised contact? Do you genuinelt think there is an abduction risk or do you just mean that's how strongly you feel about it?

And you don't need to take a paternity test to apply for PR, as far as I know.

I am an old fart now squeakytoy (40) so no siblings and working for myself don't get much time.. in a couple more years when my son and hopefully this mess is sorted I may get an adult relationship - something has always cropped up and I have never felt it was the right time.

PomBear - no he isn't on the birth certificate and for him to get parental responsibility he has to have an attachment to the child - he can apply for a contact order though.

Bali - I really don't know the guy any more I had only known him a short time when I fell pregnant and after he left I found out a lot of things that worried me. I can't say for sure what he would do - there is no way I would allow him unsupervised access - I am getting a solicitor to write to him as I do not want any direct contact myself, he is very unreasonable and was very agressive when we split and I was pregnant. His email was of a tone I do not feel comfortable with. Why do you not like contact centres? I have no experience of that or mediation. I am not sure how mediation would help with my son getting to know him - how does that work? At the moment my son says he doesn't want to see him and gets upset if I mention it so I need some professional advice on how to deal with this I think.

I meant mediation to sort out some of the issues about contact, eg find a way forward between you with a professional there to help, not as a way of your son getting to know him.

I am so sorry your DS is still upset about it - it is relatively unusual for children to not at least be curious about an absent parent, but clearly it was a big shock for him. Kids pick up a lot of cues from us though.

I think you need to give yourself some time and space to think it all through. Right now, understandably, you sound as if you would just like this man to disappear again. However, your DS does have a right to a relationship with his father, and unless there is a real risk to him, the court will encourage some kind of contact. Personally, I would be pro-active about it and have as much control as I could, rather than have to go into the court arena, but obvs I don't know your ex.