to be pissed off DH worked through his 'holiday'?

[wilderumpus]

I think my DH is a workaholic like his Dad :(

He was meant to have nine days off work but hasn't had one single one; he has had bits of time off to spend with me and DS (2.5) to go out and said each morning 'wait a bit I'll be free soon'... so we wait and wait, DS gets bored and restless, I am bored and then finally after lunch we might go out and do something. For the past week this is how it has been. I had enough today and told him but he thinks I am being unreasonable, that he has work to catch up on and never said he would be free with us (he said he needed two mornings to do his VAT, fair enough).

He works constantly. he works every weekend, every evening. Me and DS seem to live a seperate life! Plus I have had a miscarriage recently and been diagnosed with depression, DS is off from the childminders so am looking after him every day... why won't he spend time with us?

He earns a very good wage while I am a full time student finishing a PHD from home (I was funded for most of the course though and paid my own way) and SAHM with DS. I hate living off 'his' money when it means he has this excuse to work all the time and call the shots; he loves his career so I can't believe he hides away all the time 'toiling' just for us and we don't want loads of money. A veg plot and little house - but with a husband - would suit me fine. I think he is selfish and loves to work more than be with us.

Am I being unreasonable, considering he pays all the bills and will do for a few years if we have another child? Should i not expect him to spend a few days out of the nine solely with us and not working? Is money really that much better than life?

TIA

Depends if he has job security or not.

Do you want a roof over your head or not?

He works 7 days a week incessantly? What hours?

Is he self employed by any chance? If he is I think you need to cut him a little slack, it's a lot of responsibility with no one to rely on but yourself.

Depends on funds but you might want to look at a weekend away somewhere with crap phone reception and no Internet to get him to properly switch off. Camping would be perfect if you were up for it.

IME the only people who claim that money is nothing compared to quality family time are the ones with comfy beds and a fridge full of food.

jumping he works in a great job and is self employed. If he lost his job (he wouldn't) he is in a great type of job that is always in demand, and can earn lots by himself too if he went back to being self employed full time.

stranded I can't help but feel like a stepford wife and that everything is his :( he thinks I just hang out with DS and cook :( I even have to fight him for time to do my PhD so generally now do it after a 13 hour day with DS (after 8.30pm)

ooga he is up at 6am, back from work at 6.30pm, then will work from about 8pm till bedtime. and he works at weekends. I am pretty lonely and ask him to just spend time with me which he will, then the laptop creeps back into our life again.

best he was self employed for a decade and had a couple of massive near misses and think he is worried this will happen again unless he works and works. but he doesn't need too - he is employed with paid holiday now! We can ONLY spend time together out of the house - spending bloody money! he hates camping! I love it :)

need to

No one is saying that money is nothing, but there does have to be a balance. If this man isn't careful, he will wreck his relationship and will miss out on lots of his son's childhood.

Very few jobs are so important that they require an individual to be doing it 7 days a week - everyone needs time off, or they burn out. Being a workaholic is not healthy.

There is nothing at wrong in the OP wanting her husband to take a proper part in family life - what's the point in being married/in a relationship, if the person you love, doesn't spend any time with you or constantly puts their job above spending time with the family.

Ok - going to be a little bit brutal to hopefully be helpful:

He works like this for a number of reasons

a) genetics/example - if his dad worked like that then it's what he as raised with. He either sees it as a positive or at least a neutral factor or he sees it as a negative but doesn't know how to grow away from it.

b) pressure to 'provide'. You may not want a 'lot' but I bet you want security don't you? The ability to plan ahead and not be constantly worrying? You are caring for young children and have depression. There is a lot of pressure on him to take care of you.

c) (this is the brutal one) His work is more interesting and rewarding to him than he finds spending time with you and ds.

Ok - so a) - not a lot you can do about that but I would talk to mil and find out how their dynamic worked. You will get clues from that. b) - again not much you can do because a lot of this is in his head but if you can say meal plan and make it clear that you can 'manage' you may find he relaxes a bit. If at all possible get some time with him to talk about your aspirations. What does he want, what do you want.

c) - ok. If you go in all guns blazing and say why aren't we interesting, all you'll get is a lot of upset and guilt because I bet he feels like shit about this. Maybe the best thing to try is starting small. Say 'Yes dh, I know you need to work till 3pm and then again after that but at 3pm can we commit to taking ds out to jump in puddles for 1/2 an hour?' and then if he doesn't stick to that you need to calmly tell him that has hurt you and then try again.
You could have a big confrontation about this but I don't think that will do much to help. Your dh has got sucked in by work and yes he needs to make choices to get out of that but there are ways to help him do this. What you eventually want to work towards is times of the week and year when work stops. But if you try and INSIST on that now you will just panic him.

HTH

lol northern he has no idea about how to provide security - he gets the money then spends it! we don't have a joint account so I have no idea what money we do/don't have :( I am the one who tries to get us to save, to get life insurance, to organise pensions etc, he isn't interested - tomorrow will take care of itself/he doesn't have the time.

YUP he sees his dad as a role model but has always resented it (and his dad had a heart attack and died at 55) so I tell him he is doing the same but...

I have told him he finds his work more rewarding :(. it took a LOT for me to say it, for me and for him because to accuse someone of that is awful! he was all 'how very dare you' as you can imagine. he does love it though, for him working is a rush, he gets off on the pressure and success. He does play footie two evenings a week too - I don't go out in the evenings, I look after DS and do my phD/zonk out/clean up.

I told him that one day he will look up from that fucking laptop and find he is all alone with no home fires burning any more. he gets it and is so upset and changes for a month... then Laptop creeps back for an hour in front of the tele... two, three then we are late for a fun thing we had planned AGAIN and DS and I are left bored, frustrated and pissed off.

I am also lonely and feel like a drudgey wife. We live far away from his family and friends atm, I am making us move back to the homeland in a few months because when we visit he sees his mates and laughs and relaxes... (though does tend to dump DS with me so he can do this ). I hope with family to be able to help with DS I can get out more/spend time with DH going for a meal or something... I really hope it works or i think I shall have to feck off and find my own life.

But being a single mum is tough and lonely and frightening to contemplate.

If he's so far into a work addiction that the only time he takes off ever is literally an hour or two in the evening then it's extremely serious and I'd say he needs help or he'll just creep back into it over and over again.

oog is scary and I feel for him - but it is his life and he loves it?! we are the collateral damage I feel... I tell him he will be old and regret working so much but he doesn't get it at all, he just tells me off for nagging (fair enough but... wtf?!)

I wonder what would happen if I went back to work full time and HE was a SAHD. he says he really wants to share childcare... but would he really not work when with DS (he does at the moment, he sits DS in front of the tv and gets Laptop out)? or would it be a life where he works as much and i do the childcare, housework etc AND work, in which case I might be better off as is.

meh.

Reading your later posts, I think the first thing you need to do is get some joint control of finances. As things stand, you are doing all the child care, he is doing what he wants (and spending what he wants) and you have no security. You don't even know what money he has coming in. If he died, you haven't got any insurance in place - do you jointly own your home, or is it in his name?

you are right, but if I try to talk to him about it he feels it is like I want control over his finances. Like I am just a babysitter. he is very alpha (and so am I hence clash) and likes to be very independent. He says even he doesn't know what is coming in because he has so much coming in and out to do with his businesses. (he really is very disorganised but sees me wanting to organise stuff as me wanting to control)

is a mess really isn't it? we rent (can't buy, DH has bad credit history), would definitely have the house jointly when we get one though.

I just told him what I have said on here... that he likes working more than being with us and we might be better off in our own home and he visits; that he might work to death now and just actually die tomorrow anyway, with no security for us and no time with us... he had a massive strop, I waited it out and he is being very contrite now. but will things change? nah.

it feels really weird to be wanting to look at his bank account though? do i insist... I really do want to start to understand our finances for myself, not through him... or get my own job and have independence that way? (though who would look
after the newborn if we had one?! hmm)

I really appreciate your time and opinions ladies, you have really helped me see I am not necessarily being unreasonable...

YANBU

I think moving back home is a great idea. I would give it some time and see if that takes care of things, but if not I don't see why you would stay. Tbh it doesn't sound like you are much better off than a single parent anyway, if he works all the time, doesn't spend time with you, and isn't actually giving you financial security. If you were to divorce, you would actually have more time on your own to study (when he has DS) and you may have more financial security as you would know you could rely on your wage, possibly benefits, and his defined contribution.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage -- it must be very hard. At the same time, I would think again about ttc with someone who clearly does not care about family life. Whatever his reasons are, his actions are loud and clear: he prefers work to family. He is happy to keep his wife in the dark about her own financial security (are you not worried, given his bad credit history?) He does not respond to your legitimate concerns. He does not care if his own son suffers from his absence.

Bottom line: he is not a good husband or father. Perhaps moving back home will improve things -- I really hope so, for your sake. If they don't, though, I don't know why you would put up with this.

I think that when you have a child with someone, it's no longer a question of prying into his finances - it more a question of knowing about your family's finances. You have a vested interest in this, because it is about your child's and your own security - as an adult, you shouldn't be kept in the dark about something which affects you so much.

Given his financial history, I think it would be good for him too, to have another adult taking some responsibility for what goes in and out of the account and keeping an eye on things. I think you are letting him treat you like a child, in some respects, rather than a fully equal partner.

For me, failure to fully share money, would be a deal breaker. I think there comes a point when you have to decide if you are completely 'in' a relationship or not - at the moment he is getting all the perks of a family life/relationship but isn't making a real commitment to it.

karma your comment is so right, I have in fact just said tio Dh that him holding the purse strings and doling me out my allowance every month is like me going to my mum and having to ask for money. bah.

We are having a finances chat during DS's nap. I have told him there is no point us having another baby if I don't a) have him around and b) share control of the finances and have more say in what we spend our money on, as then I should go to work and have my own security. I am not too worried about more debt etc, he really learnt his lesson (he was young and stupid then) and anyway he isn't allowed credit. I hold the credit card

I have also told him very clearly that I think he has a work addiction northern. the way I talk to him about his work, e.g. you can't see what it is doing to our lives, that we are the collatoral damage, that he feels better when he is doing it, that working and fitting us in at home is his norm, rather than the other way around, that work is controlling him and is like a compulsion - it is all the language of someone trying to talk to anyone with an addiction! I have told him he really needs to think about what makes him compelled to work constantly as we don't need loads of money and don't need to prepare for the 'future' as surely if we are working and have savings and pensions and life insurance then we should be able to live for today (while we have today). Being a normal, decent guy he has listened and apologised (hurray) but I have said that we cannot have this conversation again.

dreaming I am glad you have faith in the idea of moving back home. So do i, I think the fact we cannot do anything fun together as we have no friends/babysitters/family makes living here difficult and work the focus. I also agree that if I am still being ditched for work/friends and am expected to stay at home and cook his tea while he roams then I have married a sexist selfish twat and will happily pack my bags. Let's hope I can keep my lovely husband though and HAVE A FUCKING HOLIDAY.

ta muchly peeps, you have helped my sanity this day.

Good luck! It sounds like you are really approaching this all very well right now, especially with confronting him on his addiction. I agree that addiction is the right word for it btw.

update: bollocking well received by DH, he LOVED doing the finances (after having a massive sulk) and actually thanked me for making us sit and work through it all... and we have agreed that saturdays will be family days and laptop free :) Actually was really pleased i had brought it to his attention because he didn't realise how bad he had got.

Hurrah for communication... and MN for making me realise i wasn't being a crazed, naggy harpie.

thanks again!

am glad you got things sorted. good on you and him for having the chat.

am playing devils advocate here but you say you have pnd. i had it too and dp suffers from bed depression and anxiety. it is hard to come home after a day's work or being at home and partner coming home and its all sad faces, nagging, no kisses no hugs no how was your day etc. so am not saying snap out of it but perhaps a little more effort on both sides will help you both.

Glad to hear you've had a chat and that things went well. Good luck for the future - don't let him slip back into doing just a little bit of work on Saturdays. It will be really good for you all to have one day completely free from work.