AIBU to want to spend time with my husband?

[jollyoff]

He thinks its fine to spend most evenings in his music studio and all day at weekends. Consequently I feel like a total nag when I have to ask him to come upstairs for dinner several times before he actually emerges.

He says I should get a hobby of my own, but I do stuff with friends and I enjoy my own company. I just dream of spending part of the day with him at weekends. He says we spend some of the evenings together which is true when we eat together. I just want to go places together and do the normal coupley stuff other people do. He says I'm being unreasonable that I don't want him to spend time on his music, but its become an obsession. Surely I shouldn't have to plan what I'm going to do alone each weekend?

Would therapy help us work through this impasse? It's really getting me down and I'm lonely and jealous of couples I see spending time together.

yanbu but is the bottom line he doesn't want to spend more time with you? - if that's the case you're keener on him than he is on you, it's that simple.

I'm sure you deserve more.

yanbu
you may as well have a lodger.

And why are you cooking him dinner

If you do feel like cooking him a meal, call him once and then leave it to incinerate in the oven - you're not the maid.

Your DH thinks you're being unreasonable for wanting to spend time with him??

Would he rather you didn't want to be with him?

You just need to talk to him about it, and therapy would definitely be a good idea if the conversation doesn't go anywhere.

YANBU for wanting to spend time with your husband. He is being unreasonable for expecting you to continue marriage without spending any time together.

Was he like this before you married? Has he ever spent much time with you? If he's always been like this will be hard to change him.

YANBU. Have you sat down with him and really explained how you feel? Tell him that you miss spending time with him and that you feel his music is taking prioirity when things should be alot more balanced. Does he not see that you are not spending quality time together if all you are doing is sharing meals?

I knew he had interests but its definitely gotten worse. Before it was just an interest. I think he genuinely thinks we're fine and happy, but he's just music obsessed. I just feel I'm getting snippets and small nuggets of his time. Spending an evening out together is lively, but not so much when I haven't heard a peep out if him all day, and tomorrow will be the same again.

The time in the studio has also meant he's bowed out of any domestic chores.
:(

Leave the bastard.

And you're right with the lodger. At least I'd earn some money then ffs.

There is a huge difference between having an interest and an obsession - if things have got worse then you need to talk to him about this and tell him that it is making you really unhappy. If you don't do this now, then it sounds like it will only get worse IMO

I think people just say that as a joke Annie, not when the OP's genuinely upset about something.

Why do you think he's just brushing off what you're saying jolly?

He must know he's spending a lot of time in there, it must cross his mind that you might be bothered by that, but he's chosen to make you out to be the unreasonable when you've answered that by telling him you are bothered.

Is he working on a specific project that once finished will leave him more time?

It's like he's hiding out from something in the studio, my dad used to do that in the office he had above their garage.

No, its been like this for a year. When I talk to him about it, he gets v defensive about it (which is how I know its moved into obsession territory) and starts talking about friends who have controlling wives and how I'm turning into one of them. He sounds like a total arse doesn't he?

Did anything happen a year ago that might have started him withdrawing?

Ah yes, the horrible controlling wife who merely just wants to spend a bit more time with her husband becuase she misses him! He does sound like an arse. Maybe your new hobby could be learning to play the drums...very loudly every time he goes in the studio.

Is his studio at your house? If not, do you think it could be a cover for him having an affair?

LucieMay- it's quite clear that it is in her house as she asks him to come upstairs for dinner.

Let's not chuck the words 'affair' and 'other woman' around please, it's insensitive to the OP and there's nothing there to suggest that.

Yes, its in our house. Unfortunately I live with the music constantly. Another discussion and we're no further on. He sees things as black & white and says he's not doing anything wrong. I've said no one is wrong, but I'm unhappy with things as they. I secretly think he's on the autistic spectrum...! So good being able to vent on MN.

Mixedberry it wasn't clear to me which is why I asked. It was a genuine post I wasn't trying to be mean to be op.

Do you have children together?

Not yet, no. Not sure if that would make situation better or much much worse

He's a selfish twat that would be better off living on his own - as would you.