to really need your help and to not know where to post

[youbethemummylion]

OH was bought up my his mother and adoptive father. His birth father signed him over for adoption when he was about 4ish. Recenty his birth father has been in touch with him and they are getting to know each other slowly via facebook.

Oh told his parents and they were very very upset, they have cut OH, myself and our two kids out of their lives. No contact at all, never want to see us again (we live in same town) We have tried to be understading but they are trying to use severing their relationship with the kids (the kids adors them) as blackmail to stop OH talking to his birth father.

DS1 is 5 and wants to know why he doesn't go to Nana and Grandads anymore (used to stay over once a week) We have so far covered for them saying they are sick. However this cannot go on forever. OH is keen for there to be no secrets (there were lots in his family and no good has come of that) he wants to tell DS the truth that Nana and Grandad upset with Daddy because he is talking to the Daddy that made him and so they have decided they no longer want to see Daddy or DS or his brother.

I think whilst this is the truth it will absolutely devestate DS! How on earth can we explain the sudden and complete absence of Nana and Grandad to a 5 year old!!!

id go with what your oh says.

its the ttruth and he'll be devestated no matter what

What an awful situation. Are you sure they won't change their minds? How long ago did this happen?

I would assume there is a huge backstory to his adoption, and that could be why his parents are so upset.

My goodness, how long ago did your OH tell them he's in contact with his birth Dad?

You don't need to tell your child the ins and outs of adult discussions/disagreements.

Just leave it as 'All the adults are trying to sort out a falling out'...or something similar to that.

I would also go with what dh said otherwise he may stat to think it is something he has done.

that's so sad...
i'd be tempted to call your ILs and ask THEM what you should say to DGCs when they ask..

Your poor husband. It must be so tough on all of you.

You know how your children would respond best so the level of honesty is up to you. I'd probably wimp out and say they moved and we will see them in a few months and hope the situation calmed down with time. But whatever you choose to do I'm sure you will do it appropriately for them. Hope it all works out.

Is your husband an only child, or are there siblings who could mediate.?

Two sides to this - what did DPs birth father do to his mother? She's going to be revisiting some very raw memories.

DP has every right to have a relationship with his birth father.

However. In doing so he needs to make it clear this is perhaps a curiosity thing on his part and that his step father, who brought him up, is who he considers to be his Dad.

I'm in agreement there should be no secrets in families.

If I were in your DPs shoes I would be writing a long and emotive letter to his Mum and S/Dad explaining that he loves them, wanting to know his birth father isnt a reflection on their parenting but ensuring at no time that he levels accusations of any sort at them regarding their cutting him off. For them, this blast from the past must be an horrendous shock. I would also explain that the grandchild/ren love them, miss them and want to see them. The only guilt trip I would lay is that he would have expected their support in him seeking his past.

I'd be inclined to hold off telling the DCs the truth until you know there is no chance whatsoever of this working out.

If I was in your DH's position, I would be having a very frank conversation with the parents (and if they literally will not speak with him, write a letter), telling them he knows they wouldn't do something like this simply because they don't like his choices, and asking them to tell the truth, because he'd rather know sooner than later. If they splutter and can't come up with anything, you and DH will know they have no specific/acceptable reasons for their behaviour.

I think, unless they have a history of tantrumming, there probably is more to this, and they should give your DH an explanation.

Tbh though, anyone who would cut DCs out of their life like this, would probably not get a second chance with mine.

It's not nice for them to take it out on your DS however much it hurt them to hear what your DP said.

It is their choice to have contact with whoever they want, but even so, it's horrible for you to have to see it happening to your DS and DP.

I would leave them to cool down a while, if they're not talking to you there's not a lot you can say really.

I think a five year old would understand if you said it in a simple way, they're canny enough to know something's up and he could talk to you more if it was worrying him afterwards.

The DP probably isnt aware of the actual history between his mother and birth father.

In my limited experience, it is highly unusual for men to give sons over for adoption, daughters yes, but sons rarely. That comes from a continuity of name thing, not a devaluing of daughters. The perception is a daughter wont carry a family name forward but a son will.

For the birth father to agree to adoption can mean many things; either he didn't care, or perhaps he cared enough knowing he couldnt provide; maybe his arm was twisted an he had to.

What ever it is, its freaked the DPs mum out.

Another reason I'd be careful about telling your 5yr old at this early stage is because you're basically telling him he has another Grandad.

Fair enough if you want him to know this early (if he doesn't already know about the adoption)

But if you're not ready for the questions and the "When can I meet him", I'd hold back for now.

JumpingThroughHoops we have asked them why they are so against birth father, what happened etc? They simply didn't answer just keep ranting about him trying to take boys away from them which we keep telling them won't happen. Birth father has told story from his point of view and whilst doesn't paint him in great light seems probable and understandable (they were both very young!)

squeakytoy No he is an only child so no one to mediate, I was thinking maybe Relate or something like that might be able to help but wouldn't know where to start.

WorraLiberty We have alrready explained to DS he has another Grandad and he was fine with it, obviously to him (and us) this doesn't devalue (for want of a better word) his current Grandad at all but they just don't seem to be willing to understand that.

Birth father has told story from his point of view and whilst doesn't paint him in great light seems probable and understandable

He could easily be lying.

I can sort of see both sides here. But they shouldnt be taking it on on their grandchildren.

I think perhaps a letter might help, written calmly and explaining that your husband has no wish to hurt them, and meeting his birth father will not stop him seeing his adopted dad as his dad. I think you have to tread really carefully, and I say this as someone who was adopted.

I think I'd be inclined to write a carefully worded note to say you'd still like them to see the children regardless of any disagreement they have with you on the strict instruction that they don't discuss things in front of them.

A similar thing happened in my extended family, and the absent dad had done some terrible things. Really awful stuff that they all thought would never come out. Whilst I think your MIL isn't handling it brilliantly its impossible to know what she went through.

I think I'd try and be the bigger person and keep communication open as much as possible.

mummylion Adoptive parent/s do not like the appearance of birth parent/s. They feel marginalised and pushed out. They think they will lose their family they have created by virtue of blood arriving on the scene.

"he has another grandad" WTF? No he doesn't! He has some bloke with whom he shares some genes and who may fulfill that role to some extent one day. If I was your MIL I'd be terribly hurt.

DON'T give into this,

DH mother threw all her toys out of the pram when he started to communicate with his father having not seen him since a small child, she's fine now, and realises it has been very important to him.

It's because they were in control of the situation , and the way they had planned out life has changed, they are grieving for the planned life,leave them to it, anything you do will fuel emotion.

Just let them come to you, and try not to bite their heads off for hurting the children and husband,

It's deeply unkind of them, but people get angry when change is forced on them, and lash out.

All three of those adults made a choice many years ago, that doesn't mean that your husband can't make choices now, when you love someone you support their choices, even if they don't suit you,

They will soon start missing you all, so don't comment, or it will be harder for them to back track from the cutting off your nose to spite your face situation.

You can let them know how hurtful it is/was when it all settled down and everyone has got use to the situation.

Jumping
Thats a bit of a sweeping statement isn't it?

Yeah it is rather.

I have not been in the exact same situation but there has been real trouble in my family. Family relationships are ALWAYS restored in the end (and mine was a lot worse at times) but you never forget comments that grandparents/relatives made about you. Don't let your kids know that their grandparents don't want to see them (under no circumstances) or they would always remember that they were unwanted and it is a huge baggage when you are just 5 - 5 year olds can't cope emotionally as well as we do. You better tell him YOU are annoyed with grandparents and are not visiting yet. Then give a good bollocking to your in-laws about their disgraceful behaviour towards the kids-how dare they vent their anger towards them? I ' ve never recovered fully from such comments myself and had shaky relationships with relatives that were not nice to me through no fault of my own, while my nephew was in a similar situation and we didnt let him understand it until all was well again and he is just fine with his grandparents now.

Write to DH parents, say they have a GS who is really missing them. That you understand they are upset, but not why they are upset as you have only heard one (edited) side of the story.

That they are the people DH thinks of as his parents and DS thinks of as his GPs.

Say DH is curious about his past, he is no longer a child, and that, although you realise something terrible may have happened to DH or DMIL in the past he has a right to know and a right to make his own descisions.

Say you want your DS to see his GPs, but you respect their wishes to not have contact but if they EVER in a day, a week or 10 years time then they are welcome to come back into your lives.